2 Year old won't eat much just wants milk

Q: My 2-year-old daughter eats a few bites of supper each night and then wants milk. So I give her milk. Then she refuses to eat anything else. We take the milk away and attempt to bribe her to take a bite of this or a bite of that. Sometimes we make her something else to eat, something we know she likes. What can we do to get her to eat without hassles? I know that giving her milk before she's finished everything on her plate makes no sense, but I'm afraid that if I don't, it may lead to future eating problems.


A: The worry that not giving your daughter milk when she asks for it may eventually cause her to develop an eating disorder is a prime example of what I call a "psychological boogeyman"-an unfounded fear that paralyzes a parent's ability to think clearly about an issue and therefore his or her ability to act effectively. You're hardly alone in this regard. I estimate that at least 90 percent of America's parents (mothers, mostly) are infected with one or more of these diabolical psychological viruses.

You're making a mountain out of an anthill. Wouldn't everyone's lives be simpler and therefore happier if you simply give your daughter milk when she wants milk? Yes, they would. Milk is not the problem; you are. I'm sorry to have to tell you this so bluntly, but newspapers don't give me enough space to be warm and fuzzy about such things. Besides, I'm a man, and my genes prevent me from being very sensitive.

If your daughter was not thriving, she would be symptomatic: dark half-circles under her eyes, lethargy, a distended tummy, and so on. In the absence of symptoms, one is forced to conclude that nutrition is not an issue. Some toddlers eat like small horses, some eat like birds (a bad, albeit popular, analogy, since most birds eat huge amounts of food relative to their body weights). In either case, these toddlers thrive. Besides, processed milk is full of good vitamins like D. (Personally, I'd give her nothing but organic milk, which can be had at just about any chain grocery.) If you want to add some insurance into the equation, give her a chewable multi-vitamin every day.

Problems of this sort reinforce my belief that very young children should not be sitting at the "big table" for family meals. The arrangement is a set-up for parents to begin cajoling (and when that fails, attempting to force) a child to eat. The child in question becomes the focus of everyone's attention at the table and learns that she can manipulate her parents by refusing to eat what they want her to eat. The learning in question takes place intuitively, not consciously, but the end result is the same: family meals that are not pleasant for anyone.

Put a plate of bite-size fruits and veggies (carrot sticks, cucumber slices, orange wedges, dehydrated apple slices, and so on) out for your daughter to snack on during the day. Thirty minutes before you and your husband sit down to eat, put your daughter at the table (or a smaller, child-size table, which kids generally love) with her dinner (a smaller version of what you're eating). Let her eat what she feels like eating, then give her milk, then let her down, at which point you and your husband sit down to a peaceful, child-free time of conversation.

When she's older and has developed a more ecumenical palate, have her join you. In the meantime, enjoy!

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.

The Marion Homeschool Program was able to have a guy named John Rosemond come and speak. John has written quite a few books and has the "old school" way of parenting. More closely to the way your parents and grandparents were raised. When there was authority in the house and the house was run by the parents not the kids. He was very funny and very good. I signed up to read his weekly column which is published in I think 25 newspapers around the USA. I will probably put his column on my blog and Facebook page each week as it is very good information for us parents today. Here is this weeks article:

The notion that adults should do all they possibly can to advance the self-esteem of children is dying a slow but hopefully unavoidable death. Research done by a number of objective folks, most notably Roy Baumeister at Florida State University, has clearly shown that high self-esteem is closely associated with anti-social inclinations. Unfortunately, it's taken more than a decade for the research in question to bridge the gap between academia and popular culture. At this writing, two generations of parents were persuaded to devote themselves to creating child-rearing environments that were rich in praise and reward but lacking in reality, elevating their children to idol status in the process.

Thankfully, I am a member of the last generation of American kids who were not allowed to possess high self-esteem. My mother and later her second husband did all they could to repress my Inner Brat, for which I am most grateful. (I did not, however, appreciate their efforts at the time.) When I had an outburst of high self-esteem, one of them would tell me I was "acting too big for my britches" and needed to size myself to the psychic garment in question before they were forced to lend me a literal hand.

Then there were those occasions when, without reprimand, one or the other of them would say, "It would be good for you to always remember that no matter what you accomplish in this world, you are really just a little fish in a big pond." It's very helpful for me to remind myself of this on a regular basis.

Everyone in my generation heard these very healthy things from their parents. I estimate that there are less than ten parents in America who say these psychologically incorrect things today. Today's typical parent seems to think his/her child is the only fish in the pond worth noticing, which is really too bad for his/her child. It's bad for all of us, actually, because the research also finds that the higher a person's self-regard, the lower his regard for others. (It is also noteworthy that high self-esteem puts the individual at high risk for bouts of severe depression.) People with high self-esteem want to be paid attention to and served. They believe in their entitlement. On the other hand, folks with high regard for others pay attention to others and look for opportunities to serve them.

It is unarguable that culture is best served, preserved, and advanced by folks who fit into the latter category. Entitlements weaken, and a culture-wide entitlement mentality weakens the entire culture. Along these lines, every single manager, employer, and supervisor with whom I've talked in the last decade or so has told me that today's young college graduates, by and large, are not looking for work; rather, they are looking for benefits packages (i.e. entitlements). They can't handle criticism, I'm told. They are loathe to do more than "the minimum," yet they expect promotions. The list of high self-esteem symptoms goes on and on. This is corrosion. It threatens America's future.

Raising a child who possesses high other-regard simply requires that parents do what our great-grandparents did. They put their marriages first, not their kids. They gave their children all that they truly needed and very little of what they simply wanted. They assigned daily chores from age three on. They expected their children to always do their best, in whatever setting. Their beds were for adults only. They rarely helped their kids with their homework. They did not serve them individualized dinners. Family came first, not after-school activities. And so on. This parenting paradigm is as workable today as it was when I was a child.

In fact, a small number (but I sense it is slowly growing) of parents have made the conscious decision to create this retro-revolution in their families. Surely, they are salt of the earth.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.