In their email to me, his parents call him "The Laziest Kid in America." The child in question, a third grader, hides his clothes rather than put them away properly (in truth, hiding them probably takes more effort), would sometimes rather poop in his britches than stop what he's doing and go to the bathroom, forgets to bring work to or from school almost daily, and is nasty to his parents when they don't give him his way. He's bright but his grades suffer because he doesn't do his work.
His mother says that he would love being confined to his room with books only because then he could be lazy all day, every day. He is currently on restriction with no after-school activities but doesn't seem to care. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this story, etcetera.
This little guy is proof of the fact that of all the species on the planet, only humans have the capacity to act deliberately in ways that are clearly contrary to their best interests. He is also a living example of another, related, aspect of human nature: proper consequences do not always produce proper behavior. Thus, the battle-cry of many a teenager: "I don't care what you do to me!"
Obviously, these parents are not in denial concerning their son's problems. They are not enablers. They have punished him appropriately for his irresponsibility. Under the circumstances, his stubborn laziness can be regarded as a clever form of defiance. Without being assertive, he is nonetheless asserting that no one has authority over him; that no one can tell The Almighty Him what to do. The fact that his defiance is not outwardly defiant is what makes it so "slippery" and therefore so frustrating. Most definitely, only an equally clever and slippery response will do, one that transfers frustration from parents to child. Another way of saying this: At the present time, the monkey of the problem is on the parents' backs. This child will not learn to tame his monkey until it's riding his back.
A home visit from my old friend "The Doctor" is in order. I advised the parents to sit down with TLKIA and tell him they had spoken to a doctor about his problems, which they have now put in list form and affixed to the door of the refrigerator. The Doctor says that his problems are all symptoms of sleep deprivation. Some children need more sleep than others, he says. Some children have a very, very difficult time getting enough sleep, he says. These sleepy children do things like poop in their pants and forget school work. The Doctor says sleep-deprived children often talk-back at their parents, back-talk being the sort of thing sleepy people do without thinking. Interestingly enough, sleep-deprived kids are usually smart kids. The better the brain works, the more sleep a person needs.
The Doctor, after careful consideration, has said that this child must go to bed every night, seven days a week, lights out, at 6:30 in the evening until everything on the list has completely disappeared for one month. During this time, he cannot watch television, use a computer, or participate in any after-school activity. So, if every symptom of sleep-deprivation disappears for three weeks and then TLKIA hides his clothes instead of putting them away, the month starts over again. The perceptive reader may correctly surmise that this could take quite some time. That's true, but then this problem didn't develop overnight. I sense, furthermore, that these parents are just the people for the job.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
The life of Shannon in small town Lisbon.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Meloncholy Boy & Bragging Parent
One of the defining beliefs of this technological age is that with enough ingenuity and perseverance, any problem can be solved. It's a mis-belief, actually, because problems that are a function of the human condition do not always respond positively to human effort. This recently came to mind as I contemplated two questions submitted by readers.
The first came from the mother of a pre-teen boy whom she described as "a melancholy mess-moody, unaffectionate, and negative." He has been a minor league misanthrope since early on in his life, and mom does not want him taking this problem with him into the majors. On the positive side, he's good-looking, athletic, and artistic. What can I do to help get him out of his funk? Mom asks, to which I answer probably not much. After all, she's been trying without success for at least a decade.
In the first place, it is not the responsibility of parents to solve all of their children's problems before said children reach adulthood and emancipate, nor is it realistic to think that can be accomplished, even with colossal parental effort. This is especially the case when the problem in question is related to a child's temperament, which the research strongly suggests is inborn (although not necessarily inherited).
We all reach adulthood with problems our parents could not have solved for us. At that point, one either rises to the challenge or not. And even with complete commitment, some problems of living are not ever going to be solved. One just has to learn to live with them and do his or her best to contain them such that they don't affect others. Again, this is simply the consequence of being born human.
So my advice to this mom is to accept that her son's melancholy is his problem, not hers, and to remember that while human love does not conquer all, it always benefits both the lover and the loved. Besides, this good-looking, athletic boy is about to enter his teen years, during which both of those characteristics are going to be mightily rewarded by his peers. It may well be that a couple of years of positive feedback from kids his own age will accomplish for this youngster what his mom and dad cannot hope to accomplish.
The second question came from a woman whose sister-in-law is forever bragging about her talented children and putting down other parents whose kids are not so blessed (or cursed, depending on one's point of view). My petitioner wants to know how to handle her seemingly egomaniacal relative. I say "seemingly" because a mother who lives her life through her children in this manner is obviously covering up deep-seated feelings of personal inadequacy. She may also be over-investing in her kids to avoid dealing with problems in her marriage. In any case, she needs to put some boundaries between herself and her children and claim a valid adult life for herself. The probability of her doing this, however, is slim. That's most unfortunate, because when her kids leave home and establish lives of their own, she is likely to be a very unhappy individual.
No one is going to be able to say anything to this woman that will cause her to experience sudden self-revelation. Therefore, I advised my writer to stay away from her toxic sister-in-law as much as possible; and when she can't avoid her, to ignore her; and when she can't ignore her, to regard her as an unfortunate who deserves compassion, all the more so because she doesn't realize she's being slowly destroyed from within.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
The first came from the mother of a pre-teen boy whom she described as "a melancholy mess-moody, unaffectionate, and negative." He has been a minor league misanthrope since early on in his life, and mom does not want him taking this problem with him into the majors. On the positive side, he's good-looking, athletic, and artistic. What can I do to help get him out of his funk? Mom asks, to which I answer probably not much. After all, she's been trying without success for at least a decade.
In the first place, it is not the responsibility of parents to solve all of their children's problems before said children reach adulthood and emancipate, nor is it realistic to think that can be accomplished, even with colossal parental effort. This is especially the case when the problem in question is related to a child's temperament, which the research strongly suggests is inborn (although not necessarily inherited).
We all reach adulthood with problems our parents could not have solved for us. At that point, one either rises to the challenge or not. And even with complete commitment, some problems of living are not ever going to be solved. One just has to learn to live with them and do his or her best to contain them such that they don't affect others. Again, this is simply the consequence of being born human.
So my advice to this mom is to accept that her son's melancholy is his problem, not hers, and to remember that while human love does not conquer all, it always benefits both the lover and the loved. Besides, this good-looking, athletic boy is about to enter his teen years, during which both of those characteristics are going to be mightily rewarded by his peers. It may well be that a couple of years of positive feedback from kids his own age will accomplish for this youngster what his mom and dad cannot hope to accomplish.
The second question came from a woman whose sister-in-law is forever bragging about her talented children and putting down other parents whose kids are not so blessed (or cursed, depending on one's point of view). My petitioner wants to know how to handle her seemingly egomaniacal relative. I say "seemingly" because a mother who lives her life through her children in this manner is obviously covering up deep-seated feelings of personal inadequacy. She may also be over-investing in her kids to avoid dealing with problems in her marriage. In any case, she needs to put some boundaries between herself and her children and claim a valid adult life for herself. The probability of her doing this, however, is slim. That's most unfortunate, because when her kids leave home and establish lives of their own, she is likely to be a very unhappy individual.
No one is going to be able to say anything to this woman that will cause her to experience sudden self-revelation. Therefore, I advised my writer to stay away from her toxic sister-in-law as much as possible; and when she can't avoid her, to ignore her; and when she can't ignore her, to regard her as an unfortunate who deserves compassion, all the more so because she doesn't realize she's being slowly destroyed from within.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Parenting a tweenage and teenager
I've done different blogs about the book "Parenting By The Book" by John Rosemond and things that he has said that are true and helpful. Also I get his weekly column that gets published in many different newspapers around the USA.
Now I'm reading Teen-Proofing and it to is very good and I think I've included some stuff on Facebook about what he has said. So this morning as I'm reading it he is talking about kids and wanting the last word and how as parents we fight for us to have the last word and we don't need to engage our children in that but let them have the last word and just stick to your NO and leave but don't continue the battle. So that was really good and then he goes on about your children saying that they "hate" you in the heat of the argument and of course they really don't but they try to hit you where it hurts so you will change your no to yes.
Now the part I'm going to type to you from the book this is a direction our children are moving into that is wrong on behalf of the parents. I know I've said Trevor can live with us forever and do on-line college but that is because he is so easy of a child and very obedient to whatever we say. He is a rare breed. But our job as parents is to prepare them to leave. This to me is funny but true as I too loved my parents but didn't want to live with them for too long after high school. So here goes...........
" I once asked the 500 plus people in Nashville audience how many of you when you were teens truly liked your parents? Maybe 10 hands went up. This didn't surprise me because I didn't like my parents either when I was a teen. They annoyed me, inconvenienced me and made me angry on a regular basis. I couldn't wait to leave home, which simply means they did a good job of convincing me I could make a better life for myself than they were willing to make for me. "
"Today's parents, by all accounts, are not doing a very good job of convincing their children of this. When I was 20, I was married and on my own. The average age of economic emancipation in my generation was, in fact, 22 years old. Today, the average age is approaching 26. In my time, for a child to live at home well into his/her twenties was considered indication of something very odd in the parent-child relationship. Today it is considered normal."
"The researchers who discovered this trend were unable to explain it in terms of economics or the availability of jobs. They said, " The children of this generation have been given too much by parents who have been generally guilty of self-in-duced nearsightedness." (end of book)
Both my siblings and I were out of the house by 22 years old. I think I stayed the longest to age 21 years old. So mom and dad you did it right!! You prepared us the best you could to get out and make it on our own. Today's parents who still have teens at home need to start preparing them to leave and if your child is older then 22 and still living with you free of charge I guess you need to think about it and figure out a way for them to grow-up spread their own wings and fly away.
Now I'm reading Teen-Proofing and it to is very good and I think I've included some stuff on Facebook about what he has said. So this morning as I'm reading it he is talking about kids and wanting the last word and how as parents we fight for us to have the last word and we don't need to engage our children in that but let them have the last word and just stick to your NO and leave but don't continue the battle. So that was really good and then he goes on about your children saying that they "hate" you in the heat of the argument and of course they really don't but they try to hit you where it hurts so you will change your no to yes.
Now the part I'm going to type to you from the book this is a direction our children are moving into that is wrong on behalf of the parents. I know I've said Trevor can live with us forever and do on-line college but that is because he is so easy of a child and very obedient to whatever we say. He is a rare breed. But our job as parents is to prepare them to leave. This to me is funny but true as I too loved my parents but didn't want to live with them for too long after high school. So here goes...........
" I once asked the 500 plus people in Nashville audience how many of you when you were teens truly liked your parents? Maybe 10 hands went up. This didn't surprise me because I didn't like my parents either when I was a teen. They annoyed me, inconvenienced me and made me angry on a regular basis. I couldn't wait to leave home, which simply means they did a good job of convincing me I could make a better life for myself than they were willing to make for me. "
"Today's parents, by all accounts, are not doing a very good job of convincing their children of this. When I was 20, I was married and on my own. The average age of economic emancipation in my generation was, in fact, 22 years old. Today, the average age is approaching 26. In my time, for a child to live at home well into his/her twenties was considered indication of something very odd in the parent-child relationship. Today it is considered normal."
"The researchers who discovered this trend were unable to explain it in terms of economics or the availability of jobs. They said, " The children of this generation have been given too much by parents who have been generally guilty of self-in-duced nearsightedness." (end of book)
Both my siblings and I were out of the house by 22 years old. I think I stayed the longest to age 21 years old. So mom and dad you did it right!! You prepared us the best you could to get out and make it on our own. Today's parents who still have teens at home need to start preparing them to leave and if your child is older then 22 and still living with you free of charge I guess you need to think about it and figure out a way for them to grow-up spread their own wings and fly away.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Reliving the 80's
Ahhhh the 80's some great music was born and great musicians. We had rappers coming out of the hood,we wore leggings, big hair, and black rubber bracelets halfway up our arm. Guys started wearing make-up on and off stage and life was much different then today. Although we are seeing a lot of 80's fashions come back as fashion does recycle itself we also see someone else recycling himself. Who is this person you ask......Terry Brandstad.
Yes, Terry was Governor of this state in the 80's. I think a lot of the voters who got out and voted yesterday don't remember life in Iowa in the 80's when he was governor but I do and this is what I remember......
My dad was a union Ironworker and was struggling to work. Brandstad had raised taxes on of course the hard working middle class and he was NOT a friend to union workers across the entire state. While Brandstad was governor is the ONLY time I remember having to get food stamps because of the LACK of jobs in this state. My dad would sometimes be the only ironworker out in the bitter cold working when there was work to try to support his family. He would come home looking so cold and tired after a long day out in freezing cold weather. It was also at that time we had friends at church named Duane Cassill who had a used car dealership and he gave my dad a job to help him out in our time of need. Also I remember our church family bring over groceries and meals to help us out. It was not just us in the church struggling they saw many families in the congregation struggling. These were all hard working Christian men struggling to have jobs just to provide for their families.
And, no my parents didn't have debt besides a mortgage, they didn't use or have credit cards and had no other loans. It was not just my family, and many families (besides the rich with the great tax breaks) were struggling. Brandstad help make life hard for many Iowa families and definatley union laborers.
All I'm thinking now is hold on to your faith Shannon cause we I may see my family heading towards disaster and very tough financial situations depending on what Terry does and how much he raises middle class taxes. I pray he has learned from his many mistakes of the 80's and that he doesn't repeat the same mistakes and punishes the middle class so the rich can get richer. But I guess only time will tell what he will do.
For you, you may have voted for Brandstad, I guess in time we will see if you regret that decision. I know I was not happy with Chet as a governor and figured he would get beat by whomever republicans elected to run against him. It now has happened and I hope I end up with better memories of Brandstad this time around then the memories I have of him in the 80's cause they are bad memories and he did a terrible job in my book as a pre-teen/teen at the time and the struggle my parents went through just so we could have bread (sometimes we did eat bread, jelly and milk for supper)on the table I will NEVER forget!!
Yes, Terry was Governor of this state in the 80's. I think a lot of the voters who got out and voted yesterday don't remember life in Iowa in the 80's when he was governor but I do and this is what I remember......
My dad was a union Ironworker and was struggling to work. Brandstad had raised taxes on of course the hard working middle class and he was NOT a friend to union workers across the entire state. While Brandstad was governor is the ONLY time I remember having to get food stamps because of the LACK of jobs in this state. My dad would sometimes be the only ironworker out in the bitter cold working when there was work to try to support his family. He would come home looking so cold and tired after a long day out in freezing cold weather. It was also at that time we had friends at church named Duane Cassill who had a used car dealership and he gave my dad a job to help him out in our time of need. Also I remember our church family bring over groceries and meals to help us out. It was not just us in the church struggling they saw many families in the congregation struggling. These were all hard working Christian men struggling to have jobs just to provide for their families.
And, no my parents didn't have debt besides a mortgage, they didn't use or have credit cards and had no other loans. It was not just my family, and many families (besides the rich with the great tax breaks) were struggling. Brandstad help make life hard for many Iowa families and definatley union laborers.
All I'm thinking now is hold on to your faith Shannon cause we I may see my family heading towards disaster and very tough financial situations depending on what Terry does and how much he raises middle class taxes. I pray he has learned from his many mistakes of the 80's and that he doesn't repeat the same mistakes and punishes the middle class so the rich can get richer. But I guess only time will tell what he will do.
For you, you may have voted for Brandstad, I guess in time we will see if you regret that decision. I know I was not happy with Chet as a governor and figured he would get beat by whomever republicans elected to run against him. It now has happened and I hope I end up with better memories of Brandstad this time around then the memories I have of him in the 80's cause they are bad memories and he did a terrible job in my book as a pre-teen/teen at the time and the struggle my parents went through just so we could have bread (sometimes we did eat bread, jelly and milk for supper)on the table I will NEVER forget!!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Punishment at School
Q: Our son's fifth-grade teacher has recently sent home notes to the effect that our little darling isn't paying attention and is missing homework assignments. When I asked what in-school consequences he receives, I was basically told that he receives none unless I specifically so request. In other words, unless teachers inform parents of problems (which doesn't reliably happen), the problems go unpunished. When I hear of a problem, privileges are taken away for a week or more, and my son knows that if he brings home a report card with a bad grade or behavior report, privileges are removed for the next grading period. Is this appropriate, and what can I do to get the school to do their part?
A: To your first question, yes, what you're doing in response to being notified of problems at school is appropriate. You're my kind of parent, in fact, all the more so because you have the courage to hold your son accountable in a culture of excuses.
To your second question-what can you do to get the teacher to do her part?-my answer is "probably nothing." In all too many of America's public schools, and for a variety of reasons, classroom discipline is a farce. It's not that teachers don't want to discipline; it's that they are specifically prohibited from doing anything effective when a child misbehaves (In this context, I use the term to encompass both academic and behavioral misdeeds).
The problem (this should surprise no one) is lawyers and the law. For one thing, a school can be sued if a child is punished for behavior that is later discovered to be symptomatic of a disorder with which the child is supposedly afflicted. So if Johnny is punished in November for exposing himself to the class at recess, and the following March a psychologist determines Johnny has childhood bipolar disorder, Johnny's parents can sue school officials for victimizing Johnny. No, that was not lifted from a Joseph Heller novel; that is the real deal. As a consequence of institutionalized insanity of that sort, one of a principal's primary responsibilities is to keep the lawyers at bay. So, playing it safe, more and more of America's public schools are "discipline free zones."
Another aspect of the problem is that teachers report problems at great risk to themselves. Fifty years ago, parents were unequivocal in their support of teacher authority. All too many of today's parents, when they are informed of a problem, rise to their children's defense. Sadly, all too many of today's principals, when parents get upset, will not back their teachers. It's that "L-word" thing again.
Needless to say, children are no dummies. Even the child with a serious learning disability is quick to figure out that a school's discipline policy is a sham and that his parents are desperate to believe that he is incapable of dirty deeds (lest they have to deal with the horrifying implication that they are not perfect parents). And 'round and 'round we go.
As your son's teacher told you, you can specifically empower the school to punish him for not turning in assignments, not paying attention in class, and so on, but that begs the question: What, in the school's view, constitutes punishment? The teacher may not be permitted, even with your permission, to do anything more draconian than deprive your son of a smiley face sticker at the end of the day. In short, this is probably a losing battle on your part. Just do your duty at home and be thankful you won't be raising a child twenty years from now. This isn't going to get better any time soon.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his web site at www.rosemond.com.
A: To your first question, yes, what you're doing in response to being notified of problems at school is appropriate. You're my kind of parent, in fact, all the more so because you have the courage to hold your son accountable in a culture of excuses.
To your second question-what can you do to get the teacher to do her part?-my answer is "probably nothing." In all too many of America's public schools, and for a variety of reasons, classroom discipline is a farce. It's not that teachers don't want to discipline; it's that they are specifically prohibited from doing anything effective when a child misbehaves (In this context, I use the term to encompass both academic and behavioral misdeeds).
The problem (this should surprise no one) is lawyers and the law. For one thing, a school can be sued if a child is punished for behavior that is later discovered to be symptomatic of a disorder with which the child is supposedly afflicted. So if Johnny is punished in November for exposing himself to the class at recess, and the following March a psychologist determines Johnny has childhood bipolar disorder, Johnny's parents can sue school officials for victimizing Johnny. No, that was not lifted from a Joseph Heller novel; that is the real deal. As a consequence of institutionalized insanity of that sort, one of a principal's primary responsibilities is to keep the lawyers at bay. So, playing it safe, more and more of America's public schools are "discipline free zones."
Another aspect of the problem is that teachers report problems at great risk to themselves. Fifty years ago, parents were unequivocal in their support of teacher authority. All too many of today's parents, when they are informed of a problem, rise to their children's defense. Sadly, all too many of today's principals, when parents get upset, will not back their teachers. It's that "L-word" thing again.
Needless to say, children are no dummies. Even the child with a serious learning disability is quick to figure out that a school's discipline policy is a sham and that his parents are desperate to believe that he is incapable of dirty deeds (lest they have to deal with the horrifying implication that they are not perfect parents). And 'round and 'round we go.
As your son's teacher told you, you can specifically empower the school to punish him for not turning in assignments, not paying attention in class, and so on, but that begs the question: What, in the school's view, constitutes punishment? The teacher may not be permitted, even with your permission, to do anything more draconian than deprive your son of a smiley face sticker at the end of the day. In short, this is probably a losing battle on your part. Just do your duty at home and be thankful you won't be raising a child twenty years from now. This isn't going to get better any time soon.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his web site at www.rosemond.com.
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