The Real Housewives of..... it started on Bravo with Orange County. Then Bravo added NYC, Washington DC, Atlanta, New Jersey and Beverly Hills. I started watching Orange County when it first started. I was wanting to see life of housewives who have money and live in the sunny state of CA. Like the others, the housewives are women just like you who are doing a reality show. I have learned a lot of things and seen a lot of changes in these different women. The first couple seasons of Orange County the women were friends and in general got along fine. I started watching NYC and then DC and thought wow the women on the east coast are mean to each other compared to the women on the west coast. But as women dropped out of the OC Housewives and new ones joined I realized that those women are just as mean.
With Alivia and even myself growing up there are always the mean girls in school. One would think when we got older and matured as females we would change and not be so caddy but it just doesn't happen. Alivia doesn't watch the show but sometimes sees previews if we are watching other stuff on Bravo. It has been a good way of telling her that even when she gets older, females are verbally mean to each other. You have to be careful in making friends and picking those to be friends with.
We are all different and have different personalities and sometimes that mixes well and other times it is like oil and water and you just can't mix them together. Which works for Bravo since you get to see a lot of "cat fights" which makes them money.
It also makes me reflect on past friendships and present ones. There are no perfect people and I will let my friends down and they will in turn let me down. From these friendships hopefully you grow as a person. Sometimes the friendship can be mended and other times you have to let it go. Some friends you lose touch with after they move away, some friendships are just for a short amount of time. It may be circumstances that bring you together and when that event is done you no longer keep in touch. Some people stay friends with those from high school or college and the both work at that friendship to keep it going strong. In some friendships you can go along time without seeing or talking to each other and pick right back up where you left off. Friendships are a funny thing and you can see all these different types on tv.
Jesus had 12 close friends that he shared many things with. If you look at those friendships you may see personalities of some of your friends now or friends who had. John the disciple whom Jesus loved was loyal and a very good friend. Judas was the complete opposite and betrayed Jesus just as we have all had friends who have betrayed us. Peter was quick to the sword and had Jesus' back to defend him but also let him down by denying him. But after he heard the rooster crow his heart was very sad for what he had did. You may have had a friend who let you down and then came to ask for forgiveness because they truly do love you. The rest of disciple as well had different personalities and different friendships with Jesus.
It can be hard to find a true friend. Someone whom you can trust, go to 24/7, listen to you, cry with you, rejoice with you and pray with you. Along that path to find that true friend or friends you will have hurt and disappointment. Your one true friend is Christ. He is everything you need and he has given up everything for you because He loves you that much. You will not find a friend like that here on earth because as I said we all mess up and are imperfect. But keep searching for that kind of friend here on earth because you can find someone who loves you for who you are, and will forgive you when you mess up and hurt them.
I'm very thankful for Darla, Sheri and Sherry three great friends who love me, forgive me and are there for me as I am for them.
The life of Shannon in small town Lisbon.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
And Now High School
It's hard to believe my baby boy will be entering 9th grade this next school year. It has gone by so fast although some days, weeks and months seemed to drag on like this part of life would never end. But it always does and he has matured into a wonderful young man.
When we decided to homeschool we said we would just take it one year at a time, which we continue to do. For most people I knew who homeschooled, at high school they decided to send the kids to public or christian school because there is a lot of record keeping involved if you want your child to graduate with the school district diploma. Now that we are done with Junior High for Trevor I've been looking at High School and what he needs to do in 4 years according to the state of Iowa.
For High School 9th - 12th Grade students need to complete credits. A credit would be either 2/3 of a public school textbook or 120 hours on a certain subject. They also need to take ITBS and pass at 40% level.
When I look back at my high school and maybe kids in high school now I wish my parents would have known the in's and out's of what was needed to graduate. In many cases kids could graduate early.
I had a full-time summer job that in 6 weeks I could have earned a elective credit for in occupational skills. 12- 40hour weeks at that job and there I have 2 credits of the 8 credits in electives. Summer reading of 120 hours worth would account for 1 credit in English. Doing chores over the years at home I'm sure I had at least 120 hours in to account of another elective credit in home economics. But none of that counted cause my parents were unaware of things like that accounting for credits towards graduation.
One advantage of homeschooling is you do learn about Iowa laws in the education field which is at an advantage to your child/children.
So what credits do your children need in 4 years to graduate, English 4 credits, Social Studies 3 credits, Science 2 credits, Math 2 credits, P.E./Health 1 credit, Electives 8 credits.
Electives are just that, the extra so it can be working, chores, foreign language, music, art, home economics, bible, drama, volunteer work, studying of something they are interested in etc. As I said before a credit is 120 hours on a subject or 2/3 of a textbook.
I found it fascinating that kids only need 2 credits in Math. In a school year I'm sure the teacher gets through at least 2/3 of the text they are teaching and if a student would choose they would only need to do math for 2 of their 4 school years. Same with Science and only 3 years of Social Studies. So as a Senior depending on what your plan in life is you may only need to take an English class in the public school system your last year, if you have fulfilled the other credits plus your eight electives and passed at 40% or higher on ITBS.
Looking at all of this and going through Trevor's 4 year plan he very well could graduate early and get started in his college road to be whatever he has planned. I'm excited about these next 3 or 4 years as he continues to mature from a young man to a man and see where God is leading him.
When we decided to homeschool we said we would just take it one year at a time, which we continue to do. For most people I knew who homeschooled, at high school they decided to send the kids to public or christian school because there is a lot of record keeping involved if you want your child to graduate with the school district diploma. Now that we are done with Junior High for Trevor I've been looking at High School and what he needs to do in 4 years according to the state of Iowa.
For High School 9th - 12th Grade students need to complete credits. A credit would be either 2/3 of a public school textbook or 120 hours on a certain subject. They also need to take ITBS and pass at 40% level.
When I look back at my high school and maybe kids in high school now I wish my parents would have known the in's and out's of what was needed to graduate. In many cases kids could graduate early.
I had a full-time summer job that in 6 weeks I could have earned a elective credit for in occupational skills. 12- 40hour weeks at that job and there I have 2 credits of the 8 credits in electives. Summer reading of 120 hours worth would account for 1 credit in English. Doing chores over the years at home I'm sure I had at least 120 hours in to account of another elective credit in home economics. But none of that counted cause my parents were unaware of things like that accounting for credits towards graduation.
One advantage of homeschooling is you do learn about Iowa laws in the education field which is at an advantage to your child/children.
So what credits do your children need in 4 years to graduate, English 4 credits, Social Studies 3 credits, Science 2 credits, Math 2 credits, P.E./Health 1 credit, Electives 8 credits.
Electives are just that, the extra so it can be working, chores, foreign language, music, art, home economics, bible, drama, volunteer work, studying of something they are interested in etc. As I said before a credit is 120 hours on a subject or 2/3 of a textbook.
I found it fascinating that kids only need 2 credits in Math. In a school year I'm sure the teacher gets through at least 2/3 of the text they are teaching and if a student would choose they would only need to do math for 2 of their 4 school years. Same with Science and only 3 years of Social Studies. So as a Senior depending on what your plan in life is you may only need to take an English class in the public school system your last year, if you have fulfilled the other credits plus your eight electives and passed at 40% or higher on ITBS.
Looking at all of this and going through Trevor's 4 year plan he very well could graduate early and get started in his college road to be whatever he has planned. I'm excited about these next 3 or 4 years as he continues to mature from a young man to a man and see where God is leading him.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Think Beyond Punishment
The human desire for short-term gratification is satisfied by jet planes that travel coast-to-coast in four hours, fast food outlets, and all manner of new and ever-faster electronic technologies. Because people are no longer accustomed to waiting patiently, they tend to become quickly frustrated when natural processes can’t be circumvented and they are forced to wait for a solution to “mature.” When that happens, people are inclined to begin unwittingly engaging in self-defeating behavior.
Over the past few decades, I’ve noticed this becoming more and more typical of today’s parents concerning disciplinary solutions. In other words, when a parent’s disciplinary response to a specific misbehavior doesn’t result in a near-instant cure, the parent becomes frustrated and begins zigging and zagging all over the parenting playing field, trying one approach after another, accomplishing nothing.
Some of these parents eventually talk to me. They tell me they’ve tried “everything.” That’s the problem, of course. When I ask one of them to describe the history of their approach to the problem in question, it’s almost inevitable that at least one of the strategies—or some variation thereof—probably would have borne fruit had the parents stuck to their proverbial guns.
Then there’s the problem of the magnitude of the consequences that today’s parents use. Most of them try to stop charging elephants with flyswatters (e.g., 4-year-old hits his mother and receives ten minutes in time-out). When I propose using the disciplinary equivalent of an atom bomb (e.g., said child spends a month in his room, except for absolutely necessary “paroles,” with early bedtime to relieve his boredom) the common reaction is momentary speechlessness, then “Isn’t that, well, rather harsh?”
Not even close. He has a nice room, doesn’t he? Ultimately, it is in the best interest of a child that misbehavior be stopped as quickly as possible. The best research consistently says that the most obedient children are also the happiest. That makes sense, especially given that in adulthood, disobedient and disgruntled go hand-in-glove.
I tell parents to think beyond punishment. Merely punishing a given misbehavior often does nothing but minimize it, therefore requiring ongoing punishment. Think instead of eliminating the misbehavior—to use your great-grandmother’s parenting vernacular, of “nipping it in the bud.” The first time a given misbehavior occurs, respond with a consequence that is “atomic”—one that sends a calm, determined message of complete intolerance. Stop fighting one small skirmish after another. Use the A-bomb right off the bat. Then, wait. Sometimes, even A-bombs take time to work their magic.
Several weeks ago, a parent wrote to tell me that after eight years of almost complete restriction—almost no social life or any other privileges—her son, now a sophomore in high school, is finally making the grades he was capable of making all along (and is a much happier camper as a result). Eight years, during which time he complained constantly to his parents that their expectations were too high and that nothing he did would ever satisfy them, all the while performing well below par in the attempt to prove his case. To their inestimable credit, they stayed the course, all the while taking lots of flak from their peers, many of whom, I’d venture, are experts at flailing away with flyswatters.
Their story simply proves that there is no such thing as McDiscipline.
Over the past few decades, I’ve noticed this becoming more and more typical of today’s parents concerning disciplinary solutions. In other words, when a parent’s disciplinary response to a specific misbehavior doesn’t result in a near-instant cure, the parent becomes frustrated and begins zigging and zagging all over the parenting playing field, trying one approach after another, accomplishing nothing.
Some of these parents eventually talk to me. They tell me they’ve tried “everything.” That’s the problem, of course. When I ask one of them to describe the history of their approach to the problem in question, it’s almost inevitable that at least one of the strategies—or some variation thereof—probably would have borne fruit had the parents stuck to their proverbial guns.
Then there’s the problem of the magnitude of the consequences that today’s parents use. Most of them try to stop charging elephants with flyswatters (e.g., 4-year-old hits his mother and receives ten minutes in time-out). When I propose using the disciplinary equivalent of an atom bomb (e.g., said child spends a month in his room, except for absolutely necessary “paroles,” with early bedtime to relieve his boredom) the common reaction is momentary speechlessness, then “Isn’t that, well, rather harsh?”
Not even close. He has a nice room, doesn’t he? Ultimately, it is in the best interest of a child that misbehavior be stopped as quickly as possible. The best research consistently says that the most obedient children are also the happiest. That makes sense, especially given that in adulthood, disobedient and disgruntled go hand-in-glove.
I tell parents to think beyond punishment. Merely punishing a given misbehavior often does nothing but minimize it, therefore requiring ongoing punishment. Think instead of eliminating the misbehavior—to use your great-grandmother’s parenting vernacular, of “nipping it in the bud.” The first time a given misbehavior occurs, respond with a consequence that is “atomic”—one that sends a calm, determined message of complete intolerance. Stop fighting one small skirmish after another. Use the A-bomb right off the bat. Then, wait. Sometimes, even A-bombs take time to work their magic.
Several weeks ago, a parent wrote to tell me that after eight years of almost complete restriction—almost no social life or any other privileges—her son, now a sophomore in high school, is finally making the grades he was capable of making all along (and is a much happier camper as a result). Eight years, during which time he complained constantly to his parents that their expectations were too high and that nothing he did would ever satisfy them, all the while performing well below par in the attempt to prove his case. To their inestimable credit, they stayed the course, all the while taking lots of flak from their peers, many of whom, I’d venture, are experts at flailing away with flyswatters.
Their story simply proves that there is no such thing as McDiscipline.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Freewill and Choices
I'm reading Parenting By the Book again because it is a very good book and gets to the heart of parenting before all these psychologist started getting involved and telling us how we were all messing up our kids. It goes with the Grandma child training, from teaching your children to be good citizens and respectful. Another reminder throughout the book is how we all have a freewill.
God created each and every person on this earth. He started with Adam and Eve. He made them different then rats, mice, dogs etc. So when you hear studies done with this animals or others to explain human behavior they can be easily dismissed because humans are the only creatures given freewill. Adam and Eve had everything we could ever dream of. Everything but one tree. God told them they could not eat of the fruit of this one tree otherwise all their needs were taken care of. But because of freewill and God allows us to make choices, Eve was tempted and choose to eat of the fruit of the one forbidden tree.
When it comes to parenting why do I think that I can raise almost perfect children. I'm not perfect, in fact I screw up somehow probably everyday. I make wrong choices and have all my life. I have also of course made good choices too. But we are all sinners and so are our children. Which is why when they do make wrong choices we need to follow through with a punishment. Just as we have punishments for our wrong choices. In a perfect world we would always do the right thing, be selfless, loving and serving others. But it is a fallen world and we all fall short including our children. I've really been blind-sided by that this week in dealing with wrong choices made by my children. So why am I dumbfounded by this, feeling like a terrible mom and very guilty of a bad choice made by an offspring. As I said earlier Adam and Eve had everything and still made a bad choice which has effected us today. We need to strive to make the right choices and have to deal with the consequences when we don't. We need to remember that our children are also still learning and will continue to make wrong choices as well. We can teach them and train them but we can't get rid of the freewill God has given to them.
There will be a time or times in your parenting where your children will make bad choices. It will be hard sometimes to deal with but just as God forgives us and teaches us we need to deal with the bad choice and move on and hope that next time the same situation appears they will make a better choice.
God created each and every person on this earth. He started with Adam and Eve. He made them different then rats, mice, dogs etc. So when you hear studies done with this animals or others to explain human behavior they can be easily dismissed because humans are the only creatures given freewill. Adam and Eve had everything we could ever dream of. Everything but one tree. God told them they could not eat of the fruit of this one tree otherwise all their needs were taken care of. But because of freewill and God allows us to make choices, Eve was tempted and choose to eat of the fruit of the one forbidden tree.
When it comes to parenting why do I think that I can raise almost perfect children. I'm not perfect, in fact I screw up somehow probably everyday. I make wrong choices and have all my life. I have also of course made good choices too. But we are all sinners and so are our children. Which is why when they do make wrong choices we need to follow through with a punishment. Just as we have punishments for our wrong choices. In a perfect world we would always do the right thing, be selfless, loving and serving others. But it is a fallen world and we all fall short including our children. I've really been blind-sided by that this week in dealing with wrong choices made by my children. So why am I dumbfounded by this, feeling like a terrible mom and very guilty of a bad choice made by an offspring. As I said earlier Adam and Eve had everything and still made a bad choice which has effected us today. We need to strive to make the right choices and have to deal with the consequences when we don't. We need to remember that our children are also still learning and will continue to make wrong choices as well. We can teach them and train them but we can't get rid of the freewill God has given to them.
There will be a time or times in your parenting where your children will make bad choices. It will be hard sometimes to deal with but just as God forgives us and teaches us we need to deal with the bad choice and move on and hope that next time the same situation appears they will make a better choice.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Big Blueprint
God has given us a blueprint for living creative, productive, fulfilling lives and experiencing fulfilling relationships with one another and with him. The blueprint is known as the Old and New Testaments of the Bible.
The Bible incorporates a number of smaller blueprints for every aspect of living, including marriage (a permanent, faithful relationship between a man and a women), conducting business, forming and living in a healthy societies (laws must be obeyed), and the rearing of children (proper discipline is as critical to proper child rearing as is love; the education of the children is the responsibility of parents).
Because God created us in his image, we possess free will. This freedom includes the freedom to choose whether we obey God, whether we live our lives in accord with his blueprints for living. Choices result in consequences. The ultimate consequence of obeying God is good. The ultimate consequence of disobeying God is the opposite of good.
The risks of attempting to raise a child without regard for God's blueprint for child rearing, as clearly set forth in his Big Blueprint, include a child who is ill-behaved, disrespectful, destructive and self-destructive, irresponsible, inattentive, careless, aggressive, self-centered, deceitful and so on. The risks to the child's parents include chronic frustration, stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, conflict, and guilt.
The sad tragic fact is that most American parents, even many believers in Christ have deviated from God's child-rearing blueprint in raising their children. This alone explains why child rearing has become the single most stressful, frustrating anxiety-and guilt-ridden thing American adults (especially females) will ever do.
But any parent who so chooses can realign his or her child rearing with God's plan will begin to experience success.
-John Rosemond
The Bible incorporates a number of smaller blueprints for every aspect of living, including marriage (a permanent, faithful relationship between a man and a women), conducting business, forming and living in a healthy societies (laws must be obeyed), and the rearing of children (proper discipline is as critical to proper child rearing as is love; the education of the children is the responsibility of parents).
Because God created us in his image, we possess free will. This freedom includes the freedom to choose whether we obey God, whether we live our lives in accord with his blueprints for living. Choices result in consequences. The ultimate consequence of obeying God is good. The ultimate consequence of disobeying God is the opposite of good.
The risks of attempting to raise a child without regard for God's blueprint for child rearing, as clearly set forth in his Big Blueprint, include a child who is ill-behaved, disrespectful, destructive and self-destructive, irresponsible, inattentive, careless, aggressive, self-centered, deceitful and so on. The risks to the child's parents include chronic frustration, stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, conflict, and guilt.
The sad tragic fact is that most American parents, even many believers in Christ have deviated from God's child-rearing blueprint in raising their children. This alone explains why child rearing has become the single most stressful, frustrating anxiety-and guilt-ridden thing American adults (especially females) will ever do.
But any parent who so chooses can realign his or her child rearing with God's plan will begin to experience success.
-John Rosemond
Monday, January 10, 2011
Did not see this coming
When I first got pregnant in 1995, Darryl and I had decided that I would quit my job and stay home. I myself could never imagine sending my infant to a babysitters or daycare for 8 or more hours a day. I wanted to nurse them and do what I felt God calling me to do which was stay home full time. I figured when the kids were in school full-time I would go back to work part-time so I could be home when they were done with school and help out at school. In 1998 along came Alivia whom we had planned and so I had at least 5 more years at home. We learned to work on a budget and cut back on things we didn't need. Nothing could replace that precious time I had with the kids to teach them before they were off to school. We prayed for 2 years about any more kids since I wanted another. Darryl because of being 10 years older then me was satisfied with the two we had and didn't want to be old by the time the last was 18 and graduating. So I asked God to either give me a content heart or to change Darryl's mind. Well he changed me and we stopped at two.
When Trevor was 3 he started preschool in Mt.Vernon and on his road to learning in school. Then came 4 year old preschool and he too was enrolled in Mt.Vernon for that and that was when God started to peak my interest in homeschooling. At the time no one I knew homeschooled although some from our church had but now their kids were in high school at the public school. I brought the idea up to Darryl and his first response was NO! He too didn't know of anyone who homeschooled and I guess because living in Lisbon and the weird "you gotta send your kids to Lisbon" mind set in this town he was against the idea. I told him to pray about it first before he said no. A few months later I checked in with him and he said no he had not prayed about it, but would. Well the end of 4 year old preschool was coming and since Trevor has a May birthday I was going to do AK with him anyhow to give him the extra advantage of being one of the older ones in his class and not having to struggle as much.
The more I prayed and did research on homeschooling the more I felt God calling me to do this for our kids. I talked with Darryl again and told him I can't mess up AK because I know my ABC, shapes, colors, numbers etc. He agreed and we would take one year at a time. I knew this first year had to be good and Darryl had to see that this was the best education our child could receive. Well, he did and we have been homeschooling ever since. We continue to take one year at a time and talk to the kids about what they want and if they want to try public school or not. I believe Trevor will graduate as being a homeschooler through the Marion Home School Assistance Program and with Alivia it is still up in the air.
When I was pregnant with Trevor I would have NEVER thought that I would be spending everyday, all day with my children by homeschooling. But it was not my plan but God's and He of course knew this is what we would do and this time changed Darryl's heart to accept that this was the best education for his kids and if people in this town don't understand who cares.
I'm sure a lot of people thought we were crazy and talked about us but I would rather have them do that then to go against God's calling. Then after we took the big leap of faith others watching us decided too as well. Now there are many homeschoolers in the Lisbon/Mt.Vernon area and the kids are able to get together and hang out.
These were the choices we made for our family with God's guidance. He doesn't give everyone or every Christian the same path but He will guide you on your path that He wants you to go. I didn't see this coming 14 years ago when I held that baby boy in my arms but I'm so happy for the path that we are on.
Today is a good day for you to seek God and see if you are on His path or your path. He with pray will make the answer very clear. The hard part for you maybe following the path He wants you to take. But it is SO worth it in the end.
When Trevor was 3 he started preschool in Mt.Vernon and on his road to learning in school. Then came 4 year old preschool and he too was enrolled in Mt.Vernon for that and that was when God started to peak my interest in homeschooling. At the time no one I knew homeschooled although some from our church had but now their kids were in high school at the public school. I brought the idea up to Darryl and his first response was NO! He too didn't know of anyone who homeschooled and I guess because living in Lisbon and the weird "you gotta send your kids to Lisbon" mind set in this town he was against the idea. I told him to pray about it first before he said no. A few months later I checked in with him and he said no he had not prayed about it, but would. Well the end of 4 year old preschool was coming and since Trevor has a May birthday I was going to do AK with him anyhow to give him the extra advantage of being one of the older ones in his class and not having to struggle as much.
The more I prayed and did research on homeschooling the more I felt God calling me to do this for our kids. I talked with Darryl again and told him I can't mess up AK because I know my ABC, shapes, colors, numbers etc. He agreed and we would take one year at a time. I knew this first year had to be good and Darryl had to see that this was the best education our child could receive. Well, he did and we have been homeschooling ever since. We continue to take one year at a time and talk to the kids about what they want and if they want to try public school or not. I believe Trevor will graduate as being a homeschooler through the Marion Home School Assistance Program and with Alivia it is still up in the air.
When I was pregnant with Trevor I would have NEVER thought that I would be spending everyday, all day with my children by homeschooling. But it was not my plan but God's and He of course knew this is what we would do and this time changed Darryl's heart to accept that this was the best education for his kids and if people in this town don't understand who cares.
I'm sure a lot of people thought we were crazy and talked about us but I would rather have them do that then to go against God's calling. Then after we took the big leap of faith others watching us decided too as well. Now there are many homeschoolers in the Lisbon/Mt.Vernon area and the kids are able to get together and hang out.
These were the choices we made for our family with God's guidance. He doesn't give everyone or every Christian the same path but He will guide you on your path that He wants you to go. I didn't see this coming 14 years ago when I held that baby boy in my arms but I'm so happy for the path that we are on.
Today is a good day for you to seek God and see if you are on His path or your path. He with pray will make the answer very clear. The hard part for you maybe following the path He wants you to take. But it is SO worth it in the end.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
New Year Parenting Resolutions..must read!
Given that this is the first column of a new year, I'm proposing a number of parenting New Year's Resolutions for my readers to consider. The list is by no means comprehensive. It's just a good beginning on what is probably a much-needed family revolution:
1. We will not throw expensive "event parties" for our children on their birthdays. Instead, we will confine all birthday celebrations to our family, including extended family. We will keep it uncomplicated: a special dinner of the birthday boy or girl's favorite food, a cake, the obligatory song, and a few simple gifts, mostly clothing or other useful things.
2. We will spend at least as much time helping our children develop good manners as do helping them get good grades in school, which means we will cut back significantly on the time helping with the latter (in consideration of the fact that good manners, which are expressions of respect for others, will take one further in life than will good grades). Each week, we will work on one specific social courtesy, such as saying "excuse me" when you walk in front of someone. Taking two weeks off, that's fifty courtesies a year!
3. We will show our love for our neighbors by properly disciplining our children, insisting on proper behavior, and reprimanding immediately (even if that means in front of other people) when they behave otherwise, and on those occasions we will also insist they apologize appropriately.
4. If we have not already done so, we will assign a routine of daily chores to each of our children (at least those who have reached their third birthdays) and we will insist that said chores be done, and done properly, before they engage in recreation or relaxation.
5. When our children ask us for cell phones, we will tell them that they may have cell phones when they are able to pay for them as well as the monthly bills.
6. When our children complain that they are the only kids who don't have cell phones (and do chores), we will tell them that learning how to be different is character-building.
7. Our children will not be able to order customized meals unless we take them to a restaurant. At home, they will eat what we are eating, and they will sit at the table until they are finished. We will do this so that when they are invited to eat at someone else's home, they will be the best of guests.
8. We will surely bond with our children, but we will not bond with them in the marital bed, nor will we bond with them in their beds.
9. In keeping with number 8, we will put our marriage first and our children second...for their sake as well as ours. They will revolve around us; thus, they will not grow up thinking the world revolves around them.
10. If I am a single parent, I will take good care of myself for my sake as well as my children's. I will have an active, adult's only, social life. I will take plenty of personal time to simply relax and do those things I like to do. I will do all of that so that my children will not ever think the world revolves around them.
11. We/I will put our/my children to bed early so that we/I can end each day reconnecting as a couple or relaxing as a single.
12. We will eat as a family around our own table at least six nights a week.
13. We will keep after-school activities to a minimum, and only let them enroll in activities that do not prevent us from delivering on number 11.
14. Instead of buying our children expensive things, we will help them develop hobbies and take them to museums and on trips.
15. We will do all of the above so that when they grow up, they will have wonderful memories of their childhoods and raise our grandchildren in a manner that honors us.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
1. We will not throw expensive "event parties" for our children on their birthdays. Instead, we will confine all birthday celebrations to our family, including extended family. We will keep it uncomplicated: a special dinner of the birthday boy or girl's favorite food, a cake, the obligatory song, and a few simple gifts, mostly clothing or other useful things.
2. We will spend at least as much time helping our children develop good manners as do helping them get good grades in school, which means we will cut back significantly on the time helping with the latter (in consideration of the fact that good manners, which are expressions of respect for others, will take one further in life than will good grades). Each week, we will work on one specific social courtesy, such as saying "excuse me" when you walk in front of someone. Taking two weeks off, that's fifty courtesies a year!
3. We will show our love for our neighbors by properly disciplining our children, insisting on proper behavior, and reprimanding immediately (even if that means in front of other people) when they behave otherwise, and on those occasions we will also insist they apologize appropriately.
4. If we have not already done so, we will assign a routine of daily chores to each of our children (at least those who have reached their third birthdays) and we will insist that said chores be done, and done properly, before they engage in recreation or relaxation.
5. When our children ask us for cell phones, we will tell them that they may have cell phones when they are able to pay for them as well as the monthly bills.
6. When our children complain that they are the only kids who don't have cell phones (and do chores), we will tell them that learning how to be different is character-building.
7. Our children will not be able to order customized meals unless we take them to a restaurant. At home, they will eat what we are eating, and they will sit at the table until they are finished. We will do this so that when they are invited to eat at someone else's home, they will be the best of guests.
8. We will surely bond with our children, but we will not bond with them in the marital bed, nor will we bond with them in their beds.
9. In keeping with number 8, we will put our marriage first and our children second...for their sake as well as ours. They will revolve around us; thus, they will not grow up thinking the world revolves around them.
10. If I am a single parent, I will take good care of myself for my sake as well as my children's. I will have an active, adult's only, social life. I will take plenty of personal time to simply relax and do those things I like to do. I will do all of that so that my children will not ever think the world revolves around them.
11. We/I will put our/my children to bed early so that we/I can end each day reconnecting as a couple or relaxing as a single.
12. We will eat as a family around our own table at least six nights a week.
13. We will keep after-school activities to a minimum, and only let them enroll in activities that do not prevent us from delivering on number 11.
14. Instead of buying our children expensive things, we will help them develop hobbies and take them to museums and on trips.
15. We will do all of the above so that when they grow up, they will have wonderful memories of their childhoods and raise our grandchildren in a manner that honors us.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Monday, January 3, 2011
3 Radical Parenting Suggestions
If you want your child to become a winner, then I have 3 radical suggestions:
1) So "no" to his/her request more often then you say "yes."
"No" is the most character-building two-letter word in the English language. Children who hear "no" sufficiently often learn to tolerate frustration. This tolerance enables them to preserve in the face of obstacles and adversity, and perseverance, need I remind you, is the essential ingredient in any success story. Whether the pursuit be vocational or avocational, social or spiritual, perseverance makes the difference between those who consistently reach goals and those who don't. It may sound strange to say, but if you want to help your child develop a successful attitude toward challenges of life, you must not be afraid to frustrate him.
2)Buy your child very few toys. Parents tell me that today's children complain of being bored more than they complain of anything else. This is new. Boredom was something I didn't know as a child, and I wasn't alone. I've asked countless numbers of people who raised children in the '40's and '50's, "Did your child frequently complain of being bored?" "No," is their answer.
Why not? Because when the people of my generation were children we didn't have a lot of toys. We had to learn, therefore, how to do a lot with relatively little. And that's what resourcefulness is all about.
3) Don't let your children watch much television, especially during their preschool years. The developmental skills that comprise and support the act of reading are acquired during the preschool years in the course of the most natural of childhood activities, play. Television-watching is neither a natural nor playful activity. It is passivity.
By John Rosemond book: "Because I said So!"
1) So "no" to his/her request more often then you say "yes."
"No" is the most character-building two-letter word in the English language. Children who hear "no" sufficiently often learn to tolerate frustration. This tolerance enables them to preserve in the face of obstacles and adversity, and perseverance, need I remind you, is the essential ingredient in any success story. Whether the pursuit be vocational or avocational, social or spiritual, perseverance makes the difference between those who consistently reach goals and those who don't. It may sound strange to say, but if you want to help your child develop a successful attitude toward challenges of life, you must not be afraid to frustrate him.
2)Buy your child very few toys. Parents tell me that today's children complain of being bored more than they complain of anything else. This is new. Boredom was something I didn't know as a child, and I wasn't alone. I've asked countless numbers of people who raised children in the '40's and '50's, "Did your child frequently complain of being bored?" "No," is their answer.
Why not? Because when the people of my generation were children we didn't have a lot of toys. We had to learn, therefore, how to do a lot with relatively little. And that's what resourcefulness is all about.
3) Don't let your children watch much television, especially during their preschool years. The developmental skills that comprise and support the act of reading are acquired during the preschool years in the course of the most natural of childhood activities, play. Television-watching is neither a natural nor playful activity. It is passivity.
By John Rosemond book: "Because I said So!"
Friday, December 31, 2010
The end of 2010
Well today is the last day of 2010. As I reflect on this year it has been a hard one. From about May-October our family went through different trials, and it seemed like one after the other. God was so very good to us to help and guide us through different things and showed us the path to take and let us know that He was there the whole time to help us through. We came through stronger as a family and thankful to have had such loving friends to talk to and have them pray for us.
On a happier note looking back at this year some great things happened. We were able to spend July 4th and Thanksgiving with family from Ohio. Darryl and I coached fall soccer and had a great time with the kids. From coaching Alivia made some non-christian friends whom are now going to AWANA with her. Trevor and I both detasseled for the first time and survived and will probably do it again next year. Alivia had an undefeated soccer season with Parks and Rec. she also played parks and rec. basketball for the first time and really liked it. So she has started in on another basketball team with many of the girls from parks and rec. My niece got married and again we were together as a family. Darryl celebrated in June, 25 years at Lloyd Table Company. We are very thankful for his job and the fact that I don't have to work and can stay home and school the kids. After saving for 2 years I was able to go back to NYC in October with the girls. We continue to see more new things and have a great time shopping. I went over to New Jersey and visited Carlos Bakery home of the TLC show Cake Boss and was able to bring home some cupcakes for the kids. In February Trevor was officially taller then Darryl. He continues to grow and I continue to have to buy him clothes and shoes because he keeps growing. Darryl celebrated his 30 year class reunion in August at Sauerkraut Days plus sold his prize possession his '63 Chevy II Nova that he had had for many years. I continue to run outside and since we had a great early spring I was able to get out of the gym and outside in March. I lost 10 pounds this spring/summer from running but found it to be a great stress release from the trials as most of the time I would pray during my 3 mile run. Darryl and I both did some 5K's and my time continues to improve. Darryl went to at least 1 Nascar race and then to a big gun show with some friends.
I'm sure there is more that I could write but they are not coming to mind. I'm glad that through the trials there were a lot of positive things happening and things that kept us all busy.
I'm truly thankful for my close friends and for those who love me in-spite of all my faults. I'm thankful to have 2 healthy wonderful children, a husband who loves me for better or worse which we had both this year, and for family who make me laugh when we are all together.
For 2011 I hope for there to not be so many trials in our lives , for continued health for my family, for my friendships to continue to grow stronger, for us to be able to stay on our budget and for all of us to grow in our faith.
Wishing you a very Happy New Year and that when you reflect back on 2010 I hope you too can have more positives then negatives in your life.
Happy New Year!!!!
On a happier note looking back at this year some great things happened. We were able to spend July 4th and Thanksgiving with family from Ohio. Darryl and I coached fall soccer and had a great time with the kids. From coaching Alivia made some non-christian friends whom are now going to AWANA with her. Trevor and I both detasseled for the first time and survived and will probably do it again next year. Alivia had an undefeated soccer season with Parks and Rec. she also played parks and rec. basketball for the first time and really liked it. So she has started in on another basketball team with many of the girls from parks and rec. My niece got married and again we were together as a family. Darryl celebrated in June, 25 years at Lloyd Table Company. We are very thankful for his job and the fact that I don't have to work and can stay home and school the kids. After saving for 2 years I was able to go back to NYC in October with the girls. We continue to see more new things and have a great time shopping. I went over to New Jersey and visited Carlos Bakery home of the TLC show Cake Boss and was able to bring home some cupcakes for the kids. In February Trevor was officially taller then Darryl. He continues to grow and I continue to have to buy him clothes and shoes because he keeps growing. Darryl celebrated his 30 year class reunion in August at Sauerkraut Days plus sold his prize possession his '63 Chevy II Nova that he had had for many years. I continue to run outside and since we had a great early spring I was able to get out of the gym and outside in March. I lost 10 pounds this spring/summer from running but found it to be a great stress release from the trials as most of the time I would pray during my 3 mile run. Darryl and I both did some 5K's and my time continues to improve. Darryl went to at least 1 Nascar race and then to a big gun show with some friends.
I'm sure there is more that I could write but they are not coming to mind. I'm glad that through the trials there were a lot of positive things happening and things that kept us all busy.
I'm truly thankful for my close friends and for those who love me in-spite of all my faults. I'm thankful to have 2 healthy wonderful children, a husband who loves me for better or worse which we had both this year, and for family who make me laugh when we are all together.
For 2011 I hope for there to not be so many trials in our lives , for continued health for my family, for my friendships to continue to grow stronger, for us to be able to stay on our budget and for all of us to grow in our faith.
Wishing you a very Happy New Year and that when you reflect back on 2010 I hope you too can have more positives then negatives in your life.
Happy New Year!!!!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Rules
The successful rearing of a child is a matter of three simple rules, or understandings. These rules, as will become readily apparent, cannot be communicated to infants or young toddlers. Properly timed, the communication begins when a child is around eighteen months of age, give or take a few months. The introduction of these rules into a child's life almost invariably causes great consternation, to the point sometimes of rage. The reason for this is quite simple: There have been no rules at all to speak of before this time. Well, that's not exactly accurate. For eighteen months, the child has been led to believe the he rules. These three rules are not just new, however, but contradict the child's understanding of how the world works. They upset the child's applecart, so to speak, because the child had every reason to believe he ran the show, and would do so forever.
So, the child screams in protest of the rules, denies that his parents are capable of enforcing them, and does many destructive things to demonstrate his defiance. This upheaval goes by the popular term "The Terrible Twos." If parents "stay the course" through this much maligned stage, then by his or her third birthday, the child will have accepted that the rules are fixed, as in permanent.
First rule(from parent to child): "From this point on in our relationship, child of mine, you will pay much more attention to me than I will ever again, as a general rule, give to you."
Rule two: "You will do as I say."
Rule three: "You will do what I say not because of bribe, brutality, threat or persuasive explanation. You will do as I say because I say so. Period."
These three rules are indispensable to the parent-child relationship. They are the foundation of the child's "disciple-ship" and, therefore his or her later success in every dimension of life.
By John Rosemond
So, the child screams in protest of the rules, denies that his parents are capable of enforcing them, and does many destructive things to demonstrate his defiance. This upheaval goes by the popular term "The Terrible Twos." If parents "stay the course" through this much maligned stage, then by his or her third birthday, the child will have accepted that the rules are fixed, as in permanent.
First rule(from parent to child): "From this point on in our relationship, child of mine, you will pay much more attention to me than I will ever again, as a general rule, give to you."
Rule two: "You will do as I say."
Rule three: "You will do what I say not because of bribe, brutality, threat or persuasive explanation. You will do as I say because I say so. Period."
These three rules are indispensable to the parent-child relationship. They are the foundation of the child's "disciple-ship" and, therefore his or her later success in every dimension of life.
By John Rosemond
Monday, December 20, 2010
Life in the past
Once upon a time, people got married, had children, and reared them. It wasn't something they spent a lot of time fussing and fretting over. It was just something they did, along with planting seeds in the spring and harvesting them in the fall. If they came up against a child-rearing problem, they sought advice from grandparents and great-aunts or older brothers and sisters who'd already started their families. These were the experts of not so long ago, and they gave practical advise based on real-life experiences.
Along came a war and then a baby boom. Young parents took their children and went looking for the promised land. From the ashes of the extended family rose an entirely different class of child-rearing experts. Ones with degrees, nameplates on their doors, and large, mahogany desks.
It wasn't long before rhetoric replaced reality as the primary shaper of our child-rearing practices. Nonsense replaced common sense. American families became child-centered, and American parents became permissive. And not surprisingly, American children became self-centered, self-indulgent, spoiled, sassy, and out of control. By John Rosemond in his book "Because I Said So".
I may be at church, Walmart, the mall, a sporting event, the movies or even family gatherings and I think what is the future going to be like with these kids running our country. I see parents whose lives revolve around their kids and their sports or other activities. When I help in the nursery I always put the same few kids in timeout and their parents never ask how they were that day. I see such lack of discipline and a lot of giving in. Saying No but never following through. I just had a conversation with my brother about this as he told his daughter no twice and then by the time I returned to the room she was doing in front of him what he told her no to twice. So I gave him parenting 101 advise and it's biblical as well. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Or you could add spare the rod spoil the child.
Parents you need to go back to common sense and stop listening to people with big mahogany desk. Listen to truth and do the correct thing. A great book is "Parenting By the Book" by John Rosemond that really gets into scripture and shows you what God's word says about children raising. Read it and get back to reality instead of raising your kids in a fantasy land where life revolves around them.
Along came a war and then a baby boom. Young parents took their children and went looking for the promised land. From the ashes of the extended family rose an entirely different class of child-rearing experts. Ones with degrees, nameplates on their doors, and large, mahogany desks.
It wasn't long before rhetoric replaced reality as the primary shaper of our child-rearing practices. Nonsense replaced common sense. American families became child-centered, and American parents became permissive. And not surprisingly, American children became self-centered, self-indulgent, spoiled, sassy, and out of control. By John Rosemond in his book "Because I Said So".
I may be at church, Walmart, the mall, a sporting event, the movies or even family gatherings and I think what is the future going to be like with these kids running our country. I see parents whose lives revolve around their kids and their sports or other activities. When I help in the nursery I always put the same few kids in timeout and their parents never ask how they were that day. I see such lack of discipline and a lot of giving in. Saying No but never following through. I just had a conversation with my brother about this as he told his daughter no twice and then by the time I returned to the room she was doing in front of him what he told her no to twice. So I gave him parenting 101 advise and it's biblical as well. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Or you could add spare the rod spoil the child.
Parents you need to go back to common sense and stop listening to people with big mahogany desk. Listen to truth and do the correct thing. A great book is "Parenting By the Book" by John Rosemond that really gets into scripture and shows you what God's word says about children raising. Read it and get back to reality instead of raising your kids in a fantasy land where life revolves around them.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Grandparents dismay over undisciplined grandkids/Parents get off your butts and DO something about it!!
This is a great question and answer. Some of you may have the kids that are wild and you don't take control of the situation. Or maybe you are the grandparents and have had it up to here with your children and lack of discipline. Sometimes for me it's my nephews. I think I do discipline at every family gathering as I see them hitting each other or their 2 year old cousin. The parents oblivious to what is happening in their own little world. My parents even direct their grandchildren to stop running or doing this or that with the parents right there not saying a thing. With Christmas coming this maybe of help for many of you....parents and grandparents.
Q: Help! Whenever our two adult children, their spouses, and our four school-age grandchildren (tweenagers, all) visit us, as they did this past Thanksgiving, chaos reigns. The children are nothing short of wild. They run, jump, and scatter toys and clothing all over the place, all with much yelling and screaming. They act like they're on vacation at a beach rental, and the parents do little to control the situation. We have tolerated this for some time now because we don't want to create discomfort for our guests. But we've pretty much had it. Do we talk to the parents or should we just discipline when we feel discipline is needed?
A: This can be the stickiest of wickets, one that I'm hearing about from an ever-increasing number of grandparents. Apparently, too many of today's parents fail to realize that proper parenting is an expression of love and respect for one's neighbors, including friends and relatives. Lacking such fundamental social awareness (they have some mass disorder, no doubt), they inflict their little (and sometimes, as in this case, not so little) terrors on everyone who is kind enough to let them in the door.
Willie and I laid down the law early on concerning grandchild behavior in our home. We told the kids that two rules prevailed: First, when in Rome do as the Romans do, and when the Romans come to you, do as the Romans do. Second, it is our job to spoil, your job to discipline; do not do our job and we won't have to do yours. That pretty much sums up the grandparent/parent relationship.
Thankfully, our kids were and are still on board with our expectations. We certainly aren't draconian, but things like running, jumping on furniture, loud noises, and disobedience (in any form) are not allowed. Those clear understandings make for much better visits for adults and children alike.
Were I in your shoes, I would take this issue up with the parents. If you react to the grandchildren's behavior out of the proverbial blue, and especially given the unfortunate precedents that have been set, you are likely to run afoul of parental protectiveness. Furthermore, you are not and should not be responsible for the discipline of your grandchildren. Their parents are responsible, and they should accept that obligation. Doing so is a matter of respect for you not to mention good guest etiquette (a word in danger of extinction).
Assuming you and Grandma are on the same page (Caution! Do not proceed unless that condition is satisfied!), talk to the parents. Tell them what bothers you and what your expectations are. No need to be critical, mind you. No need to imply that you don't approve of their parenting. Explain that the older one gets, the less tolerant one becomes of child chaos. It's true, unless one is blessed with hearing loss.
The parents, in turn, should convey your expectations, in no uncertain terms, to the grandchildren before they get in the car to come to your house and again in the driveway before everyone gets out of the car. They should make a further commitment to you that enforcement will not be in your court. And it really doesn't matter whether or not the parents agree with your expectations; they should back you unconditionally. That's one way parents teach children respect for adult authority.
Q: Help! Whenever our two adult children, their spouses, and our four school-age grandchildren (tweenagers, all) visit us, as they did this past Thanksgiving, chaos reigns. The children are nothing short of wild. They run, jump, and scatter toys and clothing all over the place, all with much yelling and screaming. They act like they're on vacation at a beach rental, and the parents do little to control the situation. We have tolerated this for some time now because we don't want to create discomfort for our guests. But we've pretty much had it. Do we talk to the parents or should we just discipline when we feel discipline is needed?
A: This can be the stickiest of wickets, one that I'm hearing about from an ever-increasing number of grandparents. Apparently, too many of today's parents fail to realize that proper parenting is an expression of love and respect for one's neighbors, including friends and relatives. Lacking such fundamental social awareness (they have some mass disorder, no doubt), they inflict their little (and sometimes, as in this case, not so little) terrors on everyone who is kind enough to let them in the door.
Willie and I laid down the law early on concerning grandchild behavior in our home. We told the kids that two rules prevailed: First, when in Rome do as the Romans do, and when the Romans come to you, do as the Romans do. Second, it is our job to spoil, your job to discipline; do not do our job and we won't have to do yours. That pretty much sums up the grandparent/parent relationship.
Thankfully, our kids were and are still on board with our expectations. We certainly aren't draconian, but things like running, jumping on furniture, loud noises, and disobedience (in any form) are not allowed. Those clear understandings make for much better visits for adults and children alike.
Were I in your shoes, I would take this issue up with the parents. If you react to the grandchildren's behavior out of the proverbial blue, and especially given the unfortunate precedents that have been set, you are likely to run afoul of parental protectiveness. Furthermore, you are not and should not be responsible for the discipline of your grandchildren. Their parents are responsible, and they should accept that obligation. Doing so is a matter of respect for you not to mention good guest etiquette (a word in danger of extinction).
Assuming you and Grandma are on the same page (Caution! Do not proceed unless that condition is satisfied!), talk to the parents. Tell them what bothers you and what your expectations are. No need to be critical, mind you. No need to imply that you don't approve of their parenting. Explain that the older one gets, the less tolerant one becomes of child chaos. It's true, unless one is blessed with hearing loss.
The parents, in turn, should convey your expectations, in no uncertain terms, to the grandchildren before they get in the car to come to your house and again in the driveway before everyone gets out of the car. They should make a further commitment to you that enforcement will not be in your court. And it really doesn't matter whether or not the parents agree with your expectations; they should back you unconditionally. That's one way parents teach children respect for adult authority.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Laziest kid in America
In their email to me, his parents call him "The Laziest Kid in America." The child in question, a third grader, hides his clothes rather than put them away properly (in truth, hiding them probably takes more effort), would sometimes rather poop in his britches than stop what he's doing and go to the bathroom, forgets to bring work to or from school almost daily, and is nasty to his parents when they don't give him his way. He's bright but his grades suffer because he doesn't do his work.
His mother says that he would love being confined to his room with books only because then he could be lazy all day, every day. He is currently on restriction with no after-school activities but doesn't seem to care. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this story, etcetera.
This little guy is proof of the fact that of all the species on the planet, only humans have the capacity to act deliberately in ways that are clearly contrary to their best interests. He is also a living example of another, related, aspect of human nature: proper consequences do not always produce proper behavior. Thus, the battle-cry of many a teenager: "I don't care what you do to me!"
Obviously, these parents are not in denial concerning their son's problems. They are not enablers. They have punished him appropriately for his irresponsibility. Under the circumstances, his stubborn laziness can be regarded as a clever form of defiance. Without being assertive, he is nonetheless asserting that no one has authority over him; that no one can tell The Almighty Him what to do. The fact that his defiance is not outwardly defiant is what makes it so "slippery" and therefore so frustrating. Most definitely, only an equally clever and slippery response will do, one that transfers frustration from parents to child. Another way of saying this: At the present time, the monkey of the problem is on the parents' backs. This child will not learn to tame his monkey until it's riding his back.
A home visit from my old friend "The Doctor" is in order. I advised the parents to sit down with TLKIA and tell him they had spoken to a doctor about his problems, which they have now put in list form and affixed to the door of the refrigerator. The Doctor says that his problems are all symptoms of sleep deprivation. Some children need more sleep than others, he says. Some children have a very, very difficult time getting enough sleep, he says. These sleepy children do things like poop in their pants and forget school work. The Doctor says sleep-deprived children often talk-back at their parents, back-talk being the sort of thing sleepy people do without thinking. Interestingly enough, sleep-deprived kids are usually smart kids. The better the brain works, the more sleep a person needs.
The Doctor, after careful consideration, has said that this child must go to bed every night, seven days a week, lights out, at 6:30 in the evening until everything on the list has completely disappeared for one month. During this time, he cannot watch television, use a computer, or participate in any after-school activity. So, if every symptom of sleep-deprivation disappears for three weeks and then TLKIA hides his clothes instead of putting them away, the month starts over again. The perceptive reader may correctly surmise that this could take quite some time. That's true, but then this problem didn't develop overnight. I sense, furthermore, that these parents are just the people for the job.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
His mother says that he would love being confined to his room with books only because then he could be lazy all day, every day. He is currently on restriction with no after-school activities but doesn't seem to care. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this story, etcetera.
This little guy is proof of the fact that of all the species on the planet, only humans have the capacity to act deliberately in ways that are clearly contrary to their best interests. He is also a living example of another, related, aspect of human nature: proper consequences do not always produce proper behavior. Thus, the battle-cry of many a teenager: "I don't care what you do to me!"
Obviously, these parents are not in denial concerning their son's problems. They are not enablers. They have punished him appropriately for his irresponsibility. Under the circumstances, his stubborn laziness can be regarded as a clever form of defiance. Without being assertive, he is nonetheless asserting that no one has authority over him; that no one can tell The Almighty Him what to do. The fact that his defiance is not outwardly defiant is what makes it so "slippery" and therefore so frustrating. Most definitely, only an equally clever and slippery response will do, one that transfers frustration from parents to child. Another way of saying this: At the present time, the monkey of the problem is on the parents' backs. This child will not learn to tame his monkey until it's riding his back.
A home visit from my old friend "The Doctor" is in order. I advised the parents to sit down with TLKIA and tell him they had spoken to a doctor about his problems, which they have now put in list form and affixed to the door of the refrigerator. The Doctor says that his problems are all symptoms of sleep deprivation. Some children need more sleep than others, he says. Some children have a very, very difficult time getting enough sleep, he says. These sleepy children do things like poop in their pants and forget school work. The Doctor says sleep-deprived children often talk-back at their parents, back-talk being the sort of thing sleepy people do without thinking. Interestingly enough, sleep-deprived kids are usually smart kids. The better the brain works, the more sleep a person needs.
The Doctor, after careful consideration, has said that this child must go to bed every night, seven days a week, lights out, at 6:30 in the evening until everything on the list has completely disappeared for one month. During this time, he cannot watch television, use a computer, or participate in any after-school activity. So, if every symptom of sleep-deprivation disappears for three weeks and then TLKIA hides his clothes instead of putting them away, the month starts over again. The perceptive reader may correctly surmise that this could take quite some time. That's true, but then this problem didn't develop overnight. I sense, furthermore, that these parents are just the people for the job.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Meloncholy Boy & Bragging Parent
One of the defining beliefs of this technological age is that with enough ingenuity and perseverance, any problem can be solved. It's a mis-belief, actually, because problems that are a function of the human condition do not always respond positively to human effort. This recently came to mind as I contemplated two questions submitted by readers.
The first came from the mother of a pre-teen boy whom she described as "a melancholy mess-moody, unaffectionate, and negative." He has been a minor league misanthrope since early on in his life, and mom does not want him taking this problem with him into the majors. On the positive side, he's good-looking, athletic, and artistic. What can I do to help get him out of his funk? Mom asks, to which I answer probably not much. After all, she's been trying without success for at least a decade.
In the first place, it is not the responsibility of parents to solve all of their children's problems before said children reach adulthood and emancipate, nor is it realistic to think that can be accomplished, even with colossal parental effort. This is especially the case when the problem in question is related to a child's temperament, which the research strongly suggests is inborn (although not necessarily inherited).
We all reach adulthood with problems our parents could not have solved for us. At that point, one either rises to the challenge or not. And even with complete commitment, some problems of living are not ever going to be solved. One just has to learn to live with them and do his or her best to contain them such that they don't affect others. Again, this is simply the consequence of being born human.
So my advice to this mom is to accept that her son's melancholy is his problem, not hers, and to remember that while human love does not conquer all, it always benefits both the lover and the loved. Besides, this good-looking, athletic boy is about to enter his teen years, during which both of those characteristics are going to be mightily rewarded by his peers. It may well be that a couple of years of positive feedback from kids his own age will accomplish for this youngster what his mom and dad cannot hope to accomplish.
The second question came from a woman whose sister-in-law is forever bragging about her talented children and putting down other parents whose kids are not so blessed (or cursed, depending on one's point of view). My petitioner wants to know how to handle her seemingly egomaniacal relative. I say "seemingly" because a mother who lives her life through her children in this manner is obviously covering up deep-seated feelings of personal inadequacy. She may also be over-investing in her kids to avoid dealing with problems in her marriage. In any case, she needs to put some boundaries between herself and her children and claim a valid adult life for herself. The probability of her doing this, however, is slim. That's most unfortunate, because when her kids leave home and establish lives of their own, she is likely to be a very unhappy individual.
No one is going to be able to say anything to this woman that will cause her to experience sudden self-revelation. Therefore, I advised my writer to stay away from her toxic sister-in-law as much as possible; and when she can't avoid her, to ignore her; and when she can't ignore her, to regard her as an unfortunate who deserves compassion, all the more so because she doesn't realize she's being slowly destroyed from within.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
The first came from the mother of a pre-teen boy whom she described as "a melancholy mess-moody, unaffectionate, and negative." He has been a minor league misanthrope since early on in his life, and mom does not want him taking this problem with him into the majors. On the positive side, he's good-looking, athletic, and artistic. What can I do to help get him out of his funk? Mom asks, to which I answer probably not much. After all, she's been trying without success for at least a decade.
In the first place, it is not the responsibility of parents to solve all of their children's problems before said children reach adulthood and emancipate, nor is it realistic to think that can be accomplished, even with colossal parental effort. This is especially the case when the problem in question is related to a child's temperament, which the research strongly suggests is inborn (although not necessarily inherited).
We all reach adulthood with problems our parents could not have solved for us. At that point, one either rises to the challenge or not. And even with complete commitment, some problems of living are not ever going to be solved. One just has to learn to live with them and do his or her best to contain them such that they don't affect others. Again, this is simply the consequence of being born human.
So my advice to this mom is to accept that her son's melancholy is his problem, not hers, and to remember that while human love does not conquer all, it always benefits both the lover and the loved. Besides, this good-looking, athletic boy is about to enter his teen years, during which both of those characteristics are going to be mightily rewarded by his peers. It may well be that a couple of years of positive feedback from kids his own age will accomplish for this youngster what his mom and dad cannot hope to accomplish.
The second question came from a woman whose sister-in-law is forever bragging about her talented children and putting down other parents whose kids are not so blessed (or cursed, depending on one's point of view). My petitioner wants to know how to handle her seemingly egomaniacal relative. I say "seemingly" because a mother who lives her life through her children in this manner is obviously covering up deep-seated feelings of personal inadequacy. She may also be over-investing in her kids to avoid dealing with problems in her marriage. In any case, she needs to put some boundaries between herself and her children and claim a valid adult life for herself. The probability of her doing this, however, is slim. That's most unfortunate, because when her kids leave home and establish lives of their own, she is likely to be a very unhappy individual.
No one is going to be able to say anything to this woman that will cause her to experience sudden self-revelation. Therefore, I advised my writer to stay away from her toxic sister-in-law as much as possible; and when she can't avoid her, to ignore her; and when she can't ignore her, to regard her as an unfortunate who deserves compassion, all the more so because she doesn't realize she's being slowly destroyed from within.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Parenting a tweenage and teenager
I've done different blogs about the book "Parenting By The Book" by John Rosemond and things that he has said that are true and helpful. Also I get his weekly column that gets published in many different newspapers around the USA.
Now I'm reading Teen-Proofing and it to is very good and I think I've included some stuff on Facebook about what he has said. So this morning as I'm reading it he is talking about kids and wanting the last word and how as parents we fight for us to have the last word and we don't need to engage our children in that but let them have the last word and just stick to your NO and leave but don't continue the battle. So that was really good and then he goes on about your children saying that they "hate" you in the heat of the argument and of course they really don't but they try to hit you where it hurts so you will change your no to yes.
Now the part I'm going to type to you from the book this is a direction our children are moving into that is wrong on behalf of the parents. I know I've said Trevor can live with us forever and do on-line college but that is because he is so easy of a child and very obedient to whatever we say. He is a rare breed. But our job as parents is to prepare them to leave. This to me is funny but true as I too loved my parents but didn't want to live with them for too long after high school. So here goes...........
" I once asked the 500 plus people in Nashville audience how many of you when you were teens truly liked your parents? Maybe 10 hands went up. This didn't surprise me because I didn't like my parents either when I was a teen. They annoyed me, inconvenienced me and made me angry on a regular basis. I couldn't wait to leave home, which simply means they did a good job of convincing me I could make a better life for myself than they were willing to make for me. "
"Today's parents, by all accounts, are not doing a very good job of convincing their children of this. When I was 20, I was married and on my own. The average age of economic emancipation in my generation was, in fact, 22 years old. Today, the average age is approaching 26. In my time, for a child to live at home well into his/her twenties was considered indication of something very odd in the parent-child relationship. Today it is considered normal."
"The researchers who discovered this trend were unable to explain it in terms of economics or the availability of jobs. They said, " The children of this generation have been given too much by parents who have been generally guilty of self-in-duced nearsightedness." (end of book)
Both my siblings and I were out of the house by 22 years old. I think I stayed the longest to age 21 years old. So mom and dad you did it right!! You prepared us the best you could to get out and make it on our own. Today's parents who still have teens at home need to start preparing them to leave and if your child is older then 22 and still living with you free of charge I guess you need to think about it and figure out a way for them to grow-up spread their own wings and fly away.
Now I'm reading Teen-Proofing and it to is very good and I think I've included some stuff on Facebook about what he has said. So this morning as I'm reading it he is talking about kids and wanting the last word and how as parents we fight for us to have the last word and we don't need to engage our children in that but let them have the last word and just stick to your NO and leave but don't continue the battle. So that was really good and then he goes on about your children saying that they "hate" you in the heat of the argument and of course they really don't but they try to hit you where it hurts so you will change your no to yes.
Now the part I'm going to type to you from the book this is a direction our children are moving into that is wrong on behalf of the parents. I know I've said Trevor can live with us forever and do on-line college but that is because he is so easy of a child and very obedient to whatever we say. He is a rare breed. But our job as parents is to prepare them to leave. This to me is funny but true as I too loved my parents but didn't want to live with them for too long after high school. So here goes...........
" I once asked the 500 plus people in Nashville audience how many of you when you were teens truly liked your parents? Maybe 10 hands went up. This didn't surprise me because I didn't like my parents either when I was a teen. They annoyed me, inconvenienced me and made me angry on a regular basis. I couldn't wait to leave home, which simply means they did a good job of convincing me I could make a better life for myself than they were willing to make for me. "
"Today's parents, by all accounts, are not doing a very good job of convincing their children of this. When I was 20, I was married and on my own. The average age of economic emancipation in my generation was, in fact, 22 years old. Today, the average age is approaching 26. In my time, for a child to live at home well into his/her twenties was considered indication of something very odd in the parent-child relationship. Today it is considered normal."
"The researchers who discovered this trend were unable to explain it in terms of economics or the availability of jobs. They said, " The children of this generation have been given too much by parents who have been generally guilty of self-in-duced nearsightedness." (end of book)
Both my siblings and I were out of the house by 22 years old. I think I stayed the longest to age 21 years old. So mom and dad you did it right!! You prepared us the best you could to get out and make it on our own. Today's parents who still have teens at home need to start preparing them to leave and if your child is older then 22 and still living with you free of charge I guess you need to think about it and figure out a way for them to grow-up spread their own wings and fly away.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Reliving the 80's
Ahhhh the 80's some great music was born and great musicians. We had rappers coming out of the hood,we wore leggings, big hair, and black rubber bracelets halfway up our arm. Guys started wearing make-up on and off stage and life was much different then today. Although we are seeing a lot of 80's fashions come back as fashion does recycle itself we also see someone else recycling himself. Who is this person you ask......Terry Brandstad.
Yes, Terry was Governor of this state in the 80's. I think a lot of the voters who got out and voted yesterday don't remember life in Iowa in the 80's when he was governor but I do and this is what I remember......
My dad was a union Ironworker and was struggling to work. Brandstad had raised taxes on of course the hard working middle class and he was NOT a friend to union workers across the entire state. While Brandstad was governor is the ONLY time I remember having to get food stamps because of the LACK of jobs in this state. My dad would sometimes be the only ironworker out in the bitter cold working when there was work to try to support his family. He would come home looking so cold and tired after a long day out in freezing cold weather. It was also at that time we had friends at church named Duane Cassill who had a used car dealership and he gave my dad a job to help him out in our time of need. Also I remember our church family bring over groceries and meals to help us out. It was not just us in the church struggling they saw many families in the congregation struggling. These were all hard working Christian men struggling to have jobs just to provide for their families.
And, no my parents didn't have debt besides a mortgage, they didn't use or have credit cards and had no other loans. It was not just my family, and many families (besides the rich with the great tax breaks) were struggling. Brandstad help make life hard for many Iowa families and definatley union laborers.
All I'm thinking now is hold on to your faith Shannon cause we I may see my family heading towards disaster and very tough financial situations depending on what Terry does and how much he raises middle class taxes. I pray he has learned from his many mistakes of the 80's and that he doesn't repeat the same mistakes and punishes the middle class so the rich can get richer. But I guess only time will tell what he will do.
For you, you may have voted for Brandstad, I guess in time we will see if you regret that decision. I know I was not happy with Chet as a governor and figured he would get beat by whomever republicans elected to run against him. It now has happened and I hope I end up with better memories of Brandstad this time around then the memories I have of him in the 80's cause they are bad memories and he did a terrible job in my book as a pre-teen/teen at the time and the struggle my parents went through just so we could have bread (sometimes we did eat bread, jelly and milk for supper)on the table I will NEVER forget!!
Yes, Terry was Governor of this state in the 80's. I think a lot of the voters who got out and voted yesterday don't remember life in Iowa in the 80's when he was governor but I do and this is what I remember......
My dad was a union Ironworker and was struggling to work. Brandstad had raised taxes on of course the hard working middle class and he was NOT a friend to union workers across the entire state. While Brandstad was governor is the ONLY time I remember having to get food stamps because of the LACK of jobs in this state. My dad would sometimes be the only ironworker out in the bitter cold working when there was work to try to support his family. He would come home looking so cold and tired after a long day out in freezing cold weather. It was also at that time we had friends at church named Duane Cassill who had a used car dealership and he gave my dad a job to help him out in our time of need. Also I remember our church family bring over groceries and meals to help us out. It was not just us in the church struggling they saw many families in the congregation struggling. These were all hard working Christian men struggling to have jobs just to provide for their families.
And, no my parents didn't have debt besides a mortgage, they didn't use or have credit cards and had no other loans. It was not just my family, and many families (besides the rich with the great tax breaks) were struggling. Brandstad help make life hard for many Iowa families and definatley union laborers.
All I'm thinking now is hold on to your faith Shannon cause we I may see my family heading towards disaster and very tough financial situations depending on what Terry does and how much he raises middle class taxes. I pray he has learned from his many mistakes of the 80's and that he doesn't repeat the same mistakes and punishes the middle class so the rich can get richer. But I guess only time will tell what he will do.
For you, you may have voted for Brandstad, I guess in time we will see if you regret that decision. I know I was not happy with Chet as a governor and figured he would get beat by whomever republicans elected to run against him. It now has happened and I hope I end up with better memories of Brandstad this time around then the memories I have of him in the 80's cause they are bad memories and he did a terrible job in my book as a pre-teen/teen at the time and the struggle my parents went through just so we could have bread (sometimes we did eat bread, jelly and milk for supper)on the table I will NEVER forget!!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Punishment at School
Q: Our son's fifth-grade teacher has recently sent home notes to the effect that our little darling isn't paying attention and is missing homework assignments. When I asked what in-school consequences he receives, I was basically told that he receives none unless I specifically so request. In other words, unless teachers inform parents of problems (which doesn't reliably happen), the problems go unpunished. When I hear of a problem, privileges are taken away for a week or more, and my son knows that if he brings home a report card with a bad grade or behavior report, privileges are removed for the next grading period. Is this appropriate, and what can I do to get the school to do their part?
A: To your first question, yes, what you're doing in response to being notified of problems at school is appropriate. You're my kind of parent, in fact, all the more so because you have the courage to hold your son accountable in a culture of excuses.
To your second question-what can you do to get the teacher to do her part?-my answer is "probably nothing." In all too many of America's public schools, and for a variety of reasons, classroom discipline is a farce. It's not that teachers don't want to discipline; it's that they are specifically prohibited from doing anything effective when a child misbehaves (In this context, I use the term to encompass both academic and behavioral misdeeds).
The problem (this should surprise no one) is lawyers and the law. For one thing, a school can be sued if a child is punished for behavior that is later discovered to be symptomatic of a disorder with which the child is supposedly afflicted. So if Johnny is punished in November for exposing himself to the class at recess, and the following March a psychologist determines Johnny has childhood bipolar disorder, Johnny's parents can sue school officials for victimizing Johnny. No, that was not lifted from a Joseph Heller novel; that is the real deal. As a consequence of institutionalized insanity of that sort, one of a principal's primary responsibilities is to keep the lawyers at bay. So, playing it safe, more and more of America's public schools are "discipline free zones."
Another aspect of the problem is that teachers report problems at great risk to themselves. Fifty years ago, parents were unequivocal in their support of teacher authority. All too many of today's parents, when they are informed of a problem, rise to their children's defense. Sadly, all too many of today's principals, when parents get upset, will not back their teachers. It's that "L-word" thing again.
Needless to say, children are no dummies. Even the child with a serious learning disability is quick to figure out that a school's discipline policy is a sham and that his parents are desperate to believe that he is incapable of dirty deeds (lest they have to deal with the horrifying implication that they are not perfect parents). And 'round and 'round we go.
As your son's teacher told you, you can specifically empower the school to punish him for not turning in assignments, not paying attention in class, and so on, but that begs the question: What, in the school's view, constitutes punishment? The teacher may not be permitted, even with your permission, to do anything more draconian than deprive your son of a smiley face sticker at the end of the day. In short, this is probably a losing battle on your part. Just do your duty at home and be thankful you won't be raising a child twenty years from now. This isn't going to get better any time soon.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his web site at www.rosemond.com.
A: To your first question, yes, what you're doing in response to being notified of problems at school is appropriate. You're my kind of parent, in fact, all the more so because you have the courage to hold your son accountable in a culture of excuses.
To your second question-what can you do to get the teacher to do her part?-my answer is "probably nothing." In all too many of America's public schools, and for a variety of reasons, classroom discipline is a farce. It's not that teachers don't want to discipline; it's that they are specifically prohibited from doing anything effective when a child misbehaves (In this context, I use the term to encompass both academic and behavioral misdeeds).
The problem (this should surprise no one) is lawyers and the law. For one thing, a school can be sued if a child is punished for behavior that is later discovered to be symptomatic of a disorder with which the child is supposedly afflicted. So if Johnny is punished in November for exposing himself to the class at recess, and the following March a psychologist determines Johnny has childhood bipolar disorder, Johnny's parents can sue school officials for victimizing Johnny. No, that was not lifted from a Joseph Heller novel; that is the real deal. As a consequence of institutionalized insanity of that sort, one of a principal's primary responsibilities is to keep the lawyers at bay. So, playing it safe, more and more of America's public schools are "discipline free zones."
Another aspect of the problem is that teachers report problems at great risk to themselves. Fifty years ago, parents were unequivocal in their support of teacher authority. All too many of today's parents, when they are informed of a problem, rise to their children's defense. Sadly, all too many of today's principals, when parents get upset, will not back their teachers. It's that "L-word" thing again.
Needless to say, children are no dummies. Even the child with a serious learning disability is quick to figure out that a school's discipline policy is a sham and that his parents are desperate to believe that he is incapable of dirty deeds (lest they have to deal with the horrifying implication that they are not perfect parents). And 'round and 'round we go.
As your son's teacher told you, you can specifically empower the school to punish him for not turning in assignments, not paying attention in class, and so on, but that begs the question: What, in the school's view, constitutes punishment? The teacher may not be permitted, even with your permission, to do anything more draconian than deprive your son of a smiley face sticker at the end of the day. In short, this is probably a losing battle on your part. Just do your duty at home and be thankful you won't be raising a child twenty years from now. This isn't going to get better any time soon.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his web site at www.rosemond.com.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Because...I said so!!!
Matthew 5:37 (NJB) "All you need to say is Yes if you mean yes, No if you mean no; anything more than this comes from the Evil One.
I love this verse and it applies to many areas of our lives including parenting children. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gave his disciples what is without question the most important of all leadership principles. Say what you mean and mean what you say!
So in parenting do your children know that your word can be relied upon, that it is the law? Do they know that beyond a shadow of a doubt when you say YES you mean nothing short of yes? Then also when you say NO do they know you mean NO?
More precisely:
When you tell one of your children that you expect him to do something, does he absolutely know that he is going to have to do it, that you absolutely WILL enforce your instructions? If you can answer that question with a yes then your child indeed knows your yes means yes. On the other hand, have you given your child reason to think that if he stalls long enough, complains loudly and dramatically enough, or begins to argue you may give up and do it yourself? If that is the case, then your child has learned that your yes really means "I wish you would".
When you tell your child that you will NOT let him do something he wants to do or give him something he desires, does he absolutely, without a doubt know that you mean what you have said? If so then your child has learned that your NO means No. Or does he believe that if he argues, cries pitifully, or begins ranting raving, and raging you are likely to give in, if not completely, at least partially? If that is the case, then you have taught your child that your no does not mean no but it means "I'd rather you didn't", I'd rather not or "Please don't make this difficult, okay?"
As the parent the problem is you not your child and you are the one who has to say what you mean and mean what you say and apply Matt. 5:37 to your parenting.
And as the parent you do NOT have to explain your position. If you need to say something make it short like 1) you're not old enough 2) you might get hurt 3) we don't have the money or won't use money for that 4) we don't have the time or we won't take the time for that 5) we don't believe in that and last 6) we don't like those kids. With your short answer to them be done turn around and leave or go back to what you were doing but continue to engage or argue with your child.
This is where "Because I said so" comes into play. You and your spouse are the leaders in your house and if you say what you mean and mean what you say, then because I said so is all your children need to know and they will know as well that you are serious and it is the end of discussion.
Do effective leaders do much explaining when it come to their decisions? NO, they do not. That is because leadership demands decisiveness. When people in leadership positions begin giving explanations, they look less decisive.
So this week work on your yes being yes and your no being no and don't get into the habit of explaining yourself especially to a 2 or 3 year old :)
This information is brought to you by "Parenting By the Book" by John Rosemond a must read for every parent.
I love this verse and it applies to many areas of our lives including parenting children. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gave his disciples what is without question the most important of all leadership principles. Say what you mean and mean what you say!
So in parenting do your children know that your word can be relied upon, that it is the law? Do they know that beyond a shadow of a doubt when you say YES you mean nothing short of yes? Then also when you say NO do they know you mean NO?
More precisely:
When you tell one of your children that you expect him to do something, does he absolutely know that he is going to have to do it, that you absolutely WILL enforce your instructions? If you can answer that question with a yes then your child indeed knows your yes means yes. On the other hand, have you given your child reason to think that if he stalls long enough, complains loudly and dramatically enough, or begins to argue you may give up and do it yourself? If that is the case, then your child has learned that your yes really means "I wish you would".
When you tell your child that you will NOT let him do something he wants to do or give him something he desires, does he absolutely, without a doubt know that you mean what you have said? If so then your child has learned that your NO means No. Or does he believe that if he argues, cries pitifully, or begins ranting raving, and raging you are likely to give in, if not completely, at least partially? If that is the case, then you have taught your child that your no does not mean no but it means "I'd rather you didn't", I'd rather not or "Please don't make this difficult, okay?"
As the parent the problem is you not your child and you are the one who has to say what you mean and mean what you say and apply Matt. 5:37 to your parenting.
And as the parent you do NOT have to explain your position. If you need to say something make it short like 1) you're not old enough 2) you might get hurt 3) we don't have the money or won't use money for that 4) we don't have the time or we won't take the time for that 5) we don't believe in that and last 6) we don't like those kids. With your short answer to them be done turn around and leave or go back to what you were doing but continue to engage or argue with your child.
This is where "Because I said so" comes into play. You and your spouse are the leaders in your house and if you say what you mean and mean what you say, then because I said so is all your children need to know and they will know as well that you are serious and it is the end of discussion.
Do effective leaders do much explaining when it come to their decisions? NO, they do not. That is because leadership demands decisiveness. When people in leadership positions begin giving explanations, they look less decisive.
So this week work on your yes being yes and your no being no and don't get into the habit of explaining yourself especially to a 2 or 3 year old :)
This information is brought to you by "Parenting By the Book" by John Rosemond a must read for every parent.
Friday, October 22, 2010
10 Things the Bible Tells Me So
I'm almost done reading Parenting by The Book by John Rosemond. It is a very good book for all parents to read to help get back to the basics of child raising and discipline based on what the Bible says. As Christians is that not what we want to do live by the Book. We too need to be the example to others around us and to our children to live by the Book. It is hard and we do mess up everyday. Or at least I mess up everyday but I do want to help me kids to understand the Truth of what God says, since the Devil has forces all around them trying to lead them in a different way. So today I'm talking from Chapter 9 called The Bible Tells Me So with Proverbs 3:5 as the verse.
The Bible has a number of things to say concerning the discipline of children. This stems from as the Bible tells us about the sinfulness of children. Children do NOT need to be taught how to misbehave; it comes naturally to them...agree? It's the positive influence of adults who are committed to the goal of raising a person of character that is essential.
1) Discipline and Love are Two Sides of the Same Coin: Prov. 3:12
The Bible says that discipline is an expression of delight in one's child. The more parents delight, the more effectively they discipline, and the more effectively they discipline the more they will delight. The Bible also says that parents who discipline their children properly are doing the Lord's work. So it goes without saying that more gratifying employment cannot be found.
2)Punishment is Never Pleasant but Produces Great Benefit for the Person Punished: Hebrews 12:11
The writer of Hebrews is saying is that if correction is not painful to the person corrected, it will have no effect. Two generations ago, parents had no problem making children feel bad when they did bad things. Today because of all the psycho babble going on we are taught 1)attempt to correct their children's misbehavior while 2)taking great care not to make their children feel bad. As a result of this teaching we now have many undisciplined children and mental health professionals enjoy higher standards of living.
3) Punishment is Essential to Proper Discipline: Hebrews 12:6
Today's parents do a lot of talking, reasoning and explaining to their children, when it comes to their bad behaviors. But the Bible says proper discipline, including punishment when appropriate, is an expression of love. Who do you believe? The Bible or the world??
4)Proper Discipline Validates a Child: Hebrews 12:8 If you are not disciplined....then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
What's this? If a child is not disciplined, the child is not legitimate? It's the equivalent of saying that parental failure to discipline is a form of child neglect. As a mature individual is justified (validated) to God by his or her faith, a child is justified to society (turned into a functional citizen) through proper parental discipline.
5) Obedient Children are Pleasing to Their Parents: Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace;he will bring delight to your soul.
Everyone knows parents whose children are disobedient, sassy and so on. Do they seem at peace? Do they seem to delight in their children? Parents who are content with and in their parenting have children who are respectful, well-mannered, and obedient. The opposite is true as well: It never fails that parents who seem constantly under stress, exasperated, and worried have children who are ill-behaved. Those parents are convinced that their children's ill behavior is the cause of their stress, but that belief is a form of denial. The real problem is their lack of parental discipline!!! The Bible is clear that in order for a child to bring a parent peace rather then discord, the child MUST be properly disciplined.
6) Children are to Obey Their Parents: Colossians 3:20
God wants a relationship with us, but a relationship with God requires self-discipline. Parents who properly discipline their children are likely to raise self-disciplined children who have what it takes to become permanent citizens of the Kingdom. No wonder the obedient child is pleasing to the Lord.
7) Obedience will bring Blessings to Children: Proverbs 1:8-9
A parent who says, "I wish my child would obey me!" just doesn't get it. First, children don't grant adult wishes. Second, that parent wants his child to obey for his benefit; so that he won't be so frustrated and stressed out; so that he'll have more peace of mind. But the Bible clearly says that although parents are certainly blessed by children who are well behaved, the primary blessings of good behavior flow to the children themselves; good manners are like fine jewelry-they grace the person who "wears" them.
8) The Most Obedient Children are also the Happiest, Most Self-Respecting Children: Proverbs 15:32
The happiest parents always seem to have the most obedient children, and the most obedient children are the happiest children. Happiness abounds for those who are obedient, in large part because obedience to legitimate authority is not only a sign of respect for the person in authority, but also self-respect. Disobedient people, wherever they are found are never found happy. They are angry, sullen, malcontents who "despise themselves." Lacking respect for authority, they also lack self-respect. Which one of these people would you like your child to be?
9) A Lack of Discipline Contributes to Death - In the Everlasting Sense: Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
Hope. No guarantees, just hope. Proper discipline sets a child on the right road, but it's up to him/her to see to it that he/she stays there - or finds his/her way back when they stray. But you need to get them started out on the right path by disciplining them now. Give the gift of Hope to your children!
10) Discipline is the Way to Life Eternal: Proverbs 6:23
Jesus made a bold statement that He is the "way and the truth and the life" (John 14:6). Through Him we are granted eternal life. In Proverbs, we are told two things; Discipline is the way to life, and the lack of discipline leads ultimately to death. That's how important discipline is!! Through proper discipline, a parent gives a child the greatest gift of all.
This is something I read from the book that I thought might be helpful to some of you out there. This is a great book and I highly recommend it for all parents. You do need to discipline your children not put them on medications. So much of the problems in the school system, and at home are from children who have no consistent discipline but God disciplines us as adults and He is our example and He clearly tells us in the Bible that we too are to Discipline our children that He has given to us. So are you still wanting to believe the world in how to raise your children or to the Creator of those children? It's a choice and the choice is yours.
The Bible has a number of things to say concerning the discipline of children. This stems from as the Bible tells us about the sinfulness of children. Children do NOT need to be taught how to misbehave; it comes naturally to them...agree? It's the positive influence of adults who are committed to the goal of raising a person of character that is essential.
1) Discipline and Love are Two Sides of the Same Coin: Prov. 3:12
The Bible says that discipline is an expression of delight in one's child. The more parents delight, the more effectively they discipline, and the more effectively they discipline the more they will delight. The Bible also says that parents who discipline their children properly are doing the Lord's work. So it goes without saying that more gratifying employment cannot be found.
2)Punishment is Never Pleasant but Produces Great Benefit for the Person Punished: Hebrews 12:11
The writer of Hebrews is saying is that if correction is not painful to the person corrected, it will have no effect. Two generations ago, parents had no problem making children feel bad when they did bad things. Today because of all the psycho babble going on we are taught 1)attempt to correct their children's misbehavior while 2)taking great care not to make their children feel bad. As a result of this teaching we now have many undisciplined children and mental health professionals enjoy higher standards of living.
3) Punishment is Essential to Proper Discipline: Hebrews 12:6
Today's parents do a lot of talking, reasoning and explaining to their children, when it comes to their bad behaviors. But the Bible says proper discipline, including punishment when appropriate, is an expression of love. Who do you believe? The Bible or the world??
4)Proper Discipline Validates a Child: Hebrews 12:8 If you are not disciplined....then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
What's this? If a child is not disciplined, the child is not legitimate? It's the equivalent of saying that parental failure to discipline is a form of child neglect. As a mature individual is justified (validated) to God by his or her faith, a child is justified to society (turned into a functional citizen) through proper parental discipline.
5) Obedient Children are Pleasing to Their Parents: Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace;he will bring delight to your soul.
Everyone knows parents whose children are disobedient, sassy and so on. Do they seem at peace? Do they seem to delight in their children? Parents who are content with and in their parenting have children who are respectful, well-mannered, and obedient. The opposite is true as well: It never fails that parents who seem constantly under stress, exasperated, and worried have children who are ill-behaved. Those parents are convinced that their children's ill behavior is the cause of their stress, but that belief is a form of denial. The real problem is their lack of parental discipline!!! The Bible is clear that in order for a child to bring a parent peace rather then discord, the child MUST be properly disciplined.
6) Children are to Obey Their Parents: Colossians 3:20
God wants a relationship with us, but a relationship with God requires self-discipline. Parents who properly discipline their children are likely to raise self-disciplined children who have what it takes to become permanent citizens of the Kingdom. No wonder the obedient child is pleasing to the Lord.
7) Obedience will bring Blessings to Children: Proverbs 1:8-9
A parent who says, "I wish my child would obey me!" just doesn't get it. First, children don't grant adult wishes. Second, that parent wants his child to obey for his benefit; so that he won't be so frustrated and stressed out; so that he'll have more peace of mind. But the Bible clearly says that although parents are certainly blessed by children who are well behaved, the primary blessings of good behavior flow to the children themselves; good manners are like fine jewelry-they grace the person who "wears" them.
8) The Most Obedient Children are also the Happiest, Most Self-Respecting Children: Proverbs 15:32
The happiest parents always seem to have the most obedient children, and the most obedient children are the happiest children. Happiness abounds for those who are obedient, in large part because obedience to legitimate authority is not only a sign of respect for the person in authority, but also self-respect. Disobedient people, wherever they are found are never found happy. They are angry, sullen, malcontents who "despise themselves." Lacking respect for authority, they also lack self-respect. Which one of these people would you like your child to be?
9) A Lack of Discipline Contributes to Death - In the Everlasting Sense: Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
Hope. No guarantees, just hope. Proper discipline sets a child on the right road, but it's up to him/her to see to it that he/she stays there - or finds his/her way back when they stray. But you need to get them started out on the right path by disciplining them now. Give the gift of Hope to your children!
10) Discipline is the Way to Life Eternal: Proverbs 6:23
Jesus made a bold statement that He is the "way and the truth and the life" (John 14:6). Through Him we are granted eternal life. In Proverbs, we are told two things; Discipline is the way to life, and the lack of discipline leads ultimately to death. That's how important discipline is!! Through proper discipline, a parent gives a child the greatest gift of all.
This is something I read from the book that I thought might be helpful to some of you out there. This is a great book and I highly recommend it for all parents. You do need to discipline your children not put them on medications. So much of the problems in the school system, and at home are from children who have no consistent discipline but God disciplines us as adults and He is our example and He clearly tells us in the Bible that we too are to Discipline our children that He has given to us. So are you still wanting to believe the world in how to raise your children or to the Creator of those children? It's a choice and the choice is yours.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Question & Answers by John Rosemond
Q: My 10-year-old daughter has been asking for a year now to shave her legs. So far I have said no, mainly because putting a razor in the hands of a 10-year-old doesn't seem safe. Though she is small for her age and not even close to starting puberty, her legs really are quite hairy and she gets teased about them sometimes. I don't want to promote vanity, but I hate to see her self-conscious over something that is simple to fix. Is it totally inappropriate for a girl her age to be shaving her legs? If so, what would be a more appropriate age? Also, can you recommend a particular brand of razor, or should we use chemical hair removers and avoid razors altogether?
A: Your daughter is entering a time in her life when self-consciousness becomes problematic and other children can be extremely cruel. The cruelty is actually a way of compensating for one's own insecurities. Given that this is the personal and social reality your daughter is now dealing with, I encourage you to let her shave her legs. Having never shaved my legs, I consulted with my wife, Willie, on this. She recommends that you first show your daughter how to use hair-removing cream and then provide her with an electric razor until she is older. I use an electric for evening touch-ups and recommend a good rotary. Stay away from inexpensive off-brands. They aren't worth it.
Q: Our 10-year-old daughter goes back and forth between our house and her mom's. Our homes are run very differently. Bio-Mom gives her everything she wants (cell phone, expensive computer, TV and DVD in her room, etc). In our home we have chores and rules. We also discipline her, especially when she is disrespectful, which is often. Just recently, after an up-and-down day, we listened in on a phone call between her and her mother. Her mother told her she would call later and tell us a lie about why she needed her to come home right away. They laughed at how they were going to pull the wool over our eyes. To me as the stepmom it makes all perfect sense why our 10-year-old doesn't respect us. Any advice?
A: Indeed, it makes perfect sense. If the phone call is typical, then this is a mother who is trying to be her daughter's best friend. That is incompatible with being an authority figure, so the only discipline your daughter ever experiences is at your house. And of course she resents it. And of course she complains about it to her best friend, and of course her best friend becomes an enabler. And the wheel keeps on turning.
Let's be realistic. Will it be possible for you to have a rational discussion about these issues with this very immature mother? Nope. Can you, therefore, hope to solve this child's disrespect of adults who act like adults? Nope. Nonetheless, should you punish her when the disrespect occurs? Absolutely. Never give up. Never surrender. Understand, however, that while discipline is appropriate, it's not going to solve the problem.
There are, in fact, some problems that just aren't solvable. They are, at best, tolerable. I think you're going to have to figure out a way to tolerate this until your daughter grows up, which may another thirty years. In the meantime, my best advice is "grin and bear it."
By the way, some people may think it was inappropriate of you to "bug" the phone conversation. I do not. Wiretapping laws do not extend to 10-year-olds.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
A: Your daughter is entering a time in her life when self-consciousness becomes problematic and other children can be extremely cruel. The cruelty is actually a way of compensating for one's own insecurities. Given that this is the personal and social reality your daughter is now dealing with, I encourage you to let her shave her legs. Having never shaved my legs, I consulted with my wife, Willie, on this. She recommends that you first show your daughter how to use hair-removing cream and then provide her with an electric razor until she is older. I use an electric for evening touch-ups and recommend a good rotary. Stay away from inexpensive off-brands. They aren't worth it.
Q: Our 10-year-old daughter goes back and forth between our house and her mom's. Our homes are run very differently. Bio-Mom gives her everything she wants (cell phone, expensive computer, TV and DVD in her room, etc). In our home we have chores and rules. We also discipline her, especially when she is disrespectful, which is often. Just recently, after an up-and-down day, we listened in on a phone call between her and her mother. Her mother told her she would call later and tell us a lie about why she needed her to come home right away. They laughed at how they were going to pull the wool over our eyes. To me as the stepmom it makes all perfect sense why our 10-year-old doesn't respect us. Any advice?
A: Indeed, it makes perfect sense. If the phone call is typical, then this is a mother who is trying to be her daughter's best friend. That is incompatible with being an authority figure, so the only discipline your daughter ever experiences is at your house. And of course she resents it. And of course she complains about it to her best friend, and of course her best friend becomes an enabler. And the wheel keeps on turning.
Let's be realistic. Will it be possible for you to have a rational discussion about these issues with this very immature mother? Nope. Can you, therefore, hope to solve this child's disrespect of adults who act like adults? Nope. Nonetheless, should you punish her when the disrespect occurs? Absolutely. Never give up. Never surrender. Understand, however, that while discipline is appropriate, it's not going to solve the problem.
There are, in fact, some problems that just aren't solvable. They are, at best, tolerable. I think you're going to have to figure out a way to tolerate this until your daughter grows up, which may another thirty years. In the meantime, my best advice is "grin and bear it."
By the way, some people may think it was inappropriate of you to "bug" the phone conversation. I do not. Wiretapping laws do not extend to 10-year-olds.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
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