Well today is the last day of 2010. As I reflect on this year it has been a hard one. From about May-October our family went through different trials, and it seemed like one after the other. God was so very good to us to help and guide us through different things and showed us the path to take and let us know that He was there the whole time to help us through. We came through stronger as a family and thankful to have had such loving friends to talk to and have them pray for us.
On a happier note looking back at this year some great things happened. We were able to spend July 4th and Thanksgiving with family from Ohio. Darryl and I coached fall soccer and had a great time with the kids. From coaching Alivia made some non-christian friends whom are now going to AWANA with her. Trevor and I both detasseled for the first time and survived and will probably do it again next year. Alivia had an undefeated soccer season with Parks and Rec. she also played parks and rec. basketball for the first time and really liked it. So she has started in on another basketball team with many of the girls from parks and rec. My niece got married and again we were together as a family. Darryl celebrated in June, 25 years at Lloyd Table Company. We are very thankful for his job and the fact that I don't have to work and can stay home and school the kids. After saving for 2 years I was able to go back to NYC in October with the girls. We continue to see more new things and have a great time shopping. I went over to New Jersey and visited Carlos Bakery home of the TLC show Cake Boss and was able to bring home some cupcakes for the kids. In February Trevor was officially taller then Darryl. He continues to grow and I continue to have to buy him clothes and shoes because he keeps growing. Darryl celebrated his 30 year class reunion in August at Sauerkraut Days plus sold his prize possession his '63 Chevy II Nova that he had had for many years. I continue to run outside and since we had a great early spring I was able to get out of the gym and outside in March. I lost 10 pounds this spring/summer from running but found it to be a great stress release from the trials as most of the time I would pray during my 3 mile run. Darryl and I both did some 5K's and my time continues to improve. Darryl went to at least 1 Nascar race and then to a big gun show with some friends.
I'm sure there is more that I could write but they are not coming to mind. I'm glad that through the trials there were a lot of positive things happening and things that kept us all busy.
I'm truly thankful for my close friends and for those who love me in-spite of all my faults. I'm thankful to have 2 healthy wonderful children, a husband who loves me for better or worse which we had both this year, and for family who make me laugh when we are all together.
For 2011 I hope for there to not be so many trials in our lives , for continued health for my family, for my friendships to continue to grow stronger, for us to be able to stay on our budget and for all of us to grow in our faith.
Wishing you a very Happy New Year and that when you reflect back on 2010 I hope you too can have more positives then negatives in your life.
Happy New Year!!!!
The life of Shannon in small town Lisbon.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Rules
The successful rearing of a child is a matter of three simple rules, or understandings. These rules, as will become readily apparent, cannot be communicated to infants or young toddlers. Properly timed, the communication begins when a child is around eighteen months of age, give or take a few months. The introduction of these rules into a child's life almost invariably causes great consternation, to the point sometimes of rage. The reason for this is quite simple: There have been no rules at all to speak of before this time. Well, that's not exactly accurate. For eighteen months, the child has been led to believe the he rules. These three rules are not just new, however, but contradict the child's understanding of how the world works. They upset the child's applecart, so to speak, because the child had every reason to believe he ran the show, and would do so forever.
So, the child screams in protest of the rules, denies that his parents are capable of enforcing them, and does many destructive things to demonstrate his defiance. This upheaval goes by the popular term "The Terrible Twos." If parents "stay the course" through this much maligned stage, then by his or her third birthday, the child will have accepted that the rules are fixed, as in permanent.
First rule(from parent to child): "From this point on in our relationship, child of mine, you will pay much more attention to me than I will ever again, as a general rule, give to you."
Rule two: "You will do as I say."
Rule three: "You will do what I say not because of bribe, brutality, threat or persuasive explanation. You will do as I say because I say so. Period."
These three rules are indispensable to the parent-child relationship. They are the foundation of the child's "disciple-ship" and, therefore his or her later success in every dimension of life.
By John Rosemond
So, the child screams in protest of the rules, denies that his parents are capable of enforcing them, and does many destructive things to demonstrate his defiance. This upheaval goes by the popular term "The Terrible Twos." If parents "stay the course" through this much maligned stage, then by his or her third birthday, the child will have accepted that the rules are fixed, as in permanent.
First rule(from parent to child): "From this point on in our relationship, child of mine, you will pay much more attention to me than I will ever again, as a general rule, give to you."
Rule two: "You will do as I say."
Rule three: "You will do what I say not because of bribe, brutality, threat or persuasive explanation. You will do as I say because I say so. Period."
These three rules are indispensable to the parent-child relationship. They are the foundation of the child's "disciple-ship" and, therefore his or her later success in every dimension of life.
By John Rosemond
Monday, December 20, 2010
Life in the past
Once upon a time, people got married, had children, and reared them. It wasn't something they spent a lot of time fussing and fretting over. It was just something they did, along with planting seeds in the spring and harvesting them in the fall. If they came up against a child-rearing problem, they sought advice from grandparents and great-aunts or older brothers and sisters who'd already started their families. These were the experts of not so long ago, and they gave practical advise based on real-life experiences.
Along came a war and then a baby boom. Young parents took their children and went looking for the promised land. From the ashes of the extended family rose an entirely different class of child-rearing experts. Ones with degrees, nameplates on their doors, and large, mahogany desks.
It wasn't long before rhetoric replaced reality as the primary shaper of our child-rearing practices. Nonsense replaced common sense. American families became child-centered, and American parents became permissive. And not surprisingly, American children became self-centered, self-indulgent, spoiled, sassy, and out of control. By John Rosemond in his book "Because I Said So".
I may be at church, Walmart, the mall, a sporting event, the movies or even family gatherings and I think what is the future going to be like with these kids running our country. I see parents whose lives revolve around their kids and their sports or other activities. When I help in the nursery I always put the same few kids in timeout and their parents never ask how they were that day. I see such lack of discipline and a lot of giving in. Saying No but never following through. I just had a conversation with my brother about this as he told his daughter no twice and then by the time I returned to the room she was doing in front of him what he told her no to twice. So I gave him parenting 101 advise and it's biblical as well. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Or you could add spare the rod spoil the child.
Parents you need to go back to common sense and stop listening to people with big mahogany desk. Listen to truth and do the correct thing. A great book is "Parenting By the Book" by John Rosemond that really gets into scripture and shows you what God's word says about children raising. Read it and get back to reality instead of raising your kids in a fantasy land where life revolves around them.
Along came a war and then a baby boom. Young parents took their children and went looking for the promised land. From the ashes of the extended family rose an entirely different class of child-rearing experts. Ones with degrees, nameplates on their doors, and large, mahogany desks.
It wasn't long before rhetoric replaced reality as the primary shaper of our child-rearing practices. Nonsense replaced common sense. American families became child-centered, and American parents became permissive. And not surprisingly, American children became self-centered, self-indulgent, spoiled, sassy, and out of control. By John Rosemond in his book "Because I Said So".
I may be at church, Walmart, the mall, a sporting event, the movies or even family gatherings and I think what is the future going to be like with these kids running our country. I see parents whose lives revolve around their kids and their sports or other activities. When I help in the nursery I always put the same few kids in timeout and their parents never ask how they were that day. I see such lack of discipline and a lot of giving in. Saying No but never following through. I just had a conversation with my brother about this as he told his daughter no twice and then by the time I returned to the room she was doing in front of him what he told her no to twice. So I gave him parenting 101 advise and it's biblical as well. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Or you could add spare the rod spoil the child.
Parents you need to go back to common sense and stop listening to people with big mahogany desk. Listen to truth and do the correct thing. A great book is "Parenting By the Book" by John Rosemond that really gets into scripture and shows you what God's word says about children raising. Read it and get back to reality instead of raising your kids in a fantasy land where life revolves around them.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Grandparents dismay over undisciplined grandkids/Parents get off your butts and DO something about it!!
This is a great question and answer. Some of you may have the kids that are wild and you don't take control of the situation. Or maybe you are the grandparents and have had it up to here with your children and lack of discipline. Sometimes for me it's my nephews. I think I do discipline at every family gathering as I see them hitting each other or their 2 year old cousin. The parents oblivious to what is happening in their own little world. My parents even direct their grandchildren to stop running or doing this or that with the parents right there not saying a thing. With Christmas coming this maybe of help for many of you....parents and grandparents.
Q: Help! Whenever our two adult children, their spouses, and our four school-age grandchildren (tweenagers, all) visit us, as they did this past Thanksgiving, chaos reigns. The children are nothing short of wild. They run, jump, and scatter toys and clothing all over the place, all with much yelling and screaming. They act like they're on vacation at a beach rental, and the parents do little to control the situation. We have tolerated this for some time now because we don't want to create discomfort for our guests. But we've pretty much had it. Do we talk to the parents or should we just discipline when we feel discipline is needed?
A: This can be the stickiest of wickets, one that I'm hearing about from an ever-increasing number of grandparents. Apparently, too many of today's parents fail to realize that proper parenting is an expression of love and respect for one's neighbors, including friends and relatives. Lacking such fundamental social awareness (they have some mass disorder, no doubt), they inflict their little (and sometimes, as in this case, not so little) terrors on everyone who is kind enough to let them in the door.
Willie and I laid down the law early on concerning grandchild behavior in our home. We told the kids that two rules prevailed: First, when in Rome do as the Romans do, and when the Romans come to you, do as the Romans do. Second, it is our job to spoil, your job to discipline; do not do our job and we won't have to do yours. That pretty much sums up the grandparent/parent relationship.
Thankfully, our kids were and are still on board with our expectations. We certainly aren't draconian, but things like running, jumping on furniture, loud noises, and disobedience (in any form) are not allowed. Those clear understandings make for much better visits for adults and children alike.
Were I in your shoes, I would take this issue up with the parents. If you react to the grandchildren's behavior out of the proverbial blue, and especially given the unfortunate precedents that have been set, you are likely to run afoul of parental protectiveness. Furthermore, you are not and should not be responsible for the discipline of your grandchildren. Their parents are responsible, and they should accept that obligation. Doing so is a matter of respect for you not to mention good guest etiquette (a word in danger of extinction).
Assuming you and Grandma are on the same page (Caution! Do not proceed unless that condition is satisfied!), talk to the parents. Tell them what bothers you and what your expectations are. No need to be critical, mind you. No need to imply that you don't approve of their parenting. Explain that the older one gets, the less tolerant one becomes of child chaos. It's true, unless one is blessed with hearing loss.
The parents, in turn, should convey your expectations, in no uncertain terms, to the grandchildren before they get in the car to come to your house and again in the driveway before everyone gets out of the car. They should make a further commitment to you that enforcement will not be in your court. And it really doesn't matter whether or not the parents agree with your expectations; they should back you unconditionally. That's one way parents teach children respect for adult authority.
Q: Help! Whenever our two adult children, their spouses, and our four school-age grandchildren (tweenagers, all) visit us, as they did this past Thanksgiving, chaos reigns. The children are nothing short of wild. They run, jump, and scatter toys and clothing all over the place, all with much yelling and screaming. They act like they're on vacation at a beach rental, and the parents do little to control the situation. We have tolerated this for some time now because we don't want to create discomfort for our guests. But we've pretty much had it. Do we talk to the parents or should we just discipline when we feel discipline is needed?
A: This can be the stickiest of wickets, one that I'm hearing about from an ever-increasing number of grandparents. Apparently, too many of today's parents fail to realize that proper parenting is an expression of love and respect for one's neighbors, including friends and relatives. Lacking such fundamental social awareness (they have some mass disorder, no doubt), they inflict their little (and sometimes, as in this case, not so little) terrors on everyone who is kind enough to let them in the door.
Willie and I laid down the law early on concerning grandchild behavior in our home. We told the kids that two rules prevailed: First, when in Rome do as the Romans do, and when the Romans come to you, do as the Romans do. Second, it is our job to spoil, your job to discipline; do not do our job and we won't have to do yours. That pretty much sums up the grandparent/parent relationship.
Thankfully, our kids were and are still on board with our expectations. We certainly aren't draconian, but things like running, jumping on furniture, loud noises, and disobedience (in any form) are not allowed. Those clear understandings make for much better visits for adults and children alike.
Were I in your shoes, I would take this issue up with the parents. If you react to the grandchildren's behavior out of the proverbial blue, and especially given the unfortunate precedents that have been set, you are likely to run afoul of parental protectiveness. Furthermore, you are not and should not be responsible for the discipline of your grandchildren. Their parents are responsible, and they should accept that obligation. Doing so is a matter of respect for you not to mention good guest etiquette (a word in danger of extinction).
Assuming you and Grandma are on the same page (Caution! Do not proceed unless that condition is satisfied!), talk to the parents. Tell them what bothers you and what your expectations are. No need to be critical, mind you. No need to imply that you don't approve of their parenting. Explain that the older one gets, the less tolerant one becomes of child chaos. It's true, unless one is blessed with hearing loss.
The parents, in turn, should convey your expectations, in no uncertain terms, to the grandchildren before they get in the car to come to your house and again in the driveway before everyone gets out of the car. They should make a further commitment to you that enforcement will not be in your court. And it really doesn't matter whether or not the parents agree with your expectations; they should back you unconditionally. That's one way parents teach children respect for adult authority.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Laziest kid in America
In their email to me, his parents call him "The Laziest Kid in America." The child in question, a third grader, hides his clothes rather than put them away properly (in truth, hiding them probably takes more effort), would sometimes rather poop in his britches than stop what he's doing and go to the bathroom, forgets to bring work to or from school almost daily, and is nasty to his parents when they don't give him his way. He's bright but his grades suffer because he doesn't do his work.
His mother says that he would love being confined to his room with books only because then he could be lazy all day, every day. He is currently on restriction with no after-school activities but doesn't seem to care. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this story, etcetera.
This little guy is proof of the fact that of all the species on the planet, only humans have the capacity to act deliberately in ways that are clearly contrary to their best interests. He is also a living example of another, related, aspect of human nature: proper consequences do not always produce proper behavior. Thus, the battle-cry of many a teenager: "I don't care what you do to me!"
Obviously, these parents are not in denial concerning their son's problems. They are not enablers. They have punished him appropriately for his irresponsibility. Under the circumstances, his stubborn laziness can be regarded as a clever form of defiance. Without being assertive, he is nonetheless asserting that no one has authority over him; that no one can tell The Almighty Him what to do. The fact that his defiance is not outwardly defiant is what makes it so "slippery" and therefore so frustrating. Most definitely, only an equally clever and slippery response will do, one that transfers frustration from parents to child. Another way of saying this: At the present time, the monkey of the problem is on the parents' backs. This child will not learn to tame his monkey until it's riding his back.
A home visit from my old friend "The Doctor" is in order. I advised the parents to sit down with TLKIA and tell him they had spoken to a doctor about his problems, which they have now put in list form and affixed to the door of the refrigerator. The Doctor says that his problems are all symptoms of sleep deprivation. Some children need more sleep than others, he says. Some children have a very, very difficult time getting enough sleep, he says. These sleepy children do things like poop in their pants and forget school work. The Doctor says sleep-deprived children often talk-back at their parents, back-talk being the sort of thing sleepy people do without thinking. Interestingly enough, sleep-deprived kids are usually smart kids. The better the brain works, the more sleep a person needs.
The Doctor, after careful consideration, has said that this child must go to bed every night, seven days a week, lights out, at 6:30 in the evening until everything on the list has completely disappeared for one month. During this time, he cannot watch television, use a computer, or participate in any after-school activity. So, if every symptom of sleep-deprivation disappears for three weeks and then TLKIA hides his clothes instead of putting them away, the month starts over again. The perceptive reader may correctly surmise that this could take quite some time. That's true, but then this problem didn't develop overnight. I sense, furthermore, that these parents are just the people for the job.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
His mother says that he would love being confined to his room with books only because then he could be lazy all day, every day. He is currently on restriction with no after-school activities but doesn't seem to care. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this story, etcetera.
This little guy is proof of the fact that of all the species on the planet, only humans have the capacity to act deliberately in ways that are clearly contrary to their best interests. He is also a living example of another, related, aspect of human nature: proper consequences do not always produce proper behavior. Thus, the battle-cry of many a teenager: "I don't care what you do to me!"
Obviously, these parents are not in denial concerning their son's problems. They are not enablers. They have punished him appropriately for his irresponsibility. Under the circumstances, his stubborn laziness can be regarded as a clever form of defiance. Without being assertive, he is nonetheless asserting that no one has authority over him; that no one can tell The Almighty Him what to do. The fact that his defiance is not outwardly defiant is what makes it so "slippery" and therefore so frustrating. Most definitely, only an equally clever and slippery response will do, one that transfers frustration from parents to child. Another way of saying this: At the present time, the monkey of the problem is on the parents' backs. This child will not learn to tame his monkey until it's riding his back.
A home visit from my old friend "The Doctor" is in order. I advised the parents to sit down with TLKIA and tell him they had spoken to a doctor about his problems, which they have now put in list form and affixed to the door of the refrigerator. The Doctor says that his problems are all symptoms of sleep deprivation. Some children need more sleep than others, he says. Some children have a very, very difficult time getting enough sleep, he says. These sleepy children do things like poop in their pants and forget school work. The Doctor says sleep-deprived children often talk-back at their parents, back-talk being the sort of thing sleepy people do without thinking. Interestingly enough, sleep-deprived kids are usually smart kids. The better the brain works, the more sleep a person needs.
The Doctor, after careful consideration, has said that this child must go to bed every night, seven days a week, lights out, at 6:30 in the evening until everything on the list has completely disappeared for one month. During this time, he cannot watch television, use a computer, or participate in any after-school activity. So, if every symptom of sleep-deprivation disappears for three weeks and then TLKIA hides his clothes instead of putting them away, the month starts over again. The perceptive reader may correctly surmise that this could take quite some time. That's true, but then this problem didn't develop overnight. I sense, furthermore, that these parents are just the people for the job.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Meloncholy Boy & Bragging Parent
One of the defining beliefs of this technological age is that with enough ingenuity and perseverance, any problem can be solved. It's a mis-belief, actually, because problems that are a function of the human condition do not always respond positively to human effort. This recently came to mind as I contemplated two questions submitted by readers.
The first came from the mother of a pre-teen boy whom she described as "a melancholy mess-moody, unaffectionate, and negative." He has been a minor league misanthrope since early on in his life, and mom does not want him taking this problem with him into the majors. On the positive side, he's good-looking, athletic, and artistic. What can I do to help get him out of his funk? Mom asks, to which I answer probably not much. After all, she's been trying without success for at least a decade.
In the first place, it is not the responsibility of parents to solve all of their children's problems before said children reach adulthood and emancipate, nor is it realistic to think that can be accomplished, even with colossal parental effort. This is especially the case when the problem in question is related to a child's temperament, which the research strongly suggests is inborn (although not necessarily inherited).
We all reach adulthood with problems our parents could not have solved for us. At that point, one either rises to the challenge or not. And even with complete commitment, some problems of living are not ever going to be solved. One just has to learn to live with them and do his or her best to contain them such that they don't affect others. Again, this is simply the consequence of being born human.
So my advice to this mom is to accept that her son's melancholy is his problem, not hers, and to remember that while human love does not conquer all, it always benefits both the lover and the loved. Besides, this good-looking, athletic boy is about to enter his teen years, during which both of those characteristics are going to be mightily rewarded by his peers. It may well be that a couple of years of positive feedback from kids his own age will accomplish for this youngster what his mom and dad cannot hope to accomplish.
The second question came from a woman whose sister-in-law is forever bragging about her talented children and putting down other parents whose kids are not so blessed (or cursed, depending on one's point of view). My petitioner wants to know how to handle her seemingly egomaniacal relative. I say "seemingly" because a mother who lives her life through her children in this manner is obviously covering up deep-seated feelings of personal inadequacy. She may also be over-investing in her kids to avoid dealing with problems in her marriage. In any case, she needs to put some boundaries between herself and her children and claim a valid adult life for herself. The probability of her doing this, however, is slim. That's most unfortunate, because when her kids leave home and establish lives of their own, she is likely to be a very unhappy individual.
No one is going to be able to say anything to this woman that will cause her to experience sudden self-revelation. Therefore, I advised my writer to stay away from her toxic sister-in-law as much as possible; and when she can't avoid her, to ignore her; and when she can't ignore her, to regard her as an unfortunate who deserves compassion, all the more so because she doesn't realize she's being slowly destroyed from within.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
The first came from the mother of a pre-teen boy whom she described as "a melancholy mess-moody, unaffectionate, and negative." He has been a minor league misanthrope since early on in his life, and mom does not want him taking this problem with him into the majors. On the positive side, he's good-looking, athletic, and artistic. What can I do to help get him out of his funk? Mom asks, to which I answer probably not much. After all, she's been trying without success for at least a decade.
In the first place, it is not the responsibility of parents to solve all of their children's problems before said children reach adulthood and emancipate, nor is it realistic to think that can be accomplished, even with colossal parental effort. This is especially the case when the problem in question is related to a child's temperament, which the research strongly suggests is inborn (although not necessarily inherited).
We all reach adulthood with problems our parents could not have solved for us. At that point, one either rises to the challenge or not. And even with complete commitment, some problems of living are not ever going to be solved. One just has to learn to live with them and do his or her best to contain them such that they don't affect others. Again, this is simply the consequence of being born human.
So my advice to this mom is to accept that her son's melancholy is his problem, not hers, and to remember that while human love does not conquer all, it always benefits both the lover and the loved. Besides, this good-looking, athletic boy is about to enter his teen years, during which both of those characteristics are going to be mightily rewarded by his peers. It may well be that a couple of years of positive feedback from kids his own age will accomplish for this youngster what his mom and dad cannot hope to accomplish.
The second question came from a woman whose sister-in-law is forever bragging about her talented children and putting down other parents whose kids are not so blessed (or cursed, depending on one's point of view). My petitioner wants to know how to handle her seemingly egomaniacal relative. I say "seemingly" because a mother who lives her life through her children in this manner is obviously covering up deep-seated feelings of personal inadequacy. She may also be over-investing in her kids to avoid dealing with problems in her marriage. In any case, she needs to put some boundaries between herself and her children and claim a valid adult life for herself. The probability of her doing this, however, is slim. That's most unfortunate, because when her kids leave home and establish lives of their own, she is likely to be a very unhappy individual.
No one is going to be able to say anything to this woman that will cause her to experience sudden self-revelation. Therefore, I advised my writer to stay away from her toxic sister-in-law as much as possible; and when she can't avoid her, to ignore her; and when she can't ignore her, to regard her as an unfortunate who deserves compassion, all the more so because she doesn't realize she's being slowly destroyed from within.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Parenting a tweenage and teenager
I've done different blogs about the book "Parenting By The Book" by John Rosemond and things that he has said that are true and helpful. Also I get his weekly column that gets published in many different newspapers around the USA.
Now I'm reading Teen-Proofing and it to is very good and I think I've included some stuff on Facebook about what he has said. So this morning as I'm reading it he is talking about kids and wanting the last word and how as parents we fight for us to have the last word and we don't need to engage our children in that but let them have the last word and just stick to your NO and leave but don't continue the battle. So that was really good and then he goes on about your children saying that they "hate" you in the heat of the argument and of course they really don't but they try to hit you where it hurts so you will change your no to yes.
Now the part I'm going to type to you from the book this is a direction our children are moving into that is wrong on behalf of the parents. I know I've said Trevor can live with us forever and do on-line college but that is because he is so easy of a child and very obedient to whatever we say. He is a rare breed. But our job as parents is to prepare them to leave. This to me is funny but true as I too loved my parents but didn't want to live with them for too long after high school. So here goes...........
" I once asked the 500 plus people in Nashville audience how many of you when you were teens truly liked your parents? Maybe 10 hands went up. This didn't surprise me because I didn't like my parents either when I was a teen. They annoyed me, inconvenienced me and made me angry on a regular basis. I couldn't wait to leave home, which simply means they did a good job of convincing me I could make a better life for myself than they were willing to make for me. "
"Today's parents, by all accounts, are not doing a very good job of convincing their children of this. When I was 20, I was married and on my own. The average age of economic emancipation in my generation was, in fact, 22 years old. Today, the average age is approaching 26. In my time, for a child to live at home well into his/her twenties was considered indication of something very odd in the parent-child relationship. Today it is considered normal."
"The researchers who discovered this trend were unable to explain it in terms of economics or the availability of jobs. They said, " The children of this generation have been given too much by parents who have been generally guilty of self-in-duced nearsightedness." (end of book)
Both my siblings and I were out of the house by 22 years old. I think I stayed the longest to age 21 years old. So mom and dad you did it right!! You prepared us the best you could to get out and make it on our own. Today's parents who still have teens at home need to start preparing them to leave and if your child is older then 22 and still living with you free of charge I guess you need to think about it and figure out a way for them to grow-up spread their own wings and fly away.
Now I'm reading Teen-Proofing and it to is very good and I think I've included some stuff on Facebook about what he has said. So this morning as I'm reading it he is talking about kids and wanting the last word and how as parents we fight for us to have the last word and we don't need to engage our children in that but let them have the last word and just stick to your NO and leave but don't continue the battle. So that was really good and then he goes on about your children saying that they "hate" you in the heat of the argument and of course they really don't but they try to hit you where it hurts so you will change your no to yes.
Now the part I'm going to type to you from the book this is a direction our children are moving into that is wrong on behalf of the parents. I know I've said Trevor can live with us forever and do on-line college but that is because he is so easy of a child and very obedient to whatever we say. He is a rare breed. But our job as parents is to prepare them to leave. This to me is funny but true as I too loved my parents but didn't want to live with them for too long after high school. So here goes...........
" I once asked the 500 plus people in Nashville audience how many of you when you were teens truly liked your parents? Maybe 10 hands went up. This didn't surprise me because I didn't like my parents either when I was a teen. They annoyed me, inconvenienced me and made me angry on a regular basis. I couldn't wait to leave home, which simply means they did a good job of convincing me I could make a better life for myself than they were willing to make for me. "
"Today's parents, by all accounts, are not doing a very good job of convincing their children of this. When I was 20, I was married and on my own. The average age of economic emancipation in my generation was, in fact, 22 years old. Today, the average age is approaching 26. In my time, for a child to live at home well into his/her twenties was considered indication of something very odd in the parent-child relationship. Today it is considered normal."
"The researchers who discovered this trend were unable to explain it in terms of economics or the availability of jobs. They said, " The children of this generation have been given too much by parents who have been generally guilty of self-in-duced nearsightedness." (end of book)
Both my siblings and I were out of the house by 22 years old. I think I stayed the longest to age 21 years old. So mom and dad you did it right!! You prepared us the best you could to get out and make it on our own. Today's parents who still have teens at home need to start preparing them to leave and if your child is older then 22 and still living with you free of charge I guess you need to think about it and figure out a way for them to grow-up spread their own wings and fly away.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Reliving the 80's
Ahhhh the 80's some great music was born and great musicians. We had rappers coming out of the hood,we wore leggings, big hair, and black rubber bracelets halfway up our arm. Guys started wearing make-up on and off stage and life was much different then today. Although we are seeing a lot of 80's fashions come back as fashion does recycle itself we also see someone else recycling himself. Who is this person you ask......Terry Brandstad.
Yes, Terry was Governor of this state in the 80's. I think a lot of the voters who got out and voted yesterday don't remember life in Iowa in the 80's when he was governor but I do and this is what I remember......
My dad was a union Ironworker and was struggling to work. Brandstad had raised taxes on of course the hard working middle class and he was NOT a friend to union workers across the entire state. While Brandstad was governor is the ONLY time I remember having to get food stamps because of the LACK of jobs in this state. My dad would sometimes be the only ironworker out in the bitter cold working when there was work to try to support his family. He would come home looking so cold and tired after a long day out in freezing cold weather. It was also at that time we had friends at church named Duane Cassill who had a used car dealership and he gave my dad a job to help him out in our time of need. Also I remember our church family bring over groceries and meals to help us out. It was not just us in the church struggling they saw many families in the congregation struggling. These were all hard working Christian men struggling to have jobs just to provide for their families.
And, no my parents didn't have debt besides a mortgage, they didn't use or have credit cards and had no other loans. It was not just my family, and many families (besides the rich with the great tax breaks) were struggling. Brandstad help make life hard for many Iowa families and definatley union laborers.
All I'm thinking now is hold on to your faith Shannon cause we I may see my family heading towards disaster and very tough financial situations depending on what Terry does and how much he raises middle class taxes. I pray he has learned from his many mistakes of the 80's and that he doesn't repeat the same mistakes and punishes the middle class so the rich can get richer. But I guess only time will tell what he will do.
For you, you may have voted for Brandstad, I guess in time we will see if you regret that decision. I know I was not happy with Chet as a governor and figured he would get beat by whomever republicans elected to run against him. It now has happened and I hope I end up with better memories of Brandstad this time around then the memories I have of him in the 80's cause they are bad memories and he did a terrible job in my book as a pre-teen/teen at the time and the struggle my parents went through just so we could have bread (sometimes we did eat bread, jelly and milk for supper)on the table I will NEVER forget!!
Yes, Terry was Governor of this state in the 80's. I think a lot of the voters who got out and voted yesterday don't remember life in Iowa in the 80's when he was governor but I do and this is what I remember......
My dad was a union Ironworker and was struggling to work. Brandstad had raised taxes on of course the hard working middle class and he was NOT a friend to union workers across the entire state. While Brandstad was governor is the ONLY time I remember having to get food stamps because of the LACK of jobs in this state. My dad would sometimes be the only ironworker out in the bitter cold working when there was work to try to support his family. He would come home looking so cold and tired after a long day out in freezing cold weather. It was also at that time we had friends at church named Duane Cassill who had a used car dealership and he gave my dad a job to help him out in our time of need. Also I remember our church family bring over groceries and meals to help us out. It was not just us in the church struggling they saw many families in the congregation struggling. These were all hard working Christian men struggling to have jobs just to provide for their families.
And, no my parents didn't have debt besides a mortgage, they didn't use or have credit cards and had no other loans. It was not just my family, and many families (besides the rich with the great tax breaks) were struggling. Brandstad help make life hard for many Iowa families and definatley union laborers.
All I'm thinking now is hold on to your faith Shannon cause we I may see my family heading towards disaster and very tough financial situations depending on what Terry does and how much he raises middle class taxes. I pray he has learned from his many mistakes of the 80's and that he doesn't repeat the same mistakes and punishes the middle class so the rich can get richer. But I guess only time will tell what he will do.
For you, you may have voted for Brandstad, I guess in time we will see if you regret that decision. I know I was not happy with Chet as a governor and figured he would get beat by whomever republicans elected to run against him. It now has happened and I hope I end up with better memories of Brandstad this time around then the memories I have of him in the 80's cause they are bad memories and he did a terrible job in my book as a pre-teen/teen at the time and the struggle my parents went through just so we could have bread (sometimes we did eat bread, jelly and milk for supper)on the table I will NEVER forget!!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Punishment at School
Q: Our son's fifth-grade teacher has recently sent home notes to the effect that our little darling isn't paying attention and is missing homework assignments. When I asked what in-school consequences he receives, I was basically told that he receives none unless I specifically so request. In other words, unless teachers inform parents of problems (which doesn't reliably happen), the problems go unpunished. When I hear of a problem, privileges are taken away for a week or more, and my son knows that if he brings home a report card with a bad grade or behavior report, privileges are removed for the next grading period. Is this appropriate, and what can I do to get the school to do their part?
A: To your first question, yes, what you're doing in response to being notified of problems at school is appropriate. You're my kind of parent, in fact, all the more so because you have the courage to hold your son accountable in a culture of excuses.
To your second question-what can you do to get the teacher to do her part?-my answer is "probably nothing." In all too many of America's public schools, and for a variety of reasons, classroom discipline is a farce. It's not that teachers don't want to discipline; it's that they are specifically prohibited from doing anything effective when a child misbehaves (In this context, I use the term to encompass both academic and behavioral misdeeds).
The problem (this should surprise no one) is lawyers and the law. For one thing, a school can be sued if a child is punished for behavior that is later discovered to be symptomatic of a disorder with which the child is supposedly afflicted. So if Johnny is punished in November for exposing himself to the class at recess, and the following March a psychologist determines Johnny has childhood bipolar disorder, Johnny's parents can sue school officials for victimizing Johnny. No, that was not lifted from a Joseph Heller novel; that is the real deal. As a consequence of institutionalized insanity of that sort, one of a principal's primary responsibilities is to keep the lawyers at bay. So, playing it safe, more and more of America's public schools are "discipline free zones."
Another aspect of the problem is that teachers report problems at great risk to themselves. Fifty years ago, parents were unequivocal in their support of teacher authority. All too many of today's parents, when they are informed of a problem, rise to their children's defense. Sadly, all too many of today's principals, when parents get upset, will not back their teachers. It's that "L-word" thing again.
Needless to say, children are no dummies. Even the child with a serious learning disability is quick to figure out that a school's discipline policy is a sham and that his parents are desperate to believe that he is incapable of dirty deeds (lest they have to deal with the horrifying implication that they are not perfect parents). And 'round and 'round we go.
As your son's teacher told you, you can specifically empower the school to punish him for not turning in assignments, not paying attention in class, and so on, but that begs the question: What, in the school's view, constitutes punishment? The teacher may not be permitted, even with your permission, to do anything more draconian than deprive your son of a smiley face sticker at the end of the day. In short, this is probably a losing battle on your part. Just do your duty at home and be thankful you won't be raising a child twenty years from now. This isn't going to get better any time soon.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his web site at www.rosemond.com.
A: To your first question, yes, what you're doing in response to being notified of problems at school is appropriate. You're my kind of parent, in fact, all the more so because you have the courage to hold your son accountable in a culture of excuses.
To your second question-what can you do to get the teacher to do her part?-my answer is "probably nothing." In all too many of America's public schools, and for a variety of reasons, classroom discipline is a farce. It's not that teachers don't want to discipline; it's that they are specifically prohibited from doing anything effective when a child misbehaves (In this context, I use the term to encompass both academic and behavioral misdeeds).
The problem (this should surprise no one) is lawyers and the law. For one thing, a school can be sued if a child is punished for behavior that is later discovered to be symptomatic of a disorder with which the child is supposedly afflicted. So if Johnny is punished in November for exposing himself to the class at recess, and the following March a psychologist determines Johnny has childhood bipolar disorder, Johnny's parents can sue school officials for victimizing Johnny. No, that was not lifted from a Joseph Heller novel; that is the real deal. As a consequence of institutionalized insanity of that sort, one of a principal's primary responsibilities is to keep the lawyers at bay. So, playing it safe, more and more of America's public schools are "discipline free zones."
Another aspect of the problem is that teachers report problems at great risk to themselves. Fifty years ago, parents were unequivocal in their support of teacher authority. All too many of today's parents, when they are informed of a problem, rise to their children's defense. Sadly, all too many of today's principals, when parents get upset, will not back their teachers. It's that "L-word" thing again.
Needless to say, children are no dummies. Even the child with a serious learning disability is quick to figure out that a school's discipline policy is a sham and that his parents are desperate to believe that he is incapable of dirty deeds (lest they have to deal with the horrifying implication that they are not perfect parents). And 'round and 'round we go.
As your son's teacher told you, you can specifically empower the school to punish him for not turning in assignments, not paying attention in class, and so on, but that begs the question: What, in the school's view, constitutes punishment? The teacher may not be permitted, even with your permission, to do anything more draconian than deprive your son of a smiley face sticker at the end of the day. In short, this is probably a losing battle on your part. Just do your duty at home and be thankful you won't be raising a child twenty years from now. This isn't going to get better any time soon.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his web site at www.rosemond.com.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Because...I said so!!!
Matthew 5:37 (NJB) "All you need to say is Yes if you mean yes, No if you mean no; anything more than this comes from the Evil One.
I love this verse and it applies to many areas of our lives including parenting children. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gave his disciples what is without question the most important of all leadership principles. Say what you mean and mean what you say!
So in parenting do your children know that your word can be relied upon, that it is the law? Do they know that beyond a shadow of a doubt when you say YES you mean nothing short of yes? Then also when you say NO do they know you mean NO?
More precisely:
When you tell one of your children that you expect him to do something, does he absolutely know that he is going to have to do it, that you absolutely WILL enforce your instructions? If you can answer that question with a yes then your child indeed knows your yes means yes. On the other hand, have you given your child reason to think that if he stalls long enough, complains loudly and dramatically enough, or begins to argue you may give up and do it yourself? If that is the case, then your child has learned that your yes really means "I wish you would".
When you tell your child that you will NOT let him do something he wants to do or give him something he desires, does he absolutely, without a doubt know that you mean what you have said? If so then your child has learned that your NO means No. Or does he believe that if he argues, cries pitifully, or begins ranting raving, and raging you are likely to give in, if not completely, at least partially? If that is the case, then you have taught your child that your no does not mean no but it means "I'd rather you didn't", I'd rather not or "Please don't make this difficult, okay?"
As the parent the problem is you not your child and you are the one who has to say what you mean and mean what you say and apply Matt. 5:37 to your parenting.
And as the parent you do NOT have to explain your position. If you need to say something make it short like 1) you're not old enough 2) you might get hurt 3) we don't have the money or won't use money for that 4) we don't have the time or we won't take the time for that 5) we don't believe in that and last 6) we don't like those kids. With your short answer to them be done turn around and leave or go back to what you were doing but continue to engage or argue with your child.
This is where "Because I said so" comes into play. You and your spouse are the leaders in your house and if you say what you mean and mean what you say, then because I said so is all your children need to know and they will know as well that you are serious and it is the end of discussion.
Do effective leaders do much explaining when it come to their decisions? NO, they do not. That is because leadership demands decisiveness. When people in leadership positions begin giving explanations, they look less decisive.
So this week work on your yes being yes and your no being no and don't get into the habit of explaining yourself especially to a 2 or 3 year old :)
This information is brought to you by "Parenting By the Book" by John Rosemond a must read for every parent.
I love this verse and it applies to many areas of our lives including parenting children. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gave his disciples what is without question the most important of all leadership principles. Say what you mean and mean what you say!
So in parenting do your children know that your word can be relied upon, that it is the law? Do they know that beyond a shadow of a doubt when you say YES you mean nothing short of yes? Then also when you say NO do they know you mean NO?
More precisely:
When you tell one of your children that you expect him to do something, does he absolutely know that he is going to have to do it, that you absolutely WILL enforce your instructions? If you can answer that question with a yes then your child indeed knows your yes means yes. On the other hand, have you given your child reason to think that if he stalls long enough, complains loudly and dramatically enough, or begins to argue you may give up and do it yourself? If that is the case, then your child has learned that your yes really means "I wish you would".
When you tell your child that you will NOT let him do something he wants to do or give him something he desires, does he absolutely, without a doubt know that you mean what you have said? If so then your child has learned that your NO means No. Or does he believe that if he argues, cries pitifully, or begins ranting raving, and raging you are likely to give in, if not completely, at least partially? If that is the case, then you have taught your child that your no does not mean no but it means "I'd rather you didn't", I'd rather not or "Please don't make this difficult, okay?"
As the parent the problem is you not your child and you are the one who has to say what you mean and mean what you say and apply Matt. 5:37 to your parenting.
And as the parent you do NOT have to explain your position. If you need to say something make it short like 1) you're not old enough 2) you might get hurt 3) we don't have the money or won't use money for that 4) we don't have the time or we won't take the time for that 5) we don't believe in that and last 6) we don't like those kids. With your short answer to them be done turn around and leave or go back to what you were doing but continue to engage or argue with your child.
This is where "Because I said so" comes into play. You and your spouse are the leaders in your house and if you say what you mean and mean what you say, then because I said so is all your children need to know and they will know as well that you are serious and it is the end of discussion.
Do effective leaders do much explaining when it come to their decisions? NO, they do not. That is because leadership demands decisiveness. When people in leadership positions begin giving explanations, they look less decisive.
So this week work on your yes being yes and your no being no and don't get into the habit of explaining yourself especially to a 2 or 3 year old :)
This information is brought to you by "Parenting By the Book" by John Rosemond a must read for every parent.
Friday, October 22, 2010
10 Things the Bible Tells Me So
I'm almost done reading Parenting by The Book by John Rosemond. It is a very good book for all parents to read to help get back to the basics of child raising and discipline based on what the Bible says. As Christians is that not what we want to do live by the Book. We too need to be the example to others around us and to our children to live by the Book. It is hard and we do mess up everyday. Or at least I mess up everyday but I do want to help me kids to understand the Truth of what God says, since the Devil has forces all around them trying to lead them in a different way. So today I'm talking from Chapter 9 called The Bible Tells Me So with Proverbs 3:5 as the verse.
The Bible has a number of things to say concerning the discipline of children. This stems from as the Bible tells us about the sinfulness of children. Children do NOT need to be taught how to misbehave; it comes naturally to them...agree? It's the positive influence of adults who are committed to the goal of raising a person of character that is essential.
1) Discipline and Love are Two Sides of the Same Coin: Prov. 3:12
The Bible says that discipline is an expression of delight in one's child. The more parents delight, the more effectively they discipline, and the more effectively they discipline the more they will delight. The Bible also says that parents who discipline their children properly are doing the Lord's work. So it goes without saying that more gratifying employment cannot be found.
2)Punishment is Never Pleasant but Produces Great Benefit for the Person Punished: Hebrews 12:11
The writer of Hebrews is saying is that if correction is not painful to the person corrected, it will have no effect. Two generations ago, parents had no problem making children feel bad when they did bad things. Today because of all the psycho babble going on we are taught 1)attempt to correct their children's misbehavior while 2)taking great care not to make their children feel bad. As a result of this teaching we now have many undisciplined children and mental health professionals enjoy higher standards of living.
3) Punishment is Essential to Proper Discipline: Hebrews 12:6
Today's parents do a lot of talking, reasoning and explaining to their children, when it comes to their bad behaviors. But the Bible says proper discipline, including punishment when appropriate, is an expression of love. Who do you believe? The Bible or the world??
4)Proper Discipline Validates a Child: Hebrews 12:8 If you are not disciplined....then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
What's this? If a child is not disciplined, the child is not legitimate? It's the equivalent of saying that parental failure to discipline is a form of child neglect. As a mature individual is justified (validated) to God by his or her faith, a child is justified to society (turned into a functional citizen) through proper parental discipline.
5) Obedient Children are Pleasing to Their Parents: Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace;he will bring delight to your soul.
Everyone knows parents whose children are disobedient, sassy and so on. Do they seem at peace? Do they seem to delight in their children? Parents who are content with and in their parenting have children who are respectful, well-mannered, and obedient. The opposite is true as well: It never fails that parents who seem constantly under stress, exasperated, and worried have children who are ill-behaved. Those parents are convinced that their children's ill behavior is the cause of their stress, but that belief is a form of denial. The real problem is their lack of parental discipline!!! The Bible is clear that in order for a child to bring a parent peace rather then discord, the child MUST be properly disciplined.
6) Children are to Obey Their Parents: Colossians 3:20
God wants a relationship with us, but a relationship with God requires self-discipline. Parents who properly discipline their children are likely to raise self-disciplined children who have what it takes to become permanent citizens of the Kingdom. No wonder the obedient child is pleasing to the Lord.
7) Obedience will bring Blessings to Children: Proverbs 1:8-9
A parent who says, "I wish my child would obey me!" just doesn't get it. First, children don't grant adult wishes. Second, that parent wants his child to obey for his benefit; so that he won't be so frustrated and stressed out; so that he'll have more peace of mind. But the Bible clearly says that although parents are certainly blessed by children who are well behaved, the primary blessings of good behavior flow to the children themselves; good manners are like fine jewelry-they grace the person who "wears" them.
8) The Most Obedient Children are also the Happiest, Most Self-Respecting Children: Proverbs 15:32
The happiest parents always seem to have the most obedient children, and the most obedient children are the happiest children. Happiness abounds for those who are obedient, in large part because obedience to legitimate authority is not only a sign of respect for the person in authority, but also self-respect. Disobedient people, wherever they are found are never found happy. They are angry, sullen, malcontents who "despise themselves." Lacking respect for authority, they also lack self-respect. Which one of these people would you like your child to be?
9) A Lack of Discipline Contributes to Death - In the Everlasting Sense: Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
Hope. No guarantees, just hope. Proper discipline sets a child on the right road, but it's up to him/her to see to it that he/she stays there - or finds his/her way back when they stray. But you need to get them started out on the right path by disciplining them now. Give the gift of Hope to your children!
10) Discipline is the Way to Life Eternal: Proverbs 6:23
Jesus made a bold statement that He is the "way and the truth and the life" (John 14:6). Through Him we are granted eternal life. In Proverbs, we are told two things; Discipline is the way to life, and the lack of discipline leads ultimately to death. That's how important discipline is!! Through proper discipline, a parent gives a child the greatest gift of all.
This is something I read from the book that I thought might be helpful to some of you out there. This is a great book and I highly recommend it for all parents. You do need to discipline your children not put them on medications. So much of the problems in the school system, and at home are from children who have no consistent discipline but God disciplines us as adults and He is our example and He clearly tells us in the Bible that we too are to Discipline our children that He has given to us. So are you still wanting to believe the world in how to raise your children or to the Creator of those children? It's a choice and the choice is yours.
The Bible has a number of things to say concerning the discipline of children. This stems from as the Bible tells us about the sinfulness of children. Children do NOT need to be taught how to misbehave; it comes naturally to them...agree? It's the positive influence of adults who are committed to the goal of raising a person of character that is essential.
1) Discipline and Love are Two Sides of the Same Coin: Prov. 3:12
The Bible says that discipline is an expression of delight in one's child. The more parents delight, the more effectively they discipline, and the more effectively they discipline the more they will delight. The Bible also says that parents who discipline their children properly are doing the Lord's work. So it goes without saying that more gratifying employment cannot be found.
2)Punishment is Never Pleasant but Produces Great Benefit for the Person Punished: Hebrews 12:11
The writer of Hebrews is saying is that if correction is not painful to the person corrected, it will have no effect. Two generations ago, parents had no problem making children feel bad when they did bad things. Today because of all the psycho babble going on we are taught 1)attempt to correct their children's misbehavior while 2)taking great care not to make their children feel bad. As a result of this teaching we now have many undisciplined children and mental health professionals enjoy higher standards of living.
3) Punishment is Essential to Proper Discipline: Hebrews 12:6
Today's parents do a lot of talking, reasoning and explaining to their children, when it comes to their bad behaviors. But the Bible says proper discipline, including punishment when appropriate, is an expression of love. Who do you believe? The Bible or the world??
4)Proper Discipline Validates a Child: Hebrews 12:8 If you are not disciplined....then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
What's this? If a child is not disciplined, the child is not legitimate? It's the equivalent of saying that parental failure to discipline is a form of child neglect. As a mature individual is justified (validated) to God by his or her faith, a child is justified to society (turned into a functional citizen) through proper parental discipline.
5) Obedient Children are Pleasing to Their Parents: Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace;he will bring delight to your soul.
Everyone knows parents whose children are disobedient, sassy and so on. Do they seem at peace? Do they seem to delight in their children? Parents who are content with and in their parenting have children who are respectful, well-mannered, and obedient. The opposite is true as well: It never fails that parents who seem constantly under stress, exasperated, and worried have children who are ill-behaved. Those parents are convinced that their children's ill behavior is the cause of their stress, but that belief is a form of denial. The real problem is their lack of parental discipline!!! The Bible is clear that in order for a child to bring a parent peace rather then discord, the child MUST be properly disciplined.
6) Children are to Obey Their Parents: Colossians 3:20
God wants a relationship with us, but a relationship with God requires self-discipline. Parents who properly discipline their children are likely to raise self-disciplined children who have what it takes to become permanent citizens of the Kingdom. No wonder the obedient child is pleasing to the Lord.
7) Obedience will bring Blessings to Children: Proverbs 1:8-9
A parent who says, "I wish my child would obey me!" just doesn't get it. First, children don't grant adult wishes. Second, that parent wants his child to obey for his benefit; so that he won't be so frustrated and stressed out; so that he'll have more peace of mind. But the Bible clearly says that although parents are certainly blessed by children who are well behaved, the primary blessings of good behavior flow to the children themselves; good manners are like fine jewelry-they grace the person who "wears" them.
8) The Most Obedient Children are also the Happiest, Most Self-Respecting Children: Proverbs 15:32
The happiest parents always seem to have the most obedient children, and the most obedient children are the happiest children. Happiness abounds for those who are obedient, in large part because obedience to legitimate authority is not only a sign of respect for the person in authority, but also self-respect. Disobedient people, wherever they are found are never found happy. They are angry, sullen, malcontents who "despise themselves." Lacking respect for authority, they also lack self-respect. Which one of these people would you like your child to be?
9) A Lack of Discipline Contributes to Death - In the Everlasting Sense: Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
Hope. No guarantees, just hope. Proper discipline sets a child on the right road, but it's up to him/her to see to it that he/she stays there - or finds his/her way back when they stray. But you need to get them started out on the right path by disciplining them now. Give the gift of Hope to your children!
10) Discipline is the Way to Life Eternal: Proverbs 6:23
Jesus made a bold statement that He is the "way and the truth and the life" (John 14:6). Through Him we are granted eternal life. In Proverbs, we are told two things; Discipline is the way to life, and the lack of discipline leads ultimately to death. That's how important discipline is!! Through proper discipline, a parent gives a child the greatest gift of all.
This is something I read from the book that I thought might be helpful to some of you out there. This is a great book and I highly recommend it for all parents. You do need to discipline your children not put them on medications. So much of the problems in the school system, and at home are from children who have no consistent discipline but God disciplines us as adults and He is our example and He clearly tells us in the Bible that we too are to Discipline our children that He has given to us. So are you still wanting to believe the world in how to raise your children or to the Creator of those children? It's a choice and the choice is yours.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Question & Answers by John Rosemond
Q: My 10-year-old daughter has been asking for a year now to shave her legs. So far I have said no, mainly because putting a razor in the hands of a 10-year-old doesn't seem safe. Though she is small for her age and not even close to starting puberty, her legs really are quite hairy and she gets teased about them sometimes. I don't want to promote vanity, but I hate to see her self-conscious over something that is simple to fix. Is it totally inappropriate for a girl her age to be shaving her legs? If so, what would be a more appropriate age? Also, can you recommend a particular brand of razor, or should we use chemical hair removers and avoid razors altogether?
A: Your daughter is entering a time in her life when self-consciousness becomes problematic and other children can be extremely cruel. The cruelty is actually a way of compensating for one's own insecurities. Given that this is the personal and social reality your daughter is now dealing with, I encourage you to let her shave her legs. Having never shaved my legs, I consulted with my wife, Willie, on this. She recommends that you first show your daughter how to use hair-removing cream and then provide her with an electric razor until she is older. I use an electric for evening touch-ups and recommend a good rotary. Stay away from inexpensive off-brands. They aren't worth it.
Q: Our 10-year-old daughter goes back and forth between our house and her mom's. Our homes are run very differently. Bio-Mom gives her everything she wants (cell phone, expensive computer, TV and DVD in her room, etc). In our home we have chores and rules. We also discipline her, especially when she is disrespectful, which is often. Just recently, after an up-and-down day, we listened in on a phone call between her and her mother. Her mother told her she would call later and tell us a lie about why she needed her to come home right away. They laughed at how they were going to pull the wool over our eyes. To me as the stepmom it makes all perfect sense why our 10-year-old doesn't respect us. Any advice?
A: Indeed, it makes perfect sense. If the phone call is typical, then this is a mother who is trying to be her daughter's best friend. That is incompatible with being an authority figure, so the only discipline your daughter ever experiences is at your house. And of course she resents it. And of course she complains about it to her best friend, and of course her best friend becomes an enabler. And the wheel keeps on turning.
Let's be realistic. Will it be possible for you to have a rational discussion about these issues with this very immature mother? Nope. Can you, therefore, hope to solve this child's disrespect of adults who act like adults? Nope. Nonetheless, should you punish her when the disrespect occurs? Absolutely. Never give up. Never surrender. Understand, however, that while discipline is appropriate, it's not going to solve the problem.
There are, in fact, some problems that just aren't solvable. They are, at best, tolerable. I think you're going to have to figure out a way to tolerate this until your daughter grows up, which may another thirty years. In the meantime, my best advice is "grin and bear it."
By the way, some people may think it was inappropriate of you to "bug" the phone conversation. I do not. Wiretapping laws do not extend to 10-year-olds.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
A: Your daughter is entering a time in her life when self-consciousness becomes problematic and other children can be extremely cruel. The cruelty is actually a way of compensating for one's own insecurities. Given that this is the personal and social reality your daughter is now dealing with, I encourage you to let her shave her legs. Having never shaved my legs, I consulted with my wife, Willie, on this. She recommends that you first show your daughter how to use hair-removing cream and then provide her with an electric razor until she is older. I use an electric for evening touch-ups and recommend a good rotary. Stay away from inexpensive off-brands. They aren't worth it.
Q: Our 10-year-old daughter goes back and forth between our house and her mom's. Our homes are run very differently. Bio-Mom gives her everything she wants (cell phone, expensive computer, TV and DVD in her room, etc). In our home we have chores and rules. We also discipline her, especially when she is disrespectful, which is often. Just recently, after an up-and-down day, we listened in on a phone call between her and her mother. Her mother told her she would call later and tell us a lie about why she needed her to come home right away. They laughed at how they were going to pull the wool over our eyes. To me as the stepmom it makes all perfect sense why our 10-year-old doesn't respect us. Any advice?
A: Indeed, it makes perfect sense. If the phone call is typical, then this is a mother who is trying to be her daughter's best friend. That is incompatible with being an authority figure, so the only discipline your daughter ever experiences is at your house. And of course she resents it. And of course she complains about it to her best friend, and of course her best friend becomes an enabler. And the wheel keeps on turning.
Let's be realistic. Will it be possible for you to have a rational discussion about these issues with this very immature mother? Nope. Can you, therefore, hope to solve this child's disrespect of adults who act like adults? Nope. Nonetheless, should you punish her when the disrespect occurs? Absolutely. Never give up. Never surrender. Understand, however, that while discipline is appropriate, it's not going to solve the problem.
There are, in fact, some problems that just aren't solvable. They are, at best, tolerable. I think you're going to have to figure out a way to tolerate this until your daughter grows up, which may another thirty years. In the meantime, my best advice is "grin and bear it."
By the way, some people may think it was inappropriate of you to "bug" the phone conversation. I do not. Wiretapping laws do not extend to 10-year-olds.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
No discipline in school...What!
The National Association for the Education of Young Children and I don't see eye-to-eye on many things-maybe anything. We don't even agree on a definition of "child." For example, they believe children are capable of being reasoned with. I believe that if a person is capable of being reasoned with, he or she is no longer a child.
NAEYC certifies preschool education programs, and their standards, as one would expect, reflect their philosophy. They will not give a program their seal of approval if it punishes children who do bad things. Why? Because children do not do bad things. According to one of NAEYC's publications, they simply "make mistakes in their behavior." In other words, when a child does the wrong thing, it is not intentional. Really? I was a child once. When caught, I was rather clever when it came to appearing that "I didn't mean it." Adults who believed me did me no favors.
A North Carolina preschool teacher recently told me their director informed her and her colleagues that time-out is being phased from the classroom because it is a form of "shaming." Instead, they are to re-direct the misguided child to a more positive activity. A week after being so informed, said teacher reprimanded a toddler who was beating on another child. No punishment, just a reprimand. The director scolded her for being too negative. I feel certain the director did not appreciate the irony.
Another teacher in the program came up with the idea that children who followed classroom rules would get a prize at the end of the day. A child became upset that she didn't get the prize. The director told the teacher to apologize to the child for singling her out and to give her the prize. This child has thus been moved one step further toward incurable narcissism. This is the stuff of trying to become certified by NAEYC.
One of NAEYC's papers (http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc/file/Gartrell%2001.pdf) says that "punishments such as time-outs confuse young children because they cannot easily understand the sequence of behaviors during and after a conflict nor what removal to a chair has to do with them." That sentence confuses me, so I'm fairly certain it's an example of pure, distilled psychobabble. The same paper goes on to assert that time-outs cause children to feel ineffectual, prevent them from developing alternative strategies, lower their self-worth, and are bewildering because young children have difficulty figuring out cause-effect relationships. Psychobabble is any assertion that cannot be verified by the scientific method. All of the preceding fits that definition.
Concerning shame, it is dysfunctional when it is either excessive or absent. But when a child misbehaves, he should feel ashamed. Young children are incapable of feeling shame on their own; therefore, they need responsible agents (i.e. adults) to help them feel it. This process is essential to proper socialization; to an appreciation of the effect one's behavior has on others.
Concerning children, I know that back in the parenting dark ages, when children knew they were going to be punished for misbehaving, they were far more likely to behave. That is why a teacher in the 1950s had no problem teaching 50 or more first-graders without an aide (of the 1950s first grade class sizes I've come across, 95 is the record so far, and the woman who taught that leviathan remembered no significant discipline problems).
Today's teachers are dealing with classroom behavior problems that would have astounded our great-grandparents. NAEYC ought to be ashamed for contributing to this problem...but they won't be. They don't believe in shame.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
NAEYC certifies preschool education programs, and their standards, as one would expect, reflect their philosophy. They will not give a program their seal of approval if it punishes children who do bad things. Why? Because children do not do bad things. According to one of NAEYC's publications, they simply "make mistakes in their behavior." In other words, when a child does the wrong thing, it is not intentional. Really? I was a child once. When caught, I was rather clever when it came to appearing that "I didn't mean it." Adults who believed me did me no favors.
A North Carolina preschool teacher recently told me their director informed her and her colleagues that time-out is being phased from the classroom because it is a form of "shaming." Instead, they are to re-direct the misguided child to a more positive activity. A week after being so informed, said teacher reprimanded a toddler who was beating on another child. No punishment, just a reprimand. The director scolded her for being too negative. I feel certain the director did not appreciate the irony.
Another teacher in the program came up with the idea that children who followed classroom rules would get a prize at the end of the day. A child became upset that she didn't get the prize. The director told the teacher to apologize to the child for singling her out and to give her the prize. This child has thus been moved one step further toward incurable narcissism. This is the stuff of trying to become certified by NAEYC.
One of NAEYC's papers (http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc/file/Gartrell%2001.pdf) says that "punishments such as time-outs confuse young children because they cannot easily understand the sequence of behaviors during and after a conflict nor what removal to a chair has to do with them." That sentence confuses me, so I'm fairly certain it's an example of pure, distilled psychobabble. The same paper goes on to assert that time-outs cause children to feel ineffectual, prevent them from developing alternative strategies, lower their self-worth, and are bewildering because young children have difficulty figuring out cause-effect relationships. Psychobabble is any assertion that cannot be verified by the scientific method. All of the preceding fits that definition.
Concerning shame, it is dysfunctional when it is either excessive or absent. But when a child misbehaves, he should feel ashamed. Young children are incapable of feeling shame on their own; therefore, they need responsible agents (i.e. adults) to help them feel it. This process is essential to proper socialization; to an appreciation of the effect one's behavior has on others.
Concerning children, I know that back in the parenting dark ages, when children knew they were going to be punished for misbehaving, they were far more likely to behave. That is why a teacher in the 1950s had no problem teaching 50 or more first-graders without an aide (of the 1950s first grade class sizes I've come across, 95 is the record so far, and the woman who taught that leviathan remembered no significant discipline problems).
Today's teachers are dealing with classroom behavior problems that would have astounded our great-grandparents. NAEYC ought to be ashamed for contributing to this problem...but they won't be. They don't believe in shame.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
School grades and Parents
One of the differences between parents of the 1950s and today's is that the former did not care what grades their children made in school. Mind you, they insisted that their children do their best, but if a child's best was average, his parents accepted that and did nothing to make him look like a better student than what he was. Today's parents, as a lot, seem to have great difficulty accepting less than A's on their children's report cards. As a consequence, they are found doing all they can to create the outward impression that their children are a cut above in the achievement department.
Doing one's best is a character issue. When a parent does her best to insure good grades on her child's report cards, the report cards may in fact look good, but the child suffers in the long run. He never learns to do his best. He is disadvantaged, therefore, when faced with difficult problems. He never even really learns what he is capable of and becomes increasingly dependent upon his parents to solve problems for him. In short, while his grades do not suffer (in the short run), his character certainly does.
It appears that the zeal to have one's child identified as gifted and talented and placed, therefore, on an advanced and accelerated track in school is misplaced. A newly-released study finds that only 3 percent of gifted and talented children live up to their potential. The study's author, educational psychologist Joan Freeman, tracked 210 gifted children into adulthood and discovered that only 6 achieved a level of vocational success commensurate with their abilities.
To what did Freeman attribute this underachievement? Overinvolved, pushy parents who end up robbing their children of their childhoods. By all appearances, these kids are high achievers, but they are often not well-founded, especially when it comes to social skills.
"The pleasures and creativity of childhood are the basis of all great work," Freeman writes. She cites one child who was considered a math prodigy. As an adult, he has failed to find any satisfying work and is currently working at a fast-food joint, flipping burgers. It appears that drive, personality, and social skills are as critical to success as ability, perhaps moreso. Needless to say, drive cannot develop if someone else is doing the driving.
The day after this study was released I was in Connecticut doing my usual public-speaking thing. I built much of my first talk around it, in an attempt to help the overachieving moms in the audience step back from the insanity they've bought into and find lives of their own outside of the role of mother (and help their children discover the true pleasures of childhood in the process).
After the talk, a mom came up and told me that prior to having children she had worked in the admissions office of a prestigious New England private college. A disproportionate number of students at said college come from the rolls of gifted and talented programs.
"These young people are often lost without their parents' constant help and validation," she said. Their parents coach them through every difficulty, help them with their homework via the Internet, and stand ready to confront any professor who dares gives them less than A's.
To paraphrase something my stepfather was fond of saying: An impressive transcript and a dollar will buy you a cup of coffee.
Doing one's best is a character issue. When a parent does her best to insure good grades on her child's report cards, the report cards may in fact look good, but the child suffers in the long run. He never learns to do his best. He is disadvantaged, therefore, when faced with difficult problems. He never even really learns what he is capable of and becomes increasingly dependent upon his parents to solve problems for him. In short, while his grades do not suffer (in the short run), his character certainly does.
It appears that the zeal to have one's child identified as gifted and talented and placed, therefore, on an advanced and accelerated track in school is misplaced. A newly-released study finds that only 3 percent of gifted and talented children live up to their potential. The study's author, educational psychologist Joan Freeman, tracked 210 gifted children into adulthood and discovered that only 6 achieved a level of vocational success commensurate with their abilities.
To what did Freeman attribute this underachievement? Overinvolved, pushy parents who end up robbing their children of their childhoods. By all appearances, these kids are high achievers, but they are often not well-founded, especially when it comes to social skills.
"The pleasures and creativity of childhood are the basis of all great work," Freeman writes. She cites one child who was considered a math prodigy. As an adult, he has failed to find any satisfying work and is currently working at a fast-food joint, flipping burgers. It appears that drive, personality, and social skills are as critical to success as ability, perhaps moreso. Needless to say, drive cannot develop if someone else is doing the driving.
The day after this study was released I was in Connecticut doing my usual public-speaking thing. I built much of my first talk around it, in an attempt to help the overachieving moms in the audience step back from the insanity they've bought into and find lives of their own outside of the role of mother (and help their children discover the true pleasures of childhood in the process).
After the talk, a mom came up and told me that prior to having children she had worked in the admissions office of a prestigious New England private college. A disproportionate number of students at said college come from the rolls of gifted and talented programs.
"These young people are often lost without their parents' constant help and validation," she said. Their parents coach them through every difficulty, help them with their homework via the Internet, and stand ready to confront any professor who dares gives them less than A's.
To paraphrase something my stepfather was fond of saying: An impressive transcript and a dollar will buy you a cup of coffee.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
2 Year old won't eat much just wants milk
Q: My 2-year-old daughter eats a few bites of supper each night and then wants milk. So I give her milk. Then she refuses to eat anything else. We take the milk away and attempt to bribe her to take a bite of this or a bite of that. Sometimes we make her something else to eat, something we know she likes. What can we do to get her to eat without hassles? I know that giving her milk before she's finished everything on her plate makes no sense, but I'm afraid that if I don't, it may lead to future eating problems.
A: The worry that not giving your daughter milk when she asks for it may eventually cause her to develop an eating disorder is a prime example of what I call a "psychological boogeyman"-an unfounded fear that paralyzes a parent's ability to think clearly about an issue and therefore his or her ability to act effectively. You're hardly alone in this regard. I estimate that at least 90 percent of America's parents (mothers, mostly) are infected with one or more of these diabolical psychological viruses.
You're making a mountain out of an anthill. Wouldn't everyone's lives be simpler and therefore happier if you simply give your daughter milk when she wants milk? Yes, they would. Milk is not the problem; you are. I'm sorry to have to tell you this so bluntly, but newspapers don't give me enough space to be warm and fuzzy about such things. Besides, I'm a man, and my genes prevent me from being very sensitive.
If your daughter was not thriving, she would be symptomatic: dark half-circles under her eyes, lethargy, a distended tummy, and so on. In the absence of symptoms, one is forced to conclude that nutrition is not an issue. Some toddlers eat like small horses, some eat like birds (a bad, albeit popular, analogy, since most birds eat huge amounts of food relative to their body weights). In either case, these toddlers thrive. Besides, processed milk is full of good vitamins like D. (Personally, I'd give her nothing but organic milk, which can be had at just about any chain grocery.) If you want to add some insurance into the equation, give her a chewable multi-vitamin every day.
Problems of this sort reinforce my belief that very young children should not be sitting at the "big table" for family meals. The arrangement is a set-up for parents to begin cajoling (and when that fails, attempting to force) a child to eat. The child in question becomes the focus of everyone's attention at the table and learns that she can manipulate her parents by refusing to eat what they want her to eat. The learning in question takes place intuitively, not consciously, but the end result is the same: family meals that are not pleasant for anyone.
Put a plate of bite-size fruits and veggies (carrot sticks, cucumber slices, orange wedges, dehydrated apple slices, and so on) out for your daughter to snack on during the day. Thirty minutes before you and your husband sit down to eat, put your daughter at the table (or a smaller, child-size table, which kids generally love) with her dinner (a smaller version of what you're eating). Let her eat what she feels like eating, then give her milk, then let her down, at which point you and your husband sit down to a peaceful, child-free time of conversation.
When she's older and has developed a more ecumenical palate, have her join you. In the meantime, enjoy!
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.
A: The worry that not giving your daughter milk when she asks for it may eventually cause her to develop an eating disorder is a prime example of what I call a "psychological boogeyman"-an unfounded fear that paralyzes a parent's ability to think clearly about an issue and therefore his or her ability to act effectively. You're hardly alone in this regard. I estimate that at least 90 percent of America's parents (mothers, mostly) are infected with one or more of these diabolical psychological viruses.
You're making a mountain out of an anthill. Wouldn't everyone's lives be simpler and therefore happier if you simply give your daughter milk when she wants milk? Yes, they would. Milk is not the problem; you are. I'm sorry to have to tell you this so bluntly, but newspapers don't give me enough space to be warm and fuzzy about such things. Besides, I'm a man, and my genes prevent me from being very sensitive.
If your daughter was not thriving, she would be symptomatic: dark half-circles under her eyes, lethargy, a distended tummy, and so on. In the absence of symptoms, one is forced to conclude that nutrition is not an issue. Some toddlers eat like small horses, some eat like birds (a bad, albeit popular, analogy, since most birds eat huge amounts of food relative to their body weights). In either case, these toddlers thrive. Besides, processed milk is full of good vitamins like D. (Personally, I'd give her nothing but organic milk, which can be had at just about any chain grocery.) If you want to add some insurance into the equation, give her a chewable multi-vitamin every day.
Problems of this sort reinforce my belief that very young children should not be sitting at the "big table" for family meals. The arrangement is a set-up for parents to begin cajoling (and when that fails, attempting to force) a child to eat. The child in question becomes the focus of everyone's attention at the table and learns that she can manipulate her parents by refusing to eat what they want her to eat. The learning in question takes place intuitively, not consciously, but the end result is the same: family meals that are not pleasant for anyone.
Put a plate of bite-size fruits and veggies (carrot sticks, cucumber slices, orange wedges, dehydrated apple slices, and so on) out for your daughter to snack on during the day. Thirty minutes before you and your husband sit down to eat, put your daughter at the table (or a smaller, child-size table, which kids generally love) with her dinner (a smaller version of what you're eating). Let her eat what she feels like eating, then give her milk, then let her down, at which point you and your husband sit down to a peaceful, child-free time of conversation.
When she's older and has developed a more ecumenical palate, have her join you. In the meantime, enjoy!
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Marion Homeschool Program was able to have a guy named John Rosemond come and speak. John has written quite a few books and has the "old school" way of parenting. More closely to the way your parents and grandparents were raised. When there was authority in the house and the house was run by the parents not the kids. He was very funny and very good. I signed up to read his weekly column which is published in I think 25 newspapers around the USA. I will probably put his column on my blog and Facebook page each week as it is very good information for us parents today. Here is this weeks article:
The notion that adults should do all they possibly can to advance the self-esteem of children is dying a slow but hopefully unavoidable death. Research done by a number of objective folks, most notably Roy Baumeister at Florida State University, has clearly shown that high self-esteem is closely associated with anti-social inclinations. Unfortunately, it's taken more than a decade for the research in question to bridge the gap between academia and popular culture. At this writing, two generations of parents were persuaded to devote themselves to creating child-rearing environments that were rich in praise and reward but lacking in reality, elevating their children to idol status in the process.
Thankfully, I am a member of the last generation of American kids who were not allowed to possess high self-esteem. My mother and later her second husband did all they could to repress my Inner Brat, for which I am most grateful. (I did not, however, appreciate their efforts at the time.) When I had an outburst of high self-esteem, one of them would tell me I was "acting too big for my britches" and needed to size myself to the psychic garment in question before they were forced to lend me a literal hand.
Then there were those occasions when, without reprimand, one or the other of them would say, "It would be good for you to always remember that no matter what you accomplish in this world, you are really just a little fish in a big pond." It's very helpful for me to remind myself of this on a regular basis.
Everyone in my generation heard these very healthy things from their parents. I estimate that there are less than ten parents in America who say these psychologically incorrect things today. Today's typical parent seems to think his/her child is the only fish in the pond worth noticing, which is really too bad for his/her child. It's bad for all of us, actually, because the research also finds that the higher a person's self-regard, the lower his regard for others. (It is also noteworthy that high self-esteem puts the individual at high risk for bouts of severe depression.) People with high self-esteem want to be paid attention to and served. They believe in their entitlement. On the other hand, folks with high regard for others pay attention to others and look for opportunities to serve them.
It is unarguable that culture is best served, preserved, and advanced by folks who fit into the latter category. Entitlements weaken, and a culture-wide entitlement mentality weakens the entire culture. Along these lines, every single manager, employer, and supervisor with whom I've talked in the last decade or so has told me that today's young college graduates, by and large, are not looking for work; rather, they are looking for benefits packages (i.e. entitlements). They can't handle criticism, I'm told. They are loathe to do more than "the minimum," yet they expect promotions. The list of high self-esteem symptoms goes on and on. This is corrosion. It threatens America's future.
Raising a child who possesses high other-regard simply requires that parents do what our great-grandparents did. They put their marriages first, not their kids. They gave their children all that they truly needed and very little of what they simply wanted. They assigned daily chores from age three on. They expected their children to always do their best, in whatever setting. Their beds were for adults only. They rarely helped their kids with their homework. They did not serve them individualized dinners. Family came first, not after-school activities. And so on. This parenting paradigm is as workable today as it was when I was a child.
In fact, a small number (but I sense it is slowly growing) of parents have made the conscious decision to create this retro-revolution in their families. Surely, they are salt of the earth.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.
The notion that adults should do all they possibly can to advance the self-esteem of children is dying a slow but hopefully unavoidable death. Research done by a number of objective folks, most notably Roy Baumeister at Florida State University, has clearly shown that high self-esteem is closely associated with anti-social inclinations. Unfortunately, it's taken more than a decade for the research in question to bridge the gap between academia and popular culture. At this writing, two generations of parents were persuaded to devote themselves to creating child-rearing environments that were rich in praise and reward but lacking in reality, elevating their children to idol status in the process.
Thankfully, I am a member of the last generation of American kids who were not allowed to possess high self-esteem. My mother and later her second husband did all they could to repress my Inner Brat, for which I am most grateful. (I did not, however, appreciate their efforts at the time.) When I had an outburst of high self-esteem, one of them would tell me I was "acting too big for my britches" and needed to size myself to the psychic garment in question before they were forced to lend me a literal hand.
Then there were those occasions when, without reprimand, one or the other of them would say, "It would be good for you to always remember that no matter what you accomplish in this world, you are really just a little fish in a big pond." It's very helpful for me to remind myself of this on a regular basis.
Everyone in my generation heard these very healthy things from their parents. I estimate that there are less than ten parents in America who say these psychologically incorrect things today. Today's typical parent seems to think his/her child is the only fish in the pond worth noticing, which is really too bad for his/her child. It's bad for all of us, actually, because the research also finds that the higher a person's self-regard, the lower his regard for others. (It is also noteworthy that high self-esteem puts the individual at high risk for bouts of severe depression.) People with high self-esteem want to be paid attention to and served. They believe in their entitlement. On the other hand, folks with high regard for others pay attention to others and look for opportunities to serve them.
It is unarguable that culture is best served, preserved, and advanced by folks who fit into the latter category. Entitlements weaken, and a culture-wide entitlement mentality weakens the entire culture. Along these lines, every single manager, employer, and supervisor with whom I've talked in the last decade or so has told me that today's young college graduates, by and large, are not looking for work; rather, they are looking for benefits packages (i.e. entitlements). They can't handle criticism, I'm told. They are loathe to do more than "the minimum," yet they expect promotions. The list of high self-esteem symptoms goes on and on. This is corrosion. It threatens America's future.
Raising a child who possesses high other-regard simply requires that parents do what our great-grandparents did. They put their marriages first, not their kids. They gave their children all that they truly needed and very little of what they simply wanted. They assigned daily chores from age three on. They expected their children to always do their best, in whatever setting. Their beds were for adults only. They rarely helped their kids with their homework. They did not serve them individualized dinners. Family came first, not after-school activities. And so on. This parenting paradigm is as workable today as it was when I was a child.
In fact, a small number (but I sense it is slowly growing) of parents have made the conscious decision to create this retro-revolution in their families. Surely, they are salt of the earth.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Detasseling...Where to start???
Yesterday was my last day of detasseling and let's just say I should have made a detasseling diary everyday to share a story with you. But I was tired and my brain was done thinking by the end of the day so I didn't. But let's see what I can remember.
I went with others to driving school and the first day learned with about 5 minutes practice how to drive a detasseling machine. So basically it's more on the job training. But got paid for it.
Day 1: I was with another new driver and also someone who had never detasseled before so I was not sure of what the kids were even pulling. We had a short tempered, regular driver with us. The other guy Alan was up first to drive and Zach was helping. Zach didn't have patience with the new kids or Alan and did a lot of yelling in a not nice way. We switched and it's my turn to drive, I told Zach that he better not be yelling at me because all of this is new to me. Let's just say my tone and matter of fact attitude I had let him know I was not going to be treated like an idiot like he treated Alan and he was pleasant with me the whole day. I told Darryl about what a jerk he was in general, and that I let him know not to mess with me. So for me my day went well for Alan and some of the other new kids not so much. Not a very nice welcome to detasseling day 1.
Day 2: One of the kids on our machine from the previous day didn't show up. This was also this kids first day and Zach did a lot of yelling at him and eventually had him go on another machine because he didn't want to deal with him. Basically the kid is a VERY good kid he just kept missing tassels but everyone else did as well, I mean it was the first day and we were all just learning. Anyway I saw this kid later and was encouraging him and telling him that Zach in general is a big jerk and think he knows everything and that this kid was doing a good job and not to let what Zach said or did bother him because he is a jerk. Right before I was going to bed that night the doorbell rings, it was this kid and his mom and they came to say thank you to me for encouraging him and letting him know that he was doing good. They even brought me flowers, Very Sweet!
Day 3: I believe with all the rain I got my machine stuck twice. Once I was able to get it out and the next time needed help because I stuck in a muddy waterway :( I can't remember if anything else happened.
Day 4: Now I have been driving by myself since day 3 I think, and so I was still learning on when you finish a field where do I back up to restart and come down. Before I would basically just drive down to the end and then stop the machine climb down and have Trevor stand in the the row I needed to drive back in. So on this day there were a few other tractors and we were all finishing up around the same time. They waited for me before they could move their tractors so no one hits anyone else. Well I stop my machine and start to climb down and Joey a 16 year old kid whose dad has helped Rawley for 20+ years yells loudly "Oh My Go*" , and I yell back "Shut-Up"!! So I climbed down, set Trevor to my next spot and climb back up, I think it took a whole minute. We stop for water break as well as did Joey. So I walk over to Joey and tell him to never yell at me again like that, that I'm still learning and I was making sure I had the right spot and if he has a problem with it then to bad . This was only the beginning of my problems with this punk teen that I've known since he was little. His show off job was not impressing me!! Another driver Tina explained to me how the rows of corn were planted so that way I didn't have to have Trevor stand there for me. That had never been explained before and then from then on I was able to count the different rows and never needed Trevor to stand for me again.
The next problem I had with Joey was one day this week Rawley told kids to go with the drivers they had yesterday and get on a machine. I was towards the back and so kept on walking down until I found an empty tractor. My kids get on and I start to climb up, only to hear Joey saying hey that's my machine. I say no it's not it was open and I took it. He freaks out and says that it is his machine and that he is driving it. Joey is similar to Zach and can't seem to talk to anyone in a normal voice but has to project his testosterone by being loud in voice. I say fine and tell my crew to come with me we are going to find another tractor. He says hey you are taking all the kids. I say yes they want to ride with me not with you. Which is true! I had a posse of 7 kids that would find me everyday and stand right beside me so they didn't have to ride with any other drivers :) Then the last problem today. We were all finished and on the bus and Joey was giving Blow Pops to kids on his crew. He was holding them somewhat out and a girl took one from him. He tells her a few times give it back or I'll break your wrist. I'm the next seat back watching this all unfold. He keeps trying to get it back and she is messing with him and doesn't give it to him.
I see him grab her wrist and twist a little and so I join in and tell him if he hurts her or leaves a bruise I will call the cops and he will be taken away to juvenile detention. He then proceeds to argue with me that she would go as well for stealing his sucker and I tell him no she would not but he would for leaving marks. He continues to argue with me (total disrespect) and I say fine call Ricky Scott (our police chief) when you get home and ask him. He did let go of the girls wrist as soon as I said something and she did give him his 10 cent sucker back. But he has been very disrespectful to me, in any interaction that we have had. So I'm done with Joey.
Also throughout the weeks I've told kids to watch their mouths because their is constant swearing on the buses. One day our tractor got back later and I had to sit towards the back of the bus and had to tell a 14 year boy to change the subject of this gross sexual story he was telling. I would say about 40% of the kids were good kids the others I was dumbfounded by their mouths which was full of swearing and talking about sex and most were 14 years old. I think Lisbon School needs to have some etiquette classes mandatory for these kids. It was as bad as what I thought it would be. I'm sure it was like this on the Mt.Vernon bus as well, but I rode on the bus mostly of Lisbon kids.
Now the last day: I thought I would be detasseling and not driving but Rawley didn't have enough drivers show up so, I drove and we finished checking the last 2 smaller fields on Sunday.
All in all for me it went well. Some days it was so hot and the whole bus smelled like B.O. and other days you brought home a pound of mud on yourself. It was a quick way to make cash and the work itself is not hard. The hardest part for me was getting up early and working out in the fresh air for 6-9 hours a day. The Sun is a killer and I preferred it being overcast and even raining on me as opposed to it being sunny and 83. But I made the money I needed to send Trevor to camp, have money for NYC and to go to Alabama to see my parents this January or February. I worked a total of 12 days and Trevor a total of 10 days.
As for next year Rawley wants me to return and I might just depending on a lot of things. But my first year of detasseling/driving a tractor was a success!
I went with others to driving school and the first day learned with about 5 minutes practice how to drive a detasseling machine. So basically it's more on the job training. But got paid for it.
Day 1: I was with another new driver and also someone who had never detasseled before so I was not sure of what the kids were even pulling. We had a short tempered, regular driver with us. The other guy Alan was up first to drive and Zach was helping. Zach didn't have patience with the new kids or Alan and did a lot of yelling in a not nice way. We switched and it's my turn to drive, I told Zach that he better not be yelling at me because all of this is new to me. Let's just say my tone and matter of fact attitude I had let him know I was not going to be treated like an idiot like he treated Alan and he was pleasant with me the whole day. I told Darryl about what a jerk he was in general, and that I let him know not to mess with me. So for me my day went well for Alan and some of the other new kids not so much. Not a very nice welcome to detasseling day 1.
Day 2: One of the kids on our machine from the previous day didn't show up. This was also this kids first day and Zach did a lot of yelling at him and eventually had him go on another machine because he didn't want to deal with him. Basically the kid is a VERY good kid he just kept missing tassels but everyone else did as well, I mean it was the first day and we were all just learning. Anyway I saw this kid later and was encouraging him and telling him that Zach in general is a big jerk and think he knows everything and that this kid was doing a good job and not to let what Zach said or did bother him because he is a jerk. Right before I was going to bed that night the doorbell rings, it was this kid and his mom and they came to say thank you to me for encouraging him and letting him know that he was doing good. They even brought me flowers, Very Sweet!
Day 3: I believe with all the rain I got my machine stuck twice. Once I was able to get it out and the next time needed help because I stuck in a muddy waterway :( I can't remember if anything else happened.
Day 4: Now I have been driving by myself since day 3 I think, and so I was still learning on when you finish a field where do I back up to restart and come down. Before I would basically just drive down to the end and then stop the machine climb down and have Trevor stand in the the row I needed to drive back in. So on this day there were a few other tractors and we were all finishing up around the same time. They waited for me before they could move their tractors so no one hits anyone else. Well I stop my machine and start to climb down and Joey a 16 year old kid whose dad has helped Rawley for 20+ years yells loudly "Oh My Go*" , and I yell back "Shut-Up"!! So I climbed down, set Trevor to my next spot and climb back up, I think it took a whole minute. We stop for water break as well as did Joey. So I walk over to Joey and tell him to never yell at me again like that, that I'm still learning and I was making sure I had the right spot and if he has a problem with it then to bad . This was only the beginning of my problems with this punk teen that I've known since he was little. His show off job was not impressing me!! Another driver Tina explained to me how the rows of corn were planted so that way I didn't have to have Trevor stand there for me. That had never been explained before and then from then on I was able to count the different rows and never needed Trevor to stand for me again.
The next problem I had with Joey was one day this week Rawley told kids to go with the drivers they had yesterday and get on a machine. I was towards the back and so kept on walking down until I found an empty tractor. My kids get on and I start to climb up, only to hear Joey saying hey that's my machine. I say no it's not it was open and I took it. He freaks out and says that it is his machine and that he is driving it. Joey is similar to Zach and can't seem to talk to anyone in a normal voice but has to project his testosterone by being loud in voice. I say fine and tell my crew to come with me we are going to find another tractor. He says hey you are taking all the kids. I say yes they want to ride with me not with you. Which is true! I had a posse of 7 kids that would find me everyday and stand right beside me so they didn't have to ride with any other drivers :) Then the last problem today. We were all finished and on the bus and Joey was giving Blow Pops to kids on his crew. He was holding them somewhat out and a girl took one from him. He tells her a few times give it back or I'll break your wrist. I'm the next seat back watching this all unfold. He keeps trying to get it back and she is messing with him and doesn't give it to him.
I see him grab her wrist and twist a little and so I join in and tell him if he hurts her or leaves a bruise I will call the cops and he will be taken away to juvenile detention. He then proceeds to argue with me that she would go as well for stealing his sucker and I tell him no she would not but he would for leaving marks. He continues to argue with me (total disrespect) and I say fine call Ricky Scott (our police chief) when you get home and ask him. He did let go of the girls wrist as soon as I said something and she did give him his 10 cent sucker back. But he has been very disrespectful to me, in any interaction that we have had. So I'm done with Joey.
Also throughout the weeks I've told kids to watch their mouths because their is constant swearing on the buses. One day our tractor got back later and I had to sit towards the back of the bus and had to tell a 14 year boy to change the subject of this gross sexual story he was telling. I would say about 40% of the kids were good kids the others I was dumbfounded by their mouths which was full of swearing and talking about sex and most were 14 years old. I think Lisbon School needs to have some etiquette classes mandatory for these kids. It was as bad as what I thought it would be. I'm sure it was like this on the Mt.Vernon bus as well, but I rode on the bus mostly of Lisbon kids.
Now the last day: I thought I would be detasseling and not driving but Rawley didn't have enough drivers show up so, I drove and we finished checking the last 2 smaller fields on Sunday.
All in all for me it went well. Some days it was so hot and the whole bus smelled like B.O. and other days you brought home a pound of mud on yourself. It was a quick way to make cash and the work itself is not hard. The hardest part for me was getting up early and working out in the fresh air for 6-9 hours a day. The Sun is a killer and I preferred it being overcast and even raining on me as opposed to it being sunny and 83. But I made the money I needed to send Trevor to camp, have money for NYC and to go to Alabama to see my parents this January or February. I worked a total of 12 days and Trevor a total of 10 days.
As for next year Rawley wants me to return and I might just depending on a lot of things. But my first year of detasseling/driving a tractor was a success!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Bringing Up Girls Chapters 13 & 14
Sorry I know it has been awhile but hey I've been busy. So here is some more info. from Dr.Dobson's book Bringing Up Girls. I do recommend that if you have girls you check it out and read it and if you have boys you read Bringing Up Boys.
Chapter 13: Related Questions and Answers
This Chapter is filled with questions and answers. Questions like explaining how girls and women have such a big influence on men, same age co-ed sports, working or staying at home, child care facilities and what to be aware of, sleepovers, sex abuse, defiant child, etc. It was an interesting chapter.
Chapter 14: The River of Culture
Our culture today is like a powerful river that carries everything down stream. We must help protect and teach our children from being swept away by the current into unknown waters.
Some of these teaching of our culture as being "normal" not wrong are, early sexual experience is healthy, men and women are equal, modesty is old fashioned, homosexuality-bisexuality and heterosexuality are considered morally equivalent, romance has faded and men no longer have a reason to court women, shacking up or living in sin is the better way etc.
Dr. Dobson talks about two books that are must reads if you want to understand and protect your girls from those who would subvert their moral character. They are "A Return to Modesty", and "Girls Gone Mild" by Shalit and "Prude" by Liebau.
The rest of the chapter talks about things in this book and how the culture today is having a huge negative impact on our daughters.
Then it goes on about an assemble at a school to talk about Sex, Teens and Drugs. The speaker encourage students to have sex and also to use drugs appropriately. One girl stood up and told the speaker in front of all her peers how that he was wrong in saying these things. This girl was of course teased and bullied. Her parents went to the school administrators and board and they defended the speaker who told students to have sex and use drugs.
My note: As parents you NEED to know what is going on in your school district and what is being taught to your children. The public school system doesn't OWN your child/children you are in charge and therefore should be proactive in the school system. Having them taken out of assemblies or sex education classes that disagree with the Bible and how you have been teaching your children. I'm glad I do homeschool and I think the Lisbon School District may be glad that I homeschool. Beings that now from homeschooling I have learned a lot of the ins and outs of the public government run school system I would be a force that would be on them a lot! My children I call the shots!! Get involved if your kids are in public school and know what they are being taught. It's your job as they parent!
OK Done with my rampage :) Plus I know homeschooling is not for everyone and it is a decision you have to pray about. But if you are sending your children to public school please know what they are being taught.
Chapter 13: Related Questions and Answers
This Chapter is filled with questions and answers. Questions like explaining how girls and women have such a big influence on men, same age co-ed sports, working or staying at home, child care facilities and what to be aware of, sleepovers, sex abuse, defiant child, etc. It was an interesting chapter.
Chapter 14: The River of Culture
Our culture today is like a powerful river that carries everything down stream. We must help protect and teach our children from being swept away by the current into unknown waters.
Some of these teaching of our culture as being "normal" not wrong are, early sexual experience is healthy, men and women are equal, modesty is old fashioned, homosexuality-bisexuality and heterosexuality are considered morally equivalent, romance has faded and men no longer have a reason to court women, shacking up or living in sin is the better way etc.
Dr. Dobson talks about two books that are must reads if you want to understand and protect your girls from those who would subvert their moral character. They are "A Return to Modesty", and "Girls Gone Mild" by Shalit and "Prude" by Liebau.
The rest of the chapter talks about things in this book and how the culture today is having a huge negative impact on our daughters.
Then it goes on about an assemble at a school to talk about Sex, Teens and Drugs. The speaker encourage students to have sex and also to use drugs appropriately. One girl stood up and told the speaker in front of all her peers how that he was wrong in saying these things. This girl was of course teased and bullied. Her parents went to the school administrators and board and they defended the speaker who told students to have sex and use drugs.
My note: As parents you NEED to know what is going on in your school district and what is being taught to your children. The public school system doesn't OWN your child/children you are in charge and therefore should be proactive in the school system. Having them taken out of assemblies or sex education classes that disagree with the Bible and how you have been teaching your children. I'm glad I do homeschool and I think the Lisbon School District may be glad that I homeschool. Beings that now from homeschooling I have learned a lot of the ins and outs of the public government run school system I would be a force that would be on them a lot! My children I call the shots!! Get involved if your kids are in public school and know what they are being taught. It's your job as they parent!
OK Done with my rampage :) Plus I know homeschooling is not for everyone and it is a decision you have to pray about. But if you are sending your children to public school please know what they are being taught.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Chapters 11 & 12
Chapter 11 : Cinderella At The Ball
This chapter is dedicated to a Purity Ball. Randy and Lisa Wilson started these balls and they have had great impacts on fathers and daughters. The web site is www.generationsoflight.com. The Wilsons have been on the Today Show, ABC World News Tonight, Dr. Phil, Good Morning America, The View, The Tonight Show and The Tyra Banks Show. Articles about the Purity Ball have been published in Glamour, O, the Oprah Magazine, USA Today, Denver Post, Rocky Mountain News, New York Times and many others.
The father daughter Purity Ball is a ceremony for fathers to sign commitments to be responsible men of integrity in all areas of purity. The commitment also includes their vow to protect their daughters in their choices for purity.
In this chapter Dobson has an interview with Lisa and Randy about their lives and daughters and to the effects fathers have on their daughters choice to remain pure.
Chapter 12: The Obsession With Beauty
The chapter starts out by talking about little girls wanting to be princesses. And thanks to Walt Disney and movies like Cinderella, Snow White, Ariel, Pocahontas, Sleeping Beauty, etc. girls are taken in with the princess fantasy....but why??
1) Beauty: Every girl wants to be considered physically attractive.
2) Song: Every Disney Princess has a beautiful voice.
3) Beautiful Clothes: Princesses wear lovely gowns in bright colors and little girls love to mimic that attire. That's way they only make Cinderella's gown to sell and not her ripped, old cleaning clothes. Just go to a Disney Park and you can see all the dressed up Princesses.
4)Handsome Suitors: A princess is always pursued by an attractive male prospect, and he is usually a Prince.
5) Rags to riches: They may have different story lines but in the end they all end up in a castle with the man of their dreams and with riches galore. Not in a trailer park on food stamps (my side note).
6)Happily Ever After: This is true for every Disney Princess ,unfortunately not for the rest of us. We have to live in the real world full of sin, temptations, selfishness and we all have problems.
7) Dreams Coming True: A princess expresses her wishes and dreams early in the show and they always seem come true in the end.
The princess movement is good for many young girls/women. With all the other stuff going on in the media, fashion, and with celebrities they may like Disney princesses provide a safe haven for them. The princesses provide a model of purity until marriage, and modesty.
Dr. Dobson goes on to talk about all the backslash from the feminist movement. If you are a true feminist you should read this otherwise their ideas and thoughts are dumb and not worth me repeating :)
Dr. Dobson then moves into our culture and it's obsession with beauty. He wrote a book Building Confidence in Your Child and quotes some information from that. He talks about how body image and being beautiful are all around girls/young women. They see images everywhere which is telling them what they should look like. He also contrast that with the stories of Farrah Fawcett and how she died of cancer in 2009 and how the toll of this cancer had on her outside looks. Also of the story of Anna Nicole Smith who dies of a drug overdose in 2007. Extreme beauty can be a curse to those who are gifted with it and struggle dealing with the attention it gives them.
He ends the chapter with a story that led to the Dove campaign launch of Real Beauty in 2005. Senior Vice President of Dove said " By questioning the accepted definition of beauty, we hope to help women change the way they perceive their bodies and encourage them to feel beautiful every day."
This chapter is dedicated to a Purity Ball. Randy and Lisa Wilson started these balls and they have had great impacts on fathers and daughters. The web site is www.generationsoflight.com. The Wilsons have been on the Today Show, ABC World News Tonight, Dr. Phil, Good Morning America, The View, The Tonight Show and The Tyra Banks Show. Articles about the Purity Ball have been published in Glamour, O, the Oprah Magazine, USA Today, Denver Post, Rocky Mountain News, New York Times and many others.
The father daughter Purity Ball is a ceremony for fathers to sign commitments to be responsible men of integrity in all areas of purity. The commitment also includes their vow to protect their daughters in their choices for purity.
In this chapter Dobson has an interview with Lisa and Randy about their lives and daughters and to the effects fathers have on their daughters choice to remain pure.
Chapter 12: The Obsession With Beauty
The chapter starts out by talking about little girls wanting to be princesses. And thanks to Walt Disney and movies like Cinderella, Snow White, Ariel, Pocahontas, Sleeping Beauty, etc. girls are taken in with the princess fantasy....but why??
1) Beauty: Every girl wants to be considered physically attractive.
2) Song: Every Disney Princess has a beautiful voice.
3) Beautiful Clothes: Princesses wear lovely gowns in bright colors and little girls love to mimic that attire. That's way they only make Cinderella's gown to sell and not her ripped, old cleaning clothes. Just go to a Disney Park and you can see all the dressed up Princesses.
4)Handsome Suitors: A princess is always pursued by an attractive male prospect, and he is usually a Prince.
5) Rags to riches: They may have different story lines but in the end they all end up in a castle with the man of their dreams and with riches galore. Not in a trailer park on food stamps (my side note).
6)Happily Ever After: This is true for every Disney Princess ,unfortunately not for the rest of us. We have to live in the real world full of sin, temptations, selfishness and we all have problems.
7) Dreams Coming True: A princess expresses her wishes and dreams early in the show and they always seem come true in the end.
The princess movement is good for many young girls/women. With all the other stuff going on in the media, fashion, and with celebrities they may like Disney princesses provide a safe haven for them. The princesses provide a model of purity until marriage, and modesty.
Dr. Dobson goes on to talk about all the backslash from the feminist movement. If you are a true feminist you should read this otherwise their ideas and thoughts are dumb and not worth me repeating :)
Dr. Dobson then moves into our culture and it's obsession with beauty. He wrote a book Building Confidence in Your Child and quotes some information from that. He talks about how body image and being beautiful are all around girls/young women. They see images everywhere which is telling them what they should look like. He also contrast that with the stories of Farrah Fawcett and how she died of cancer in 2009 and how the toll of this cancer had on her outside looks. Also of the story of Anna Nicole Smith who dies of a drug overdose in 2007. Extreme beauty can be a curse to those who are gifted with it and struggle dealing with the attention it gives them.
He ends the chapter with a story that led to the Dove campaign launch of Real Beauty in 2005. Senior Vice President of Dove said " By questioning the accepted definition of beauty, we hope to help women change the way they perceive their bodies and encourage them to feel beautiful every day."
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Chapter 9 & 10
Chapter 9 Why Daddies Matter
OK, I'm back with it again, finding time to read :) There is a place in the female soul reserved for Daddy, or a daddy figure, that will always yearn for affirmation. Your daughter will adore her father if he loves and protects her and if she finds safety and warmth in his arms. The fawning attention of a father for his daughter prepares her for her uniquely feminine role as a girlfriend, fiancee and wife. If there is something lacking in your relationship with your father when you were a child, the development of your femininity suffered the most. There is a book called Always Daddy's Girl which addresses the matter of a woman's sense of identity.
Dr. Dobson recall things he did with both of his kids both good and not so good and of the good the cherish memories he has of fun times with each kid. Some years ago they asked radio listeners to call in a record a message for their dads. They had 600 people call in and of those messages not one of them focused on the fathers profession, money that he made, a big house, expensive cars etc. Instead it was thanks for loving me, being there for me, and supporting me.
Dobson includes two sad stories of daughters and their relationships with their fathers.
In general the family dynamics for a man goes as follows: first it is his wife. The man needs to meet the needs of his wife. Next is the sons. Fathers need to teach their boys how to be men. So usually daughters end up third in line for daddy's attention. Men sometimes see this yearning from their daughters for attention and view it as woman's work or the mother's job.
Dobson offers three different ways for father's to make the connection with their daughters 1-Conversation: Spend time talking with them. Girls and women connect emotionally through spoken word. Girls feel abandoned by fathers who won't engage them verbally. Next is Touch: daughters need touch or hugs very day from their daddies. However sometimes when a girl reaches puberty father's have a hard time giving those hugs. During puberty your daughters are going through times of insecurity and they desperately need you and your hugs. The final suggestion is spend one on one time with your daughters. Go to the park, a bike ride, dinner, ice cream or whatever but spend time with them.
Chapter 10 : Fathers To Daughters
This Chapter is full of proverbs written by Harry Harrison called "Father to Daughter: Life Lessons on Raising a Girl. There are many pages of these proverbs I will share with you just a few.
Take part in her life now. Don't wait until she is 15 to try and develop a relationship.
Her mom will show her how to bake cookies. You show her how to dunk them.
Be prepared to watch Disney movies with her some 200 times. Each.
Never, ever make fun of her.
Make her a Valentine's day card, every year.
Ask her about her day-everyday.
Never laugh at her dreams.
Make sure she can reach you 24 hours a day.
You will have to teach her how to drive...without making her cry.
Don't let her moods or anger push you away. She needs you now more than ever.
There are many many other great proverbs listed in this chapter.
OK, I'm back with it again, finding time to read :) There is a place in the female soul reserved for Daddy, or a daddy figure, that will always yearn for affirmation. Your daughter will adore her father if he loves and protects her and if she finds safety and warmth in his arms. The fawning attention of a father for his daughter prepares her for her uniquely feminine role as a girlfriend, fiancee and wife. If there is something lacking in your relationship with your father when you were a child, the development of your femininity suffered the most. There is a book called Always Daddy's Girl which addresses the matter of a woman's sense of identity.
Dr. Dobson recall things he did with both of his kids both good and not so good and of the good the cherish memories he has of fun times with each kid. Some years ago they asked radio listeners to call in a record a message for their dads. They had 600 people call in and of those messages not one of them focused on the fathers profession, money that he made, a big house, expensive cars etc. Instead it was thanks for loving me, being there for me, and supporting me.
Dobson includes two sad stories of daughters and their relationships with their fathers.
In general the family dynamics for a man goes as follows: first it is his wife. The man needs to meet the needs of his wife. Next is the sons. Fathers need to teach their boys how to be men. So usually daughters end up third in line for daddy's attention. Men sometimes see this yearning from their daughters for attention and view it as woman's work or the mother's job.
Dobson offers three different ways for father's to make the connection with their daughters 1-Conversation: Spend time talking with them. Girls and women connect emotionally through spoken word. Girls feel abandoned by fathers who won't engage them verbally. Next is Touch: daughters need touch or hugs very day from their daddies. However sometimes when a girl reaches puberty father's have a hard time giving those hugs. During puberty your daughters are going through times of insecurity and they desperately need you and your hugs. The final suggestion is spend one on one time with your daughters. Go to the park, a bike ride, dinner, ice cream or whatever but spend time with them.
Chapter 10 : Fathers To Daughters
This Chapter is full of proverbs written by Harry Harrison called "Father to Daughter: Life Lessons on Raising a Girl. There are many pages of these proverbs I will share with you just a few.
Take part in her life now. Don't wait until she is 15 to try and develop a relationship.
Her mom will show her how to bake cookies. You show her how to dunk them.
Be prepared to watch Disney movies with her some 200 times. Each.
Never, ever make fun of her.
Make her a Valentine's day card, every year.
Ask her about her day-everyday.
Never laugh at her dreams.
Make sure she can reach you 24 hours a day.
You will have to teach her how to drive...without making her cry.
Don't let her moods or anger push you away. She needs you now more than ever.
There are many many other great proverbs listed in this chapter.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Memorial Day memories
I asked Darryl if he remembered what happened 21 years ago this weekend and also 20 years ago this weekend. I was surprised that he did.
21 years ago on this weekend Vernon and Betty Studt invited my parents to come out to Darryl's cabin in Ivanhoe to celebrate the holiday. At this point I just finished up my junior year of high school and don't remember if I really wanted to go but did. We get down there and to my surprise Darryl was lookin' good. I didn't remember him from living in Lisbon because I was so young when we lived here and he was starting his teen years. But he had his girlfriend Charlie down there and I was dating a guy from work at the time.
Then a year later and all had changed. Pat and I had broke up and so when the invite came to go visit the Studt's again, I thought I would go with my mom and dad to see if Darryl was still with Charlie or not. I head to Mt.Vernon and found out that he too was single. Now I had just graduated from high school and Darryl was celebrating 10 years out of high school. My gosh I was young! It was a fun day and I invited Darryl to graduation party happening sometime later that week.
He did show up and then we dated for a year and a half and were engaged for a year and a half.
And so on this weekend 20 years ago I met my husband. Wow how time flies!!
21 years ago on this weekend Vernon and Betty Studt invited my parents to come out to Darryl's cabin in Ivanhoe to celebrate the holiday. At this point I just finished up my junior year of high school and don't remember if I really wanted to go but did. We get down there and to my surprise Darryl was lookin' good. I didn't remember him from living in Lisbon because I was so young when we lived here and he was starting his teen years. But he had his girlfriend Charlie down there and I was dating a guy from work at the time.
Then a year later and all had changed. Pat and I had broke up and so when the invite came to go visit the Studt's again, I thought I would go with my mom and dad to see if Darryl was still with Charlie or not. I head to Mt.Vernon and found out that he too was single. Now I had just graduated from high school and Darryl was celebrating 10 years out of high school. My gosh I was young! It was a fun day and I invited Darryl to graduation party happening sometime later that week.
He did show up and then we dated for a year and a half and were engaged for a year and a half.
And so on this weekend 20 years ago I met my husband. Wow how time flies!!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Bringing Up Girls Chapters 7 & 8
Chapter 7: Girls and Their Mothers
He opens by telling a story of a 7 yr. old strong-willed girl Hannah. Her and her mom were having a bad day when Hannah said "You know, Mom, this just isn't working out. I want a new mother."
Her mom told her that she could arrange that and that she of someone who would love to have another child. She went to the phone pretended to dial and talk and ask this fake person if they would like another child. Hannah's bluff backfired as she immediately ran to her mom and said "No no,no, Mom! Let's give it another shot."
As moms we need to stay in touch with our daughters emotionally. You have to hang in there until the upheaval passes. Your child's successes or failures in many life's endeavors will depend on the quality of the relationships you share during their childhood years.
The attachment theory: He talks about neurology stuff similar to Chapter 4 and then adds more on to it. Then he goes on saying how your baby needs you to look at her, and talking to her. If this doesn't happen in the early years children will have problems later on in life. It has been demonstrated that the failure of mothers and babies to attach is linked directly to physical and mental illness of all types.
So the opposite happens when the mother is nurturing, loving and a part of her babies life. She will talk to the baby , comfort them, nurse them, sing to them etc. From this the bond begins to form. It will establish a foundation for all that lies ahead.
Moms, you provide the cornerstone of healthy child development.
The establishment of attachment between generations is made much more difficult for boys and girls because of dramatic changes in our culture. Before the Industrial revolution, father and mothers worked side by side on farms or in family-owned businesses. They raised their children together, and except for men in the military or those who sailed the seas, most dads lived and worked close to home. Just as Joseph was a carpenter so was Jesus (Mark 6:3 & Matt. 13:55). We assume that Mary was a full time homemaker living nearby. That family home structure is now rarely seen. Only in the last 100 years have fathers left home all day to make a living. Now approximately 51% of mothers are also employed full-time in the workforce. Plus most children now a days are taught for 8 hours by men/women other then their parents. Unless you choose to homeschool you are not able to spend all day everyday with your children as it once was.
For women there is enormous pressure to "go back to work". Only about 42% of mothers take off 3 months after giving birth. Many return within a month or six weeks. I would recommend that mothers take at least a year off birth to heal, bond and establish a family routine.
He goes on to talk more about the working outside the home and your heart wanting to be at home internal conflict that many women go through.
Chapter 8: Young Women Talk About Their Fathers
This Chapter and next have to deal with fathers. It was very interesting and it made me cry in different places. It will be hard to say everything these young ladies said but I will try to give highlights of both positive and negatives.
Dr. Dobson held a get together with young ladies at college age to help him with writing this book. He told them that he had heard this comment given many times by young ladies "My father is a good man. He worked hard to earn a living for our family, and he's been faithful to my mother (others said just the opposite). Still, I never that he really admired or wanted to be close to me. He was very, very, very busy doing what he did, but he didn't have time for me. I felt like I was just there around the house, but he often didn't even seem to notice me."
Then Dr. Dobson asked the young ladies in the group....Was this something that others of you have also experienced?
Girl #1 What you just said, Dr. Dobson, describes exactly what I feel. And I've heard it from so many of my friends. In fact, our greatest uneasiness about getting married is the fear that our future husbands will not be affirming and caring.
Girl #2 It is essential that girls get affirmation from their dads. I didn't receive that and it is the foundation of all my insecurities.
Girl #3 My dad was a good father but he compared me to girls in the media and complained that I didn't look like them. He told me that I didn't work out enough, he would also call attention to what I would eat. So I was not a full-fledged anorexic, I guess, but I worked out all the time, and sometime wouldn't eat anything.
Then other girls told of struggles they have because of their relationships with their fathers.
Girl #6 My father was not like that. He told my sister and me that it was inner beauty that mattered. He would also tell us how beautiful we were on the outside. That's what got me through junior high and high school.
Girl #7 I've had such a different experience, and I realize that much of who I am is because of the affirmation I received growing up. One of the things that I love to hear is when my family says, "Oh you look cute." My dad told me that all the time, and it has just meant so much coming from my own father.
Girl #10 Just recently I received a valentine's e-mail from my father. It was the first card or e-mail he has sent me since I was 7 years old, and it meant the world to me.
It goes on for a few more pages with young ladies sharing the good and not so good relationships that they had with their fathers.
So I guess it makes you think to what kind of relationship did your dad have with you and what kind of relationship does your husband have with your daughter.
I told Darryl that I wanted him to read this chapter and the next one which is Why Daddies Matter. Because I was a daughter and I am a women I can help him out in anything I see with ways he is building his relationship with our daughter. Just as he can feel free to make suggestions to me as a mother to our son and what he may need from me if I'm missing giving him something. Think and pray about it and act on what God is showing you to do to make you and your husband have a wonderful relationship with your daughter.
He opens by telling a story of a 7 yr. old strong-willed girl Hannah. Her and her mom were having a bad day when Hannah said "You know, Mom, this just isn't working out. I want a new mother."
Her mom told her that she could arrange that and that she of someone who would love to have another child. She went to the phone pretended to dial and talk and ask this fake person if they would like another child. Hannah's bluff backfired as she immediately ran to her mom and said "No no,no, Mom! Let's give it another shot."
As moms we need to stay in touch with our daughters emotionally. You have to hang in there until the upheaval passes. Your child's successes or failures in many life's endeavors will depend on the quality of the relationships you share during their childhood years.
The attachment theory: He talks about neurology stuff similar to Chapter 4 and then adds more on to it. Then he goes on saying how your baby needs you to look at her, and talking to her. If this doesn't happen in the early years children will have problems later on in life. It has been demonstrated that the failure of mothers and babies to attach is linked directly to physical and mental illness of all types.
So the opposite happens when the mother is nurturing, loving and a part of her babies life. She will talk to the baby , comfort them, nurse them, sing to them etc. From this the bond begins to form. It will establish a foundation for all that lies ahead.
Moms, you provide the cornerstone of healthy child development.
The establishment of attachment between generations is made much more difficult for boys and girls because of dramatic changes in our culture. Before the Industrial revolution, father and mothers worked side by side on farms or in family-owned businesses. They raised their children together, and except for men in the military or those who sailed the seas, most dads lived and worked close to home. Just as Joseph was a carpenter so was Jesus (Mark 6:3 & Matt. 13:55). We assume that Mary was a full time homemaker living nearby. That family home structure is now rarely seen. Only in the last 100 years have fathers left home all day to make a living. Now approximately 51% of mothers are also employed full-time in the workforce. Plus most children now a days are taught for 8 hours by men/women other then their parents. Unless you choose to homeschool you are not able to spend all day everyday with your children as it once was.
For women there is enormous pressure to "go back to work". Only about 42% of mothers take off 3 months after giving birth. Many return within a month or six weeks. I would recommend that mothers take at least a year off birth to heal, bond and establish a family routine.
He goes on to talk more about the working outside the home and your heart wanting to be at home internal conflict that many women go through.
Chapter 8: Young Women Talk About Their Fathers
This Chapter and next have to deal with fathers. It was very interesting and it made me cry in different places. It will be hard to say everything these young ladies said but I will try to give highlights of both positive and negatives.
Dr. Dobson held a get together with young ladies at college age to help him with writing this book. He told them that he had heard this comment given many times by young ladies "My father is a good man. He worked hard to earn a living for our family, and he's been faithful to my mother (others said just the opposite). Still, I never that he really admired or wanted to be close to me. He was very, very, very busy doing what he did, but he didn't have time for me. I felt like I was just there around the house, but he often didn't even seem to notice me."
Then Dr. Dobson asked the young ladies in the group....Was this something that others of you have also experienced?
Girl #1 What you just said, Dr. Dobson, describes exactly what I feel. And I've heard it from so many of my friends. In fact, our greatest uneasiness about getting married is the fear that our future husbands will not be affirming and caring.
Girl #2 It is essential that girls get affirmation from their dads. I didn't receive that and it is the foundation of all my insecurities.
Girl #3 My dad was a good father but he compared me to girls in the media and complained that I didn't look like them. He told me that I didn't work out enough, he would also call attention to what I would eat. So I was not a full-fledged anorexic, I guess, but I worked out all the time, and sometime wouldn't eat anything.
Then other girls told of struggles they have because of their relationships with their fathers.
Girl #6 My father was not like that. He told my sister and me that it was inner beauty that mattered. He would also tell us how beautiful we were on the outside. That's what got me through junior high and high school.
Girl #7 I've had such a different experience, and I realize that much of who I am is because of the affirmation I received growing up. One of the things that I love to hear is when my family says, "Oh you look cute." My dad told me that all the time, and it has just meant so much coming from my own father.
Girl #10 Just recently I received a valentine's e-mail from my father. It was the first card or e-mail he has sent me since I was 7 years old, and it meant the world to me.
It goes on for a few more pages with young ladies sharing the good and not so good relationships that they had with their fathers.
So I guess it makes you think to what kind of relationship did your dad have with you and what kind of relationship does your husband have with your daughter.
I told Darryl that I wanted him to read this chapter and the next one which is Why Daddies Matter. Because I was a daughter and I am a women I can help him out in anything I see with ways he is building his relationship with our daughter. Just as he can feel free to make suggestions to me as a mother to our son and what he may need from me if I'm missing giving him something. Think and pray about it and act on what God is showing you to do to make you and your husband have a wonderful relationship with your daughter.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Bringing Up Girls Chapters 5 & 6
As I sit here at the computer with my Chai Latte in my CBC mug I will try to go over Chapters 5 & 6 of Dr. Dobson's book. It hits home to me and thing I've compromised just because I'm a women and can do it myself. But you do miss out on the little things so here goes......
Chapter 5: Teaching Girls to be Ladies
Dr. Dobson starts out by getting into our 2nd President of the US John Adams and puts in a quote on manners from an autobiography. The language is different from ours today but it was still good. It is too long for me to re-type but I will quote the last paragraph. "The foundations of national Morality must be laid in private Families. In vain are Schools, Academics and universities instituted if loose Principles and licentious habits are impressed upon Children in their earliest years. The Mothers are the earliest and most important Instructors of youth.
I find this quote to be so good and insightful for way back when. I can't imagine what President Adams would think of our school systems today and what is taught and how low morals have gotten. You have to be pretty involved and on the stricter side as a mom to lay down the Moral foundation that President Adams is talking of.
Dr. Dobson says if we choose evil, there will be no stopping us. In short, our national sovereignty depends on the transmission of the nation's morals and manners to children, and that task should begin in the nursery.
In today's culture young girls are often allowed, and even encouraged, to be brash, rude, crude, profane, immodest, immoral, loud and aggressive. He feels this is because way too many parents have become far too distracted, overworked and stressed out to care to much about teaching morals and manners to children. A quote from Fred Astaire " The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any."
So once again to moms out there it is your job to acculturate your daughters and help them become ladies. Our daughters should be taught how to eat, talk, walk, dress, converse on the telephone, and respond to adults with respect and poise. As parents we should demonstrate good posture and table manners for them, such as putting a napkin in the lap, showing them where to place silverware, and not talking with food in their mouths. They should also explain that burping, gobbling food and picking teeth are rude. He also believes that you should require your kids to say please and thank you. We also need to teach techniques of personal grooming, hygiene and nutrition.
Dr. Dobson then talks about some ways to role play on teaching your children communication skills.
He then talks about some different etiquette businesses around (so sad that we send our girls to learn etiquette when it is our job to teach them at home-side note by me) and a book called 365 Manners Kids Should Know by Sheryl Eberly. His wife Shirley would have elaborate tea parties with their daughter Danae to help teach good etiquette. Danae loved them and they would invite others from the neighborhood to join them. Another source is the book Everyday Graces: A Child's Book of Good Manners by Karen Santorum. She is a mother of 8 and a homeschool mom whose husband is former Senator Rick Santorum of Penn.
As moms we need to also teach out daughters how to be treated on a date. If a guy wants to date your daughter and he comes to pick her up and honks for her to come out, as a dad go out and tell him to continue on his way. Don't let your daughter be treated in that manner. The date needs to open the door for her, take her somewhere nice to eat, pay for the bill and then take her home and not expect anything in return. We need to not only teach our son's that this is how you treat a lady but need to train our daughters that this is the respect you deserve. Why is this disrespect allowed to go on today in our society because girls tolerate it.
Side note from me I was taught on how I should be treated on a date and didn't pay for it and the guy did have to come up to the house and open my car door etc. I told Darryl last night that we need to be doing that more. Sometimes he does open the door sometimes not. When we go to a fast food restaurant I usually do the ordering and he now needs to. Just little things like that, that the kids see and so we need to set a better example for Trevor on how to treat a lady even after he has been married 17 years and for Alivia on how she should be treated even after being married for 17 years.
It comes down to this: the relationship between a man and women throughout their lives together, if indeed they do marry, will reflect the ground rules set by the women when they are courting. She can change him then, but probably not after.
We also need to teach our girls strong biblical foundation from which morals and virtues can evolve.
Chapter 6 : Embarrassing The Angels
He starts out with talking about a author, lecturer and columnist for the Wall Street Journal Peggy Noonan. She had wrote a piece about on what it means to be a lady that made he stand up and cheer. In that piece so goes on to describe if you are a chosen women at airport security to be checked and that 50 years ago it would have been considered second-degree assault. She tells step by step the awful thing she had to endure.
This chapter is about what Peggy wrote and her experience with airport security. Dobson does end the chapter by saying that parents need to work diligently to teach, shape, and form the character of their daughters. And that if MTV, Hollywood and pop music industry, and peers have their way with your girls, they are likely to curse, dress provocatively, behave like uncultured and uncouth waifs and have no sense of personal dignity. Remember mom you are the keeper of the keys at home. Teach your girls to be ladies.
Chapter 5: Teaching Girls to be Ladies
Dr. Dobson starts out by getting into our 2nd President of the US John Adams and puts in a quote on manners from an autobiography. The language is different from ours today but it was still good. It is too long for me to re-type but I will quote the last paragraph. "The foundations of national Morality must be laid in private Families. In vain are Schools, Academics and universities instituted if loose Principles and licentious habits are impressed upon Children in their earliest years. The Mothers are the earliest and most important Instructors of youth.
I find this quote to be so good and insightful for way back when. I can't imagine what President Adams would think of our school systems today and what is taught and how low morals have gotten. You have to be pretty involved and on the stricter side as a mom to lay down the Moral foundation that President Adams is talking of.
Dr. Dobson says if we choose evil, there will be no stopping us. In short, our national sovereignty depends on the transmission of the nation's morals and manners to children, and that task should begin in the nursery.
In today's culture young girls are often allowed, and even encouraged, to be brash, rude, crude, profane, immodest, immoral, loud and aggressive. He feels this is because way too many parents have become far too distracted, overworked and stressed out to care to much about teaching morals and manners to children. A quote from Fred Astaire " The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any."
So once again to moms out there it is your job to acculturate your daughters and help them become ladies. Our daughters should be taught how to eat, talk, walk, dress, converse on the telephone, and respond to adults with respect and poise. As parents we should demonstrate good posture and table manners for them, such as putting a napkin in the lap, showing them where to place silverware, and not talking with food in their mouths. They should also explain that burping, gobbling food and picking teeth are rude. He also believes that you should require your kids to say please and thank you. We also need to teach techniques of personal grooming, hygiene and nutrition.
Dr. Dobson then talks about some ways to role play on teaching your children communication skills.
He then talks about some different etiquette businesses around (so sad that we send our girls to learn etiquette when it is our job to teach them at home-side note by me) and a book called 365 Manners Kids Should Know by Sheryl Eberly. His wife Shirley would have elaborate tea parties with their daughter Danae to help teach good etiquette. Danae loved them and they would invite others from the neighborhood to join them. Another source is the book Everyday Graces: A Child's Book of Good Manners by Karen Santorum. She is a mother of 8 and a homeschool mom whose husband is former Senator Rick Santorum of Penn.
As moms we need to also teach out daughters how to be treated on a date. If a guy wants to date your daughter and he comes to pick her up and honks for her to come out, as a dad go out and tell him to continue on his way. Don't let your daughter be treated in that manner. The date needs to open the door for her, take her somewhere nice to eat, pay for the bill and then take her home and not expect anything in return. We need to not only teach our son's that this is how you treat a lady but need to train our daughters that this is the respect you deserve. Why is this disrespect allowed to go on today in our society because girls tolerate it.
Side note from me I was taught on how I should be treated on a date and didn't pay for it and the guy did have to come up to the house and open my car door etc. I told Darryl last night that we need to be doing that more. Sometimes he does open the door sometimes not. When we go to a fast food restaurant I usually do the ordering and he now needs to. Just little things like that, that the kids see and so we need to set a better example for Trevor on how to treat a lady even after he has been married 17 years and for Alivia on how she should be treated even after being married for 17 years.
It comes down to this: the relationship between a man and women throughout their lives together, if indeed they do marry, will reflect the ground rules set by the women when they are courting. She can change him then, but probably not after.
We also need to teach our girls strong biblical foundation from which morals and virtues can evolve.
Chapter 6 : Embarrassing The Angels
He starts out with talking about a author, lecturer and columnist for the Wall Street Journal Peggy Noonan. She had wrote a piece about on what it means to be a lady that made he stand up and cheer. In that piece so goes on to describe if you are a chosen women at airport security to be checked and that 50 years ago it would have been considered second-degree assault. She tells step by step the awful thing she had to endure.
This chapter is about what Peggy wrote and her experience with airport security. Dobson does end the chapter by saying that parents need to work diligently to teach, shape, and form the character of their daughters. And that if MTV, Hollywood and pop music industry, and peers have their way with your girls, they are likely to curse, dress provocatively, behave like uncultured and uncouth waifs and have no sense of personal dignity. Remember mom you are the keeper of the keys at home. Teach your girls to be ladies.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Bringing up Girls Chapters 3 & 4
Chapter 3: The Fair Sex
Dr. Dobson talks about a long car trip they took as a family. One of the times they were re-fueling a stray dog came wondering over. Danae gave it much attention and begged to be able to keep the dog that had no home. Even as the dog was chasing their car as they drove off she had many many tears and pleaded with me to go back and get the dog. But we could not take the dog.
Girls are compassionate and have gentle temperaments yet can also be catty, rebellious and downright brutal to peers.
He talks about a study he did for another book of his called "What wives wish their husbands knew about women". Side note maybe we should try to get our husband involved in a study on this book :) Anyway he did a survey about depression. He found that the most common source of depression among these women was low self-esteem. More then 50% listed it as the number 1 source, and 80% put it in there top 5.
He talks about Chris Evert-tennis star, Madonna-singer, Oprah Winfrey, and Melissa Gilbert all very successful women and there struggle with low self-esteem and feeling of importance outside of their jobs.
He believes there are ways to instill a strong self-esteem in our daughters. It begins within the security of a loving family. Specifically it depends on a caring and affirming father. He lets us know about a book "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" and quotes some info from that book. I think I will find this for Darryl to read along with this chapter about a dad's role.
Dad's can do this by telling their daughters that they are pretty, hugging her, and compliment her. Build her confidence by giving her your time and attention. Defend her when she is struggling. And let her know she has a place in your heart that is reserved only for her.
He then talks about leaving a job he had in order to be at home more to be able and spend time with his family and how God has blessed him in making that decision.
Chapter 4: Why She Is Who She Is
Here he gets into the development in the womb and how from common test today like MRI, CAT and PET there is a definite difference between the sexes and this whole unisex movement was so wrong. He quotes information from two books The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine and The Wonder of Girls by Michael Gurian.
Both brains of the female and male appear to be the same until the eighth week of pregnancy when the male brain is washed by a huge surge of testosterone. This male sex hormone kills some of the communication cells. And in girls between 3-6 months of age experience "juvenile puberty". Their tiny ovaries start producing adult doses of estrogen. This estrogenic bath will continue until girls are about 3 years old.
So in all females are finely tuned machines that operate according to fixed timetables.
Dr. Dobson goes on and talks more about the brain functions of boys and girls and how different they are which is why we are so different. Females because of this difference need to talk. Especially about what they are feeling. So busy moms and dads who are too exhausted at the end of your day to talk with your daughters no matter what the age need to make time at the dinner table or before they go to bed. it is imperative that you tune in to your kids - especially your girls.
Dr. Dobson talks about a long car trip they took as a family. One of the times they were re-fueling a stray dog came wondering over. Danae gave it much attention and begged to be able to keep the dog that had no home. Even as the dog was chasing their car as they drove off she had many many tears and pleaded with me to go back and get the dog. But we could not take the dog.
Girls are compassionate and have gentle temperaments yet can also be catty, rebellious and downright brutal to peers.
He talks about a study he did for another book of his called "What wives wish their husbands knew about women". Side note maybe we should try to get our husband involved in a study on this book :) Anyway he did a survey about depression. He found that the most common source of depression among these women was low self-esteem. More then 50% listed it as the number 1 source, and 80% put it in there top 5.
He talks about Chris Evert-tennis star, Madonna-singer, Oprah Winfrey, and Melissa Gilbert all very successful women and there struggle with low self-esteem and feeling of importance outside of their jobs.
He believes there are ways to instill a strong self-esteem in our daughters. It begins within the security of a loving family. Specifically it depends on a caring and affirming father. He lets us know about a book "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" and quotes some info from that book. I think I will find this for Darryl to read along with this chapter about a dad's role.
Dad's can do this by telling their daughters that they are pretty, hugging her, and compliment her. Build her confidence by giving her your time and attention. Defend her when she is struggling. And let her know she has a place in your heart that is reserved only for her.
He then talks about leaving a job he had in order to be at home more to be able and spend time with his family and how God has blessed him in making that decision.
Chapter 4: Why She Is Who She Is
Here he gets into the development in the womb and how from common test today like MRI, CAT and PET there is a definite difference between the sexes and this whole unisex movement was so wrong. He quotes information from two books The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine and The Wonder of Girls by Michael Gurian.
Both brains of the female and male appear to be the same until the eighth week of pregnancy when the male brain is washed by a huge surge of testosterone. This male sex hormone kills some of the communication cells. And in girls between 3-6 months of age experience "juvenile puberty". Their tiny ovaries start producing adult doses of estrogen. This estrogenic bath will continue until girls are about 3 years old.
So in all females are finely tuned machines that operate according to fixed timetables.
Dr. Dobson goes on and talks more about the brain functions of boys and girls and how different they are which is why we are so different. Females because of this difference need to talk. Especially about what they are feeling. So busy moms and dads who are too exhausted at the end of your day to talk with your daughters no matter what the age need to make time at the dinner table or before they go to bed. it is imperative that you tune in to your kids - especially your girls.
Bringing Up Girls
This is a new book out by Dr. James Dobson. Many have read Bringing Up Boys by him and if you have not and you have boys I would highly recommend. It is a great book for couples but will be very helpful if you are a single parent. I may re-read it and do a commentary on it.
Chapter 1: The Wonderful World of Girls
Dr. Dobson shares some letters he received from girls about writing a Bringing up Girls book and other stuff he had written that girls were not happy about. So there are some funny letters. He also quotes King Solomon in Proverbs 22:6 and Paul in Ephesians 6:4. Which are to Train up a child...and Fathers don't exasperate...
We need to be teaching our girls to be modest, have morals and have manners. He talks about his love for his little girl Danae now all grown up.
Chapter 2 : Girls in Peril
This chapter starts out by telling us info. from his Bringing Up Boys book which states that boys are more likely to have learning disabilities, to be drug addicts, and to be emotionally disturbed.
They are at greater risk for schizophrenia, autism, sexual addiction, alcoholism, to commit murder, to die in a car accident, etc.
Girls on the other hand do much better in education and in graduating from high school and college. Where they do have problems is emotionally and physically. Girls today are under much more pressure then we were as kids/teens/adults. Eating disorders are starting earlier and are at an all time high. Now a days it starts at ages 5 and 6 with body image issues. 40% of 9 and 10 year old have attempted to lose weight. And by the time they are 15 more then 60% of girls will have used harmful substances and other methods to lose weight.
The next problem we are seeing in middle and high school girls is cutting, self mutilating, and piercing many parts of their bodies.
They are looking at "bad girls" such as Brittney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan etc. as role models.
A growing number of girls more then boys are binge drinking and when you drink that much you do things that normally you would not do. There is also a higher number of younger girls that are involved in sex for hire and they tend to be girls from a middle class family.
Dobson also includes some articles that others have wrote related to raising girls today.
Some of the bad influences on our girls is MTV, the Internet, hip-hop, some public schools, liberal Universities, and other institutions that are warping our young women.
There is also the problem of children who are lonely. Their parents are gone much of the time leaving them to fend for themselves. Or their parents are overworked, distracted, exhausted and uninvolved. Human beings desperately need each other. Lonely children will get into trouble.
Now this next bit of info. shocked me and my mouth is still on the ground as I can hardly believe it. It is shown that a few years back $1.6 million dollars was spent on thong underwear for 7-12 year old girls. What is wrong with these parents and/or mothers. I still am in shock as I write this that a mom would buy her 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 or 12 year old thong underwear!!! If at this age your daughter needs or wants a thong to feel pretty or sexy then you have a MAJOR problem on your hands and need to seek help ASAP!!!
Dr. Dobson ends this chapter with you the parents can provide the care and guidance that is needed in raising girls in today's world.
Chapter 1: The Wonderful World of Girls
Dr. Dobson shares some letters he received from girls about writing a Bringing up Girls book and other stuff he had written that girls were not happy about. So there are some funny letters. He also quotes King Solomon in Proverbs 22:6 and Paul in Ephesians 6:4. Which are to Train up a child...and Fathers don't exasperate...
We need to be teaching our girls to be modest, have morals and have manners. He talks about his love for his little girl Danae now all grown up.
Chapter 2 : Girls in Peril
This chapter starts out by telling us info. from his Bringing Up Boys book which states that boys are more likely to have learning disabilities, to be drug addicts, and to be emotionally disturbed.
They are at greater risk for schizophrenia, autism, sexual addiction, alcoholism, to commit murder, to die in a car accident, etc.
Girls on the other hand do much better in education and in graduating from high school and college. Where they do have problems is emotionally and physically. Girls today are under much more pressure then we were as kids/teens/adults. Eating disorders are starting earlier and are at an all time high. Now a days it starts at ages 5 and 6 with body image issues. 40% of 9 and 10 year old have attempted to lose weight. And by the time they are 15 more then 60% of girls will have used harmful substances and other methods to lose weight.
The next problem we are seeing in middle and high school girls is cutting, self mutilating, and piercing many parts of their bodies.
They are looking at "bad girls" such as Brittney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan etc. as role models.
A growing number of girls more then boys are binge drinking and when you drink that much you do things that normally you would not do. There is also a higher number of younger girls that are involved in sex for hire and they tend to be girls from a middle class family.
Dobson also includes some articles that others have wrote related to raising girls today.
Some of the bad influences on our girls is MTV, the Internet, hip-hop, some public schools, liberal Universities, and other institutions that are warping our young women.
There is also the problem of children who are lonely. Their parents are gone much of the time leaving them to fend for themselves. Or their parents are overworked, distracted, exhausted and uninvolved. Human beings desperately need each other. Lonely children will get into trouble.
Now this next bit of info. shocked me and my mouth is still on the ground as I can hardly believe it. It is shown that a few years back $1.6 million dollars was spent on thong underwear for 7-12 year old girls. What is wrong with these parents and/or mothers. I still am in shock as I write this that a mom would buy her 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 or 12 year old thong underwear!!! If at this age your daughter needs or wants a thong to feel pretty or sexy then you have a MAJOR problem on your hands and need to seek help ASAP!!!
Dr. Dobson ends this chapter with you the parents can provide the care and guidance that is needed in raising girls in today's world.
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