Matthew 5:37 (NJB) "All you need to say is Yes if you mean yes, No if you mean no; anything more than this comes from the Evil One.
I love this verse and it applies to many areas of our lives including parenting children. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gave his disciples what is without question the most important of all leadership principles. Say what you mean and mean what you say!
So in parenting do your children know that your word can be relied upon, that it is the law? Do they know that beyond a shadow of a doubt when you say YES you mean nothing short of yes? Then also when you say NO do they know you mean NO?
More precisely:
When you tell one of your children that you expect him to do something, does he absolutely know that he is going to have to do it, that you absolutely WILL enforce your instructions? If you can answer that question with a yes then your child indeed knows your yes means yes. On the other hand, have you given your child reason to think that if he stalls long enough, complains loudly and dramatically enough, or begins to argue you may give up and do it yourself? If that is the case, then your child has learned that your yes really means "I wish you would".
When you tell your child that you will NOT let him do something he wants to do or give him something he desires, does he absolutely, without a doubt know that you mean what you have said? If so then your child has learned that your NO means No. Or does he believe that if he argues, cries pitifully, or begins ranting raving, and raging you are likely to give in, if not completely, at least partially? If that is the case, then you have taught your child that your no does not mean no but it means "I'd rather you didn't", I'd rather not or "Please don't make this difficult, okay?"
As the parent the problem is you not your child and you are the one who has to say what you mean and mean what you say and apply Matt. 5:37 to your parenting.
And as the parent you do NOT have to explain your position. If you need to say something make it short like 1) you're not old enough 2) you might get hurt 3) we don't have the money or won't use money for that 4) we don't have the time or we won't take the time for that 5) we don't believe in that and last 6) we don't like those kids. With your short answer to them be done turn around and leave or go back to what you were doing but continue to engage or argue with your child.
This is where "Because I said so" comes into play. You and your spouse are the leaders in your house and if you say what you mean and mean what you say, then because I said so is all your children need to know and they will know as well that you are serious and it is the end of discussion.
Do effective leaders do much explaining when it come to their decisions? NO, they do not. That is because leadership demands decisiveness. When people in leadership positions begin giving explanations, they look less decisive.
So this week work on your yes being yes and your no being no and don't get into the habit of explaining yourself especially to a 2 or 3 year old :)
This information is brought to you by "Parenting By the Book" by John Rosemond a must read for every parent.
The life of Shannon in small town Lisbon.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
10 Things the Bible Tells Me So
I'm almost done reading Parenting by The Book by John Rosemond. It is a very good book for all parents to read to help get back to the basics of child raising and discipline based on what the Bible says. As Christians is that not what we want to do live by the Book. We too need to be the example to others around us and to our children to live by the Book. It is hard and we do mess up everyday. Or at least I mess up everyday but I do want to help me kids to understand the Truth of what God says, since the Devil has forces all around them trying to lead them in a different way. So today I'm talking from Chapter 9 called The Bible Tells Me So with Proverbs 3:5 as the verse.
The Bible has a number of things to say concerning the discipline of children. This stems from as the Bible tells us about the sinfulness of children. Children do NOT need to be taught how to misbehave; it comes naturally to them...agree? It's the positive influence of adults who are committed to the goal of raising a person of character that is essential.
1) Discipline and Love are Two Sides of the Same Coin: Prov. 3:12
The Bible says that discipline is an expression of delight in one's child. The more parents delight, the more effectively they discipline, and the more effectively they discipline the more they will delight. The Bible also says that parents who discipline their children properly are doing the Lord's work. So it goes without saying that more gratifying employment cannot be found.
2)Punishment is Never Pleasant but Produces Great Benefit for the Person Punished: Hebrews 12:11
The writer of Hebrews is saying is that if correction is not painful to the person corrected, it will have no effect. Two generations ago, parents had no problem making children feel bad when they did bad things. Today because of all the psycho babble going on we are taught 1)attempt to correct their children's misbehavior while 2)taking great care not to make their children feel bad. As a result of this teaching we now have many undisciplined children and mental health professionals enjoy higher standards of living.
3) Punishment is Essential to Proper Discipline: Hebrews 12:6
Today's parents do a lot of talking, reasoning and explaining to their children, when it comes to their bad behaviors. But the Bible says proper discipline, including punishment when appropriate, is an expression of love. Who do you believe? The Bible or the world??
4)Proper Discipline Validates a Child: Hebrews 12:8 If you are not disciplined....then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
What's this? If a child is not disciplined, the child is not legitimate? It's the equivalent of saying that parental failure to discipline is a form of child neglect. As a mature individual is justified (validated) to God by his or her faith, a child is justified to society (turned into a functional citizen) through proper parental discipline.
5) Obedient Children are Pleasing to Their Parents: Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace;he will bring delight to your soul.
Everyone knows parents whose children are disobedient, sassy and so on. Do they seem at peace? Do they seem to delight in their children? Parents who are content with and in their parenting have children who are respectful, well-mannered, and obedient. The opposite is true as well: It never fails that parents who seem constantly under stress, exasperated, and worried have children who are ill-behaved. Those parents are convinced that their children's ill behavior is the cause of their stress, but that belief is a form of denial. The real problem is their lack of parental discipline!!! The Bible is clear that in order for a child to bring a parent peace rather then discord, the child MUST be properly disciplined.
6) Children are to Obey Their Parents: Colossians 3:20
God wants a relationship with us, but a relationship with God requires self-discipline. Parents who properly discipline their children are likely to raise self-disciplined children who have what it takes to become permanent citizens of the Kingdom. No wonder the obedient child is pleasing to the Lord.
7) Obedience will bring Blessings to Children: Proverbs 1:8-9
A parent who says, "I wish my child would obey me!" just doesn't get it. First, children don't grant adult wishes. Second, that parent wants his child to obey for his benefit; so that he won't be so frustrated and stressed out; so that he'll have more peace of mind. But the Bible clearly says that although parents are certainly blessed by children who are well behaved, the primary blessings of good behavior flow to the children themselves; good manners are like fine jewelry-they grace the person who "wears" them.
8) The Most Obedient Children are also the Happiest, Most Self-Respecting Children: Proverbs 15:32
The happiest parents always seem to have the most obedient children, and the most obedient children are the happiest children. Happiness abounds for those who are obedient, in large part because obedience to legitimate authority is not only a sign of respect for the person in authority, but also self-respect. Disobedient people, wherever they are found are never found happy. They are angry, sullen, malcontents who "despise themselves." Lacking respect for authority, they also lack self-respect. Which one of these people would you like your child to be?
9) A Lack of Discipline Contributes to Death - In the Everlasting Sense: Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
Hope. No guarantees, just hope. Proper discipline sets a child on the right road, but it's up to him/her to see to it that he/she stays there - or finds his/her way back when they stray. But you need to get them started out on the right path by disciplining them now. Give the gift of Hope to your children!
10) Discipline is the Way to Life Eternal: Proverbs 6:23
Jesus made a bold statement that He is the "way and the truth and the life" (John 14:6). Through Him we are granted eternal life. In Proverbs, we are told two things; Discipline is the way to life, and the lack of discipline leads ultimately to death. That's how important discipline is!! Through proper discipline, a parent gives a child the greatest gift of all.
This is something I read from the book that I thought might be helpful to some of you out there. This is a great book and I highly recommend it for all parents. You do need to discipline your children not put them on medications. So much of the problems in the school system, and at home are from children who have no consistent discipline but God disciplines us as adults and He is our example and He clearly tells us in the Bible that we too are to Discipline our children that He has given to us. So are you still wanting to believe the world in how to raise your children or to the Creator of those children? It's a choice and the choice is yours.
The Bible has a number of things to say concerning the discipline of children. This stems from as the Bible tells us about the sinfulness of children. Children do NOT need to be taught how to misbehave; it comes naturally to them...agree? It's the positive influence of adults who are committed to the goal of raising a person of character that is essential.
1) Discipline and Love are Two Sides of the Same Coin: Prov. 3:12
The Bible says that discipline is an expression of delight in one's child. The more parents delight, the more effectively they discipline, and the more effectively they discipline the more they will delight. The Bible also says that parents who discipline their children properly are doing the Lord's work. So it goes without saying that more gratifying employment cannot be found.
2)Punishment is Never Pleasant but Produces Great Benefit for the Person Punished: Hebrews 12:11
The writer of Hebrews is saying is that if correction is not painful to the person corrected, it will have no effect. Two generations ago, parents had no problem making children feel bad when they did bad things. Today because of all the psycho babble going on we are taught 1)attempt to correct their children's misbehavior while 2)taking great care not to make their children feel bad. As a result of this teaching we now have many undisciplined children and mental health professionals enjoy higher standards of living.
3) Punishment is Essential to Proper Discipline: Hebrews 12:6
Today's parents do a lot of talking, reasoning and explaining to their children, when it comes to their bad behaviors. But the Bible says proper discipline, including punishment when appropriate, is an expression of love. Who do you believe? The Bible or the world??
4)Proper Discipline Validates a Child: Hebrews 12:8 If you are not disciplined....then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
What's this? If a child is not disciplined, the child is not legitimate? It's the equivalent of saying that parental failure to discipline is a form of child neglect. As a mature individual is justified (validated) to God by his or her faith, a child is justified to society (turned into a functional citizen) through proper parental discipline.
5) Obedient Children are Pleasing to Their Parents: Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace;he will bring delight to your soul.
Everyone knows parents whose children are disobedient, sassy and so on. Do they seem at peace? Do they seem to delight in their children? Parents who are content with and in their parenting have children who are respectful, well-mannered, and obedient. The opposite is true as well: It never fails that parents who seem constantly under stress, exasperated, and worried have children who are ill-behaved. Those parents are convinced that their children's ill behavior is the cause of their stress, but that belief is a form of denial. The real problem is their lack of parental discipline!!! The Bible is clear that in order for a child to bring a parent peace rather then discord, the child MUST be properly disciplined.
6) Children are to Obey Their Parents: Colossians 3:20
God wants a relationship with us, but a relationship with God requires self-discipline. Parents who properly discipline their children are likely to raise self-disciplined children who have what it takes to become permanent citizens of the Kingdom. No wonder the obedient child is pleasing to the Lord.
7) Obedience will bring Blessings to Children: Proverbs 1:8-9
A parent who says, "I wish my child would obey me!" just doesn't get it. First, children don't grant adult wishes. Second, that parent wants his child to obey for his benefit; so that he won't be so frustrated and stressed out; so that he'll have more peace of mind. But the Bible clearly says that although parents are certainly blessed by children who are well behaved, the primary blessings of good behavior flow to the children themselves; good manners are like fine jewelry-they grace the person who "wears" them.
8) The Most Obedient Children are also the Happiest, Most Self-Respecting Children: Proverbs 15:32
The happiest parents always seem to have the most obedient children, and the most obedient children are the happiest children. Happiness abounds for those who are obedient, in large part because obedience to legitimate authority is not only a sign of respect for the person in authority, but also self-respect. Disobedient people, wherever they are found are never found happy. They are angry, sullen, malcontents who "despise themselves." Lacking respect for authority, they also lack self-respect. Which one of these people would you like your child to be?
9) A Lack of Discipline Contributes to Death - In the Everlasting Sense: Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
Hope. No guarantees, just hope. Proper discipline sets a child on the right road, but it's up to him/her to see to it that he/she stays there - or finds his/her way back when they stray. But you need to get them started out on the right path by disciplining them now. Give the gift of Hope to your children!
10) Discipline is the Way to Life Eternal: Proverbs 6:23
Jesus made a bold statement that He is the "way and the truth and the life" (John 14:6). Through Him we are granted eternal life. In Proverbs, we are told two things; Discipline is the way to life, and the lack of discipline leads ultimately to death. That's how important discipline is!! Through proper discipline, a parent gives a child the greatest gift of all.
This is something I read from the book that I thought might be helpful to some of you out there. This is a great book and I highly recommend it for all parents. You do need to discipline your children not put them on medications. So much of the problems in the school system, and at home are from children who have no consistent discipline but God disciplines us as adults and He is our example and He clearly tells us in the Bible that we too are to Discipline our children that He has given to us. So are you still wanting to believe the world in how to raise your children or to the Creator of those children? It's a choice and the choice is yours.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Question & Answers by John Rosemond
Q: My 10-year-old daughter has been asking for a year now to shave her legs. So far I have said no, mainly because putting a razor in the hands of a 10-year-old doesn't seem safe. Though she is small for her age and not even close to starting puberty, her legs really are quite hairy and she gets teased about them sometimes. I don't want to promote vanity, but I hate to see her self-conscious over something that is simple to fix. Is it totally inappropriate for a girl her age to be shaving her legs? If so, what would be a more appropriate age? Also, can you recommend a particular brand of razor, or should we use chemical hair removers and avoid razors altogether?
A: Your daughter is entering a time in her life when self-consciousness becomes problematic and other children can be extremely cruel. The cruelty is actually a way of compensating for one's own insecurities. Given that this is the personal and social reality your daughter is now dealing with, I encourage you to let her shave her legs. Having never shaved my legs, I consulted with my wife, Willie, on this. She recommends that you first show your daughter how to use hair-removing cream and then provide her with an electric razor until she is older. I use an electric for evening touch-ups and recommend a good rotary. Stay away from inexpensive off-brands. They aren't worth it.
Q: Our 10-year-old daughter goes back and forth between our house and her mom's. Our homes are run very differently. Bio-Mom gives her everything she wants (cell phone, expensive computer, TV and DVD in her room, etc). In our home we have chores and rules. We also discipline her, especially when she is disrespectful, which is often. Just recently, after an up-and-down day, we listened in on a phone call between her and her mother. Her mother told her she would call later and tell us a lie about why she needed her to come home right away. They laughed at how they were going to pull the wool over our eyes. To me as the stepmom it makes all perfect sense why our 10-year-old doesn't respect us. Any advice?
A: Indeed, it makes perfect sense. If the phone call is typical, then this is a mother who is trying to be her daughter's best friend. That is incompatible with being an authority figure, so the only discipline your daughter ever experiences is at your house. And of course she resents it. And of course she complains about it to her best friend, and of course her best friend becomes an enabler. And the wheel keeps on turning.
Let's be realistic. Will it be possible for you to have a rational discussion about these issues with this very immature mother? Nope. Can you, therefore, hope to solve this child's disrespect of adults who act like adults? Nope. Nonetheless, should you punish her when the disrespect occurs? Absolutely. Never give up. Never surrender. Understand, however, that while discipline is appropriate, it's not going to solve the problem.
There are, in fact, some problems that just aren't solvable. They are, at best, tolerable. I think you're going to have to figure out a way to tolerate this until your daughter grows up, which may another thirty years. In the meantime, my best advice is "grin and bear it."
By the way, some people may think it was inappropriate of you to "bug" the phone conversation. I do not. Wiretapping laws do not extend to 10-year-olds.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
A: Your daughter is entering a time in her life when self-consciousness becomes problematic and other children can be extremely cruel. The cruelty is actually a way of compensating for one's own insecurities. Given that this is the personal and social reality your daughter is now dealing with, I encourage you to let her shave her legs. Having never shaved my legs, I consulted with my wife, Willie, on this. She recommends that you first show your daughter how to use hair-removing cream and then provide her with an electric razor until she is older. I use an electric for evening touch-ups and recommend a good rotary. Stay away from inexpensive off-brands. They aren't worth it.
Q: Our 10-year-old daughter goes back and forth between our house and her mom's. Our homes are run very differently. Bio-Mom gives her everything she wants (cell phone, expensive computer, TV and DVD in her room, etc). In our home we have chores and rules. We also discipline her, especially when she is disrespectful, which is often. Just recently, after an up-and-down day, we listened in on a phone call between her and her mother. Her mother told her she would call later and tell us a lie about why she needed her to come home right away. They laughed at how they were going to pull the wool over our eyes. To me as the stepmom it makes all perfect sense why our 10-year-old doesn't respect us. Any advice?
A: Indeed, it makes perfect sense. If the phone call is typical, then this is a mother who is trying to be her daughter's best friend. That is incompatible with being an authority figure, so the only discipline your daughter ever experiences is at your house. And of course she resents it. And of course she complains about it to her best friend, and of course her best friend becomes an enabler. And the wheel keeps on turning.
Let's be realistic. Will it be possible for you to have a rational discussion about these issues with this very immature mother? Nope. Can you, therefore, hope to solve this child's disrespect of adults who act like adults? Nope. Nonetheless, should you punish her when the disrespect occurs? Absolutely. Never give up. Never surrender. Understand, however, that while discipline is appropriate, it's not going to solve the problem.
There are, in fact, some problems that just aren't solvable. They are, at best, tolerable. I think you're going to have to figure out a way to tolerate this until your daughter grows up, which may another thirty years. In the meantime, my best advice is "grin and bear it."
By the way, some people may think it was inappropriate of you to "bug" the phone conversation. I do not. Wiretapping laws do not extend to 10-year-olds.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
No discipline in school...What!
The National Association for the Education of Young Children and I don't see eye-to-eye on many things-maybe anything. We don't even agree on a definition of "child." For example, they believe children are capable of being reasoned with. I believe that if a person is capable of being reasoned with, he or she is no longer a child.
NAEYC certifies preschool education programs, and their standards, as one would expect, reflect their philosophy. They will not give a program their seal of approval if it punishes children who do bad things. Why? Because children do not do bad things. According to one of NAEYC's publications, they simply "make mistakes in their behavior." In other words, when a child does the wrong thing, it is not intentional. Really? I was a child once. When caught, I was rather clever when it came to appearing that "I didn't mean it." Adults who believed me did me no favors.
A North Carolina preschool teacher recently told me their director informed her and her colleagues that time-out is being phased from the classroom because it is a form of "shaming." Instead, they are to re-direct the misguided child to a more positive activity. A week after being so informed, said teacher reprimanded a toddler who was beating on another child. No punishment, just a reprimand. The director scolded her for being too negative. I feel certain the director did not appreciate the irony.
Another teacher in the program came up with the idea that children who followed classroom rules would get a prize at the end of the day. A child became upset that she didn't get the prize. The director told the teacher to apologize to the child for singling her out and to give her the prize. This child has thus been moved one step further toward incurable narcissism. This is the stuff of trying to become certified by NAEYC.
One of NAEYC's papers (http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc/file/Gartrell%2001.pdf) says that "punishments such as time-outs confuse young children because they cannot easily understand the sequence of behaviors during and after a conflict nor what removal to a chair has to do with them." That sentence confuses me, so I'm fairly certain it's an example of pure, distilled psychobabble. The same paper goes on to assert that time-outs cause children to feel ineffectual, prevent them from developing alternative strategies, lower their self-worth, and are bewildering because young children have difficulty figuring out cause-effect relationships. Psychobabble is any assertion that cannot be verified by the scientific method. All of the preceding fits that definition.
Concerning shame, it is dysfunctional when it is either excessive or absent. But when a child misbehaves, he should feel ashamed. Young children are incapable of feeling shame on their own; therefore, they need responsible agents (i.e. adults) to help them feel it. This process is essential to proper socialization; to an appreciation of the effect one's behavior has on others.
Concerning children, I know that back in the parenting dark ages, when children knew they were going to be punished for misbehaving, they were far more likely to behave. That is why a teacher in the 1950s had no problem teaching 50 or more first-graders without an aide (of the 1950s first grade class sizes I've come across, 95 is the record so far, and the woman who taught that leviathan remembered no significant discipline problems).
Today's teachers are dealing with classroom behavior problems that would have astounded our great-grandparents. NAEYC ought to be ashamed for contributing to this problem...but they won't be. They don't believe in shame.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
NAEYC certifies preschool education programs, and their standards, as one would expect, reflect their philosophy. They will not give a program their seal of approval if it punishes children who do bad things. Why? Because children do not do bad things. According to one of NAEYC's publications, they simply "make mistakes in their behavior." In other words, when a child does the wrong thing, it is not intentional. Really? I was a child once. When caught, I was rather clever when it came to appearing that "I didn't mean it." Adults who believed me did me no favors.
A North Carolina preschool teacher recently told me their director informed her and her colleagues that time-out is being phased from the classroom because it is a form of "shaming." Instead, they are to re-direct the misguided child to a more positive activity. A week after being so informed, said teacher reprimanded a toddler who was beating on another child. No punishment, just a reprimand. The director scolded her for being too negative. I feel certain the director did not appreciate the irony.
Another teacher in the program came up with the idea that children who followed classroom rules would get a prize at the end of the day. A child became upset that she didn't get the prize. The director told the teacher to apologize to the child for singling her out and to give her the prize. This child has thus been moved one step further toward incurable narcissism. This is the stuff of trying to become certified by NAEYC.
One of NAEYC's papers (http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc/file/Gartrell%2001.pdf) says that "punishments such as time-outs confuse young children because they cannot easily understand the sequence of behaviors during and after a conflict nor what removal to a chair has to do with them." That sentence confuses me, so I'm fairly certain it's an example of pure, distilled psychobabble. The same paper goes on to assert that time-outs cause children to feel ineffectual, prevent them from developing alternative strategies, lower their self-worth, and are bewildering because young children have difficulty figuring out cause-effect relationships. Psychobabble is any assertion that cannot be verified by the scientific method. All of the preceding fits that definition.
Concerning shame, it is dysfunctional when it is either excessive or absent. But when a child misbehaves, he should feel ashamed. Young children are incapable of feeling shame on their own; therefore, they need responsible agents (i.e. adults) to help them feel it. This process is essential to proper socialization; to an appreciation of the effect one's behavior has on others.
Concerning children, I know that back in the parenting dark ages, when children knew they were going to be punished for misbehaving, they were far more likely to behave. That is why a teacher in the 1950s had no problem teaching 50 or more first-graders without an aide (of the 1950s first grade class sizes I've come across, 95 is the record so far, and the woman who taught that leviathan remembered no significant discipline problems).
Today's teachers are dealing with classroom behavior problems that would have astounded our great-grandparents. NAEYC ought to be ashamed for contributing to this problem...but they won't be. They don't believe in shame.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
School grades and Parents
One of the differences between parents of the 1950s and today's is that the former did not care what grades their children made in school. Mind you, they insisted that their children do their best, but if a child's best was average, his parents accepted that and did nothing to make him look like a better student than what he was. Today's parents, as a lot, seem to have great difficulty accepting less than A's on their children's report cards. As a consequence, they are found doing all they can to create the outward impression that their children are a cut above in the achievement department.
Doing one's best is a character issue. When a parent does her best to insure good grades on her child's report cards, the report cards may in fact look good, but the child suffers in the long run. He never learns to do his best. He is disadvantaged, therefore, when faced with difficult problems. He never even really learns what he is capable of and becomes increasingly dependent upon his parents to solve problems for him. In short, while his grades do not suffer (in the short run), his character certainly does.
It appears that the zeal to have one's child identified as gifted and talented and placed, therefore, on an advanced and accelerated track in school is misplaced. A newly-released study finds that only 3 percent of gifted and talented children live up to their potential. The study's author, educational psychologist Joan Freeman, tracked 210 gifted children into adulthood and discovered that only 6 achieved a level of vocational success commensurate with their abilities.
To what did Freeman attribute this underachievement? Overinvolved, pushy parents who end up robbing their children of their childhoods. By all appearances, these kids are high achievers, but they are often not well-founded, especially when it comes to social skills.
"The pleasures and creativity of childhood are the basis of all great work," Freeman writes. She cites one child who was considered a math prodigy. As an adult, he has failed to find any satisfying work and is currently working at a fast-food joint, flipping burgers. It appears that drive, personality, and social skills are as critical to success as ability, perhaps moreso. Needless to say, drive cannot develop if someone else is doing the driving.
The day after this study was released I was in Connecticut doing my usual public-speaking thing. I built much of my first talk around it, in an attempt to help the overachieving moms in the audience step back from the insanity they've bought into and find lives of their own outside of the role of mother (and help their children discover the true pleasures of childhood in the process).
After the talk, a mom came up and told me that prior to having children she had worked in the admissions office of a prestigious New England private college. A disproportionate number of students at said college come from the rolls of gifted and talented programs.
"These young people are often lost without their parents' constant help and validation," she said. Their parents coach them through every difficulty, help them with their homework via the Internet, and stand ready to confront any professor who dares gives them less than A's.
To paraphrase something my stepfather was fond of saying: An impressive transcript and a dollar will buy you a cup of coffee.
Doing one's best is a character issue. When a parent does her best to insure good grades on her child's report cards, the report cards may in fact look good, but the child suffers in the long run. He never learns to do his best. He is disadvantaged, therefore, when faced with difficult problems. He never even really learns what he is capable of and becomes increasingly dependent upon his parents to solve problems for him. In short, while his grades do not suffer (in the short run), his character certainly does.
It appears that the zeal to have one's child identified as gifted and talented and placed, therefore, on an advanced and accelerated track in school is misplaced. A newly-released study finds that only 3 percent of gifted and talented children live up to their potential. The study's author, educational psychologist Joan Freeman, tracked 210 gifted children into adulthood and discovered that only 6 achieved a level of vocational success commensurate with their abilities.
To what did Freeman attribute this underachievement? Overinvolved, pushy parents who end up robbing their children of their childhoods. By all appearances, these kids are high achievers, but they are often not well-founded, especially when it comes to social skills.
"The pleasures and creativity of childhood are the basis of all great work," Freeman writes. She cites one child who was considered a math prodigy. As an adult, he has failed to find any satisfying work and is currently working at a fast-food joint, flipping burgers. It appears that drive, personality, and social skills are as critical to success as ability, perhaps moreso. Needless to say, drive cannot develop if someone else is doing the driving.
The day after this study was released I was in Connecticut doing my usual public-speaking thing. I built much of my first talk around it, in an attempt to help the overachieving moms in the audience step back from the insanity they've bought into and find lives of their own outside of the role of mother (and help their children discover the true pleasures of childhood in the process).
After the talk, a mom came up and told me that prior to having children she had worked in the admissions office of a prestigious New England private college. A disproportionate number of students at said college come from the rolls of gifted and talented programs.
"These young people are often lost without their parents' constant help and validation," she said. Their parents coach them through every difficulty, help them with their homework via the Internet, and stand ready to confront any professor who dares gives them less than A's.
To paraphrase something my stepfather was fond of saying: An impressive transcript and a dollar will buy you a cup of coffee.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)